SO Overweight

I'm sick of being fat. I was becoming less fat but then I started Seroquel and stopped becoming less fat and became quite possibly more fat. I say quite possibly because you couldn't pay me to step on a scale right now. I know I'm fat. I can see myself in the storefront windows as I walk by I'm not blind.

I hate it. I feel ugly and unhealthy.

No matter how futile though I'm still working on it.

I have an allergist appointment on the 30th. I'm kind of excited. For one I'll finally find out what all I'm allergic to. For two (lol I know so grammatically incorrect.) it's a 4 to 5 hour appointment with NO KIDS. Lot's of testing and waiting for results so I'm thinking I can bring a book and relax lol.

The children and I went to the Oregon Coast to visit the parental units. It was alright. They're both so tense over estate stuff that I kind of regretted going. My mom had a talk with me about "going forward" with the girls and having a schedule and a routine...um HELLO!!!! Schedules and routines go out the damn window when on vacation. Why do you think they're being such maniacs. God I have a schedule and a routine. It's not rigid but things get done in a certain order and at just about the same time every day. If someone is sick the routine gets screwed with a bit. I was kind of offended because I remember my childhood. We didn't have anything resembling normalcy till I was about ooooh 8 or 9. My dad was drunk and or high most of the time when I was younger. My mom was high sometimes. I had two younger siblings 3 and 4 years after I was born. My mom admittedly didn't want kids. So she didn't have much fun with us. So she can bite me for that.

Girl number two is having fun potty training finally. I'm doing the padded underwear and plastic pants thing with her. Pull ups are too comfortable.

Uhhhhh yeah I'm sure there is more but it'll give me a reason to write tomorrow.

I know I'm horrible

Yep I have been horrible at keeping up here. FORTUNATELY I now have motivation, drive and determination to do things. Yay right?

So my parents came to visit today. Normally this would be a stressful panic inducing situation. No my parents aren't terrible we all get along quite nicely. It more had to do with ... I don't know invasion of my safe bubble? So usually when they came to visit it required a xanax or an ativan after the first hour of trying to calmly have a nice time. It also required many cigarette breaks (yes I know BAAAAAAAAD). Today not only did I not need any meds I also didn't have a cigarette the whole time they were here which was just about 5 hours. I didn't realize it till after they left. I knew my mom would be excited. To my surprise my dad was even more excited lol. I never knew if he completely understood what I was dealing with. My mom of course did she's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. So anyway yeah today was pretty good.

Things with the husband haven't been great lately. He's been a douche. Yes my BiPolar is pretty much under control. I feel like a walking pill with all the meds I'm on but hey I feel great mentally. Now we're dealing with my allergies. I never realized how much of my lack of energy was actually because my allergies were out of control. Of course when you're depressed you don't really give a flying rat's rear and when I'm hypo the thought of drs. appts sends me into a day long panic attack. So step one was getting my year long sinus infection dealt with. I went on hard core antibiotics...like 200mg of ummm yeah can't remember the name but it did a number on my digestive system. Then a CT scan...then and ENT visit to find out YAY my sinuses are now clear and the reason I'm having so much facial pain is...ready for this? I grind my teeth in my sleep. So I went and bought a night guard...I've chewed through that puppy just about in a month. I think I can get another week out of it but holy cow! I had NO idea.

Anyhow back to the douchey husband. He seems to think that I'm a bother at this point. No I didn't have quite this many issues when we met and dated etc but hey pregnancy changes things in your body and remember I was pregnant for just about 2 years straight so I'm not surprised things change. Soooo end of September I'll be seeing an allergist. Hopefully he can help me. I can't say I'm excited about the skin and blood tests but this guy seems top notch. A new patient appointment takes three to four hours because he meets with you asks all the questions etc. Then you do the tests. THEN he meets with you THAT DAY with the results of everything and figures out what to do with you lol. I love it.

