I've always had very extreme moods. Very sudden shifts. Storms of tears or being so happy people thought I was a loon. It's always been me. I always thought I was just a freak. In fact that's what people told me I was. A freak, a spaz, hyper, loud, sensitive. Blah I grew up hearing those things.
When I was 18 I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression, something my grandmother had been convinced I had for years. It's not something they'll generally diagnose in a teenager. At least it wasn't back then. Then when I was 20 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in addition to the depression. I tried Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro and a few others. After we tried all those my doctor put me on Effexor XR. It seemed to work pretty well. The massive depressive times were gone, I still had some anxiety but I dealt with it. I could do that. I didn't have kids or a busy life. I did what I wanted when I wanted pretty much as many single people do.
While I was pregnant with my first child my midwife who really had no clue at all about mental illness suggested I see a psychiatrist. She wanted him to oversee my meds during pregnancy. I didn't really understand why I couldn't stay with what I was on but hey whatever I'm not a doctor right?
I went to see him. My God he turned me off psychiatrists for years. That man was disgusting, he peered down my shirt the entire time I was there. He prescribed me Pexiva which is apparently similar to Paxil but not the same. I never went back. I also reported him to TriCare. I was disgusted and felt horrible about the whole situation.
Changing medications was dreadful I don't know if any of you have ever gone off of Effexor. Withdrawl from hell I'm telling you. It lasts for months really and you have to be off that medication to switch to another. It was terrible. The new medication didn't work for crap. You may as well have given me a sugar pill. I prayed for it to work but it didn't.
After pregnancy my PCP told me she wanted me to see a counselor. I wasn't really thrilled and it took me a good 3 months to schedule but I finally did. She was a sweet older woman. I talked with her. We discussed my symptoms etc. She wasn't a doctor so she couldn't officially diagnose but after seeing her for a while she had me take a little test I guess you could call it. It told me that I have a mood disorder. She said the scary words Bi Polar. It freaked me out. I'm not Bi Polar. My drug addicted, drunk uncle is but not me hell no. I saw her a few more times and stopped.
I chugged along on my meds and off my meds.
This fall I went back on them again. They helped with the deep depressions. I felt great for a couple months then the panics started. I went and got Ativan. It sort of helped but not really. So I logged on my trusty computer and started searching.
Turns out there isn't only one type of Bi Polar. There are a few. Bi Polar II sounds just like me. I have low low low lows but my highs aren't manic really. It's more tense. Irritable, anxious, twitchy, mood swingy. Like me.
My PCP is a physicians assistant. Great for general stuff but when I try to talk to him about mental health type things...he's lost you can tell. I don't blame him I mean if it was so easy why would they have an entire field devoted to it? They wouldn't SOOOO I'm going to see a psychiatrist. I'm nervous. I'm afraid to go in there and say look I think this is what's wrong with me. I'm hoping he'll listen and help me.
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