I know I'm horrible

Yep I have been horrible at keeping up here. FORTUNATELY I now have motivation, drive and determination to do things. Yay right?

So my parents came to visit today. Normally this would be a stressful panic inducing situation. No my parents aren't terrible we all get along quite nicely. It more had to do with ... I don't know invasion of my safe bubble? So usually when they came to visit it required a xanax or an ativan after the first hour of trying to calmly have a nice time. It also required many cigarette breaks (yes I know BAAAAAAAAD). Today not only did I not need any meds I also didn't have a cigarette the whole time they were here which was just about 5 hours. I didn't realize it till after they left. I knew my mom would be excited. To my surprise my dad was even more excited lol. I never knew if he completely understood what I was dealing with. My mom of course did she's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. So anyway yeah today was pretty good.

Things with the husband haven't been great lately. He's been a douche. Yes my BiPolar is pretty much under control. I feel like a walking pill with all the meds I'm on but hey I feel great mentally. Now we're dealing with my allergies. I never realized how much of my lack of energy was actually because my allergies were out of control. Of course when you're depressed you don't really give a flying rat's rear and when I'm hypo the thought of drs. appts sends me into a day long panic attack. So step one was getting my year long sinus infection dealt with. I went on hard core antibiotics...like 200mg of ummm yeah can't remember the name but it did a number on my digestive system. Then a CT scan...then and ENT visit to find out YAY my sinuses are now clear and the reason I'm having so much facial pain is...ready for this? I grind my teeth in my sleep. So I went and bought a night guard...I've chewed through that puppy just about in a month. I think I can get another week out of it but holy cow! I had NO idea.

Anyhow back to the douchey husband. He seems to think that I'm a bother at this point. No I didn't have quite this many issues when we met and dated etc but hey pregnancy changes things in your body and remember I was pregnant for just about 2 years straight so I'm not surprised things change. Soooo end of September I'll be seeing an allergist. Hopefully he can help me. I can't say I'm excited about the skin and blood tests but this guy seems top notch. A new patient appointment takes three to four hours because he meets with you asks all the questions etc. Then you do the tests. THEN he meets with you THAT DAY with the results of everything and figures out what to do with you lol. I love it.

Um I've been crafting like a mad woman. I think I almost have enough done for my testers and then to open my shop. I really hope I haven't been doing all of this for nothing. I really do.

I don't know if I've laid it all out yet but this is the medication that's working for me. Effexor XR (generic), Lamictal (generic), Xanax once a day, and Seroquel XR. Serouquel is AWESOME. It was like the final puzzle piece that brought all my meds together to form a working team. SO happy. The side effect with me seems to be that my weight just won't budge. Sooo I'm still a fatty BUT I've decided to embrace it. Like I've said before I would rather be fat and a happy good mommy and wife and person that thin and completely miserable to be and to be around.

So I've found a style that works for me. That makes me feel pretty and that gives me confidence...I'll be honest a lot of it is the amount of clevage I show hehe. I've got big ol boobs always have and well. They're one of my best features those and my legs so I use them to my full advantage. Empire waisted dresses and leggings. They make my bust and legs look great and kind of hide my flawed mid section.

Yeah that's pretty much it for today but I've got to say things are going great. I can't promise I'll update every single day but I'll try for once a week and the very least.

Deep Breath....Deeeeeeeeep Breath

Since adding Lamictal to my medication line up a lot of things have happened. My hair has been falling out at an alarming rate, I've stopped yelling as much. I've stopped obsessing as much....and my children have begun testing me.

"How many times can I ignore mommy before she gets really pissed."
"How many times can I smack my sister before I get in trouble."
"Hmmm no yelling, what are the new consequences?"

It's been hard. I'm much calmer but I swear they are trying to drive me out of my mind. They are pushing the boundries every damn day. I end just about every day so tense my neck and head hurt. My toe nails are gone (nervous habit when I'm stressed.) No I don't get mad or rageful as quickly or easily as before but my GOD. They have to stop this soon. It's driving me insane.

My four year old never stops talking. Asking for the same things over and over and over again. Following me into the kitchen, the bathroom, my bedroom. All places she knows are off limits. I just don't know what to do with her. With the other two it's mostly physical stuff. A little extra screaming. A little extra running into walls, you know the normal toddler crap. That I can deal with. The constant "why" "why not" "I want" "Give me" on and on. It's wearing.

I taught the child manners. She used to say please, thank you, no thank you, excuse me all of that. She was great. Now she says it to everyone else. Just not me. With me she demands. I ask her to repeat herself. I ask her if she said it right. I have tried just saying no and walking away. None of them have been effective.

I want her to understand. Yes I'm mommy. But mommy has feelings. Mommy needs to go to the bathroom ALONE. Mommy isn't a servant that you order around like that.

I'm proud of myself though. Today may have been the worst day yet. She slapped her sister, cut her hair (the scissors were hidden I swear), she wouldn't eat breakfast or dinner then demanded brownies, she screamed every time I asked her to do something.... and I didn't yell.