Walking...it's a good thing.

Well Dr. A add Seroquel to my regimin and it actually seems to be helping already. With my sleep anyway. I took the girls out 3 days in a row and walked at least 3 miles each times pushing a triple stroller. I'm sure I burned a billion calories. Friday we went to the mall to play and I got a few things from the uber sale at Bath and Body works. Then Saturday I got a body butter and lip butters from Body Shop. Today we went on a walk to Joann fabrics to get a project for the girls to make for their daddy for fathers day.

I've been hard at work on my new hobby and Joann's made me very happy by having fat quarters for 99 cents. Things are going decently but MAN hormonal stuff does not make this bipolar thing any easier.

Take two steps forward, get pushed back three, then get a nice kick in the teeth

So the husband is going back to school. Good for you say the people at his work. His boss is all excited about it and they say they're going to work with him on a schedule. Unfortunately Spring quarter we kind of mis-timed it and he didn't get in. We told them. He's definitely going to summer quater. The told us okay just let us know and we'll work with you....

So we get him admitted, registered, GI bill bennies started. He goes to his bosses and tells them that he's all ready to go. Their response? "Well since it's such short notice we're going to have to put you on night shift..." Now night shift at this plant is 12 hour night shifts, 2 days on 2 days off, 3 days on 2 days off 2 days on 3 days off. Then you start again. It's complete and utter BS. TOTAL bs.

They lied. Or it feels like they did. This is going to be hard on him AND on me.

It means almost zero time together. It means LOTS of cranky husband. Lot's of kids acting up because they aren't seeing enough of daddy and it means me with my kids alone for almost 24 hours a day every day because he's going to need extra sleep time.

Is it worth the extra 1500 a month? I guess we'll have to see. What a bunch of douche canoes he works with.

So I've Totally Slacked on This

Yeah I know. But hey it's been chaos in the extreme.

I'm up to 300 mg of Lamictal. I'm now forgetting things like, words, how to turn on my washing machine, how to fasten a diaper etc. The dr said this isn't a good sign SO tomorrow at our appointment we'll be discussing new medication options.

My hair has fallen out quite a bit. I finally cut it to about an inch short, slowly going from mid-back to shoulder length, to a choppy bob to just getting rid of the damn stuff. We were sick of pulling long hairs out of everything. I've got bald spots but I think when I quit the Lamictal those will grow back in the loss will stop and my hair will grow.

The youngest and I had a hospital stay each. Both infinantly complicated and ridiculous.

I've finally gotten motivated to start crafting. I think I'm getting pretty good at what I've decided to do and may even try to sell it. Maybe it will make me feel more useful.

My husband asked the other day what I've been thinking about and what's been going on with me...I realized that I really had nothing to say. I mean my days are filled with dealing with stuff for him, making meals, doing chores, taking care of the kids and maybe screwing around on Facebook for a while.

Oh the doctor decided to switch me from Ativan which wasn't working for crap and gave me Xanax....OMG it's the wonder drug. I'm on 1mg 2 times a day. My sister informed me that it's quite a high dosage. I didn't realize that lol.

I'll have to post up some pictures of my craftiness pretty soon. We'll see how they turn out.

My only disappointment is that I'm running out of fabric scraps.

Reconnecting with friends

Since having children I've become a virtual recluse. I see my family occasionally. I talk with people online and I go out to the stores but all my friends fell by the wayside. It was a combination of moving and really just not caring in the midst of my depression.

I'm having my friend over tonight with her two little girls. We've been friends since elementary school. She introduced me to my husband. We've always been super close and I'm nervous as hell. I'm scared. Seriously.

I know I need friends and that I need a support system but what if we've both changed so much that we're no longer compatible as friends? What if she's totally turned off by my "crazy" stuff.

I hope this goes well because I'm meeting up with another old friend next week and this one is going to blow my confidence if it doesn't go well.

LOL I feel like I'm going on a blind date.

I think I need a hobby.

I need something to do. It's too late to start school. I get some exercise and I'm still working on my looks....I need something fun and challenging. I used to love crafting but I can't decide what I want to do. I've thought about trying to make jewelry and hair stuff for children out of fabric but I'm not sure exactly what to do. Any suggestions? I already have a TON of fabric but don't want to do a ton of sewing.

Deep Breath....Deeeeeeeeep Breath

Since adding Lamictal to my medication line up a lot of things have happened. My hair has been falling out at an alarming rate, I've stopped yelling as much. I've stopped obsessing as much....and my children have begun testing me.

"How many times can I ignore mommy before she gets really pissed."
"How many times can I smack my sister before I get in trouble."
"Hmmm no yelling, what are the new consequences?"

It's been hard. I'm much calmer but I swear they are trying to drive me out of my mind. They are pushing the boundries every damn day. I end just about every day so tense my neck and head hurt. My toe nails are gone (nervous habit when I'm stressed.) No I don't get mad or rageful as quickly or easily as before but my GOD. They have to stop this soon. It's driving me insane.

My four year old never stops talking. Asking for the same things over and over and over again. Following me into the kitchen, the bathroom, my bedroom. All places she knows are off limits. I just don't know what to do with her. With the other two it's mostly physical stuff. A little extra screaming. A little extra running into walls, you know the normal toddler crap. That I can deal with. The constant "why" "why not" "I want" "Give me" on and on. It's wearing.

I taught the child manners. She used to say please, thank you, no thank you, excuse me all of that. She was great. Now she says it to everyone else. Just not me. With me she demands. I ask her to repeat herself. I ask her if she said it right. I have tried just saying no and walking away. None of them have been effective.

I want her to understand. Yes I'm mommy. But mommy has feelings. Mommy needs to go to the bathroom ALONE. Mommy isn't a servant that you order around like that.

I'm proud of myself though. Today may have been the worst day yet. She slapped her sister, cut her hair (the scissors were hidden I swear), she wouldn't eat breakfast or dinner then demanded brownies, she screamed every time I asked her to do something.... and I didn't yell.

Complete Ignorance in Regards to Mental Illness

I was reading a post on a debate board which is part of a large community I'm a part of. It was about a woman who suffers from Schizophrenia and likely PPP (post partum psychosis.) Who commited a truly heinous act.

I heard some truly disturing points of view. I saw that if the woman was able to do what she did the way she did it then she obviously was in her right mind enough to deserve the death penalty. I saw that mentally ill people should realize they are mentally ill and ask for help. That they are adults and should therefore be expected to just automatically take their medication and if they can't do that they should go to a mental hospital and ask to be kept there until they CAN take their medications when they should.

I saw someone saying they have a mental illness and have never commited this act. Okay seriously do people not understand that different mental illnesses are well....different? They have different names and diganosises for a reason. It's not just a game that doctors play for the hell of it. There are big differences between SAD, Bipolar and Schizophrenia. Having SAD doesn't make you an expert on what someone with bipolar goes through. Nor does having bipolar make you an expert on what someone with schizophrenia goes through.

Maybe beginning psych should be a required science class in schools. I don't know. Something needs to be done about the complete ignorance about mental illnesses.