Um I've been crafting like a mad woman. I think I almost have enough done for my testers and then to open my shop. I really hope I haven't been doing all of this for nothing. I really do.

I don't know if I've laid it all out yet but this is the medication that's working for me. Effexor XR (generic), Lamictal (generic), Xanax once a day, and Seroquel XR. Serouquel is AWESOME. It was like the final puzzle piece that brought all my meds together to form a working team. SO happy. The side effect with me seems to be that my weight just won't budge. Sooo I'm still a fatty BUT I've decided to embrace it. Like I've said before I would rather be fat and a happy good mommy and wife and person that thin and completely miserable to be and to be around.

So I've found a style that works for me. That makes me feel pretty and that gives me confidence...I'll be honest a lot of it is the amount of clevage I show hehe. I've got big ol boobs always have and well. They're one of my best features those and my legs so I use them to my full advantage. Empire waisted dresses and leggings. They make my bust and legs look great and kind of hide my flawed mid section.

Yeah that's pretty much it for today but I've got to say things are going great. I can't promise I'll update every single day but I'll try for once a week and the very least.

So I've Totally Slacked on This

Yeah I know. But hey it's been chaos in the extreme.

I'm up to 300 mg of Lamictal. I'm now forgetting things like, words, how to turn on my washing machine, how to fasten a diaper etc. The dr said this isn't a good sign SO tomorrow at our appointment we'll be discussing new medication options.

My hair has fallen out quite a bit. I finally cut it to about an inch short, slowly going from mid-back to shoulder length, to a choppy bob to just getting rid of the damn stuff. We were sick of pulling long hairs out of everything. I've got bald spots but I think when I quit the Lamictal those will grow back in the loss will stop and my hair will grow.

The youngest and I had a hospital stay each. Both infinantly complicated and ridiculous.

I've finally gotten motivated to start crafting. I think I'm getting pretty good at what I've decided to do and may even try to sell it. Maybe it will make me feel more useful.

My husband asked the other day what I've been thinking about and what's been going on with me...I realized that I really had nothing to say. I mean my days are filled with dealing with stuff for him, making meals, doing chores, taking care of the kids and maybe screwing around on Facebook for a while.

Oh the doctor decided to switch me from Ativan which wasn't working for crap and gave me Xanax....OMG it's the wonder drug. I'm on 1mg 2 times a day. My sister informed me that it's quite a high dosage. I didn't realize that lol.

I'll have to post up some pictures of my craftiness pretty soon. We'll see how they turn out.

My only disappointment is that I'm running out of fabric scraps.

Deep Breath....Deeeeeeeeep Breath

Since adding Lamictal to my medication line up a lot of things have happened. My hair has been falling out at an alarming rate, I've stopped yelling as much. I've stopped obsessing as much....and my children have begun testing me.

"How many times can I ignore mommy before she gets really pissed."
"How many times can I smack my sister before I get in trouble."
"Hmmm no yelling, what are the new consequences?"

It's been hard. I'm much calmer but I swear they are trying to drive me out of my mind. They are pushing the boundries every damn day. I end just about every day so tense my neck and head hurt. My toe nails are gone (nervous habit when I'm stressed.) No I don't get mad or rageful as quickly or easily as before but my GOD. They have to stop this soon. It's driving me insane.

My four year old never stops talking. Asking for the same things over and over and over again. Following me into the kitchen, the bathroom, my bedroom. All places she knows are off limits. I just don't know what to do with her. With the other two it's mostly physical stuff. A little extra screaming. A little extra running into walls, you know the normal toddler crap. That I can deal with. The constant "why" "why not" "I want" "Give me" on and on. It's wearing.

I taught the child manners. She used to say please, thank you, no thank you, excuse me all of that. She was great. Now she says it to everyone else. Just not me. With me she demands. I ask her to repeat herself. I ask her if she said it right. I have tried just saying no and walking away. None of them have been effective.

I want her to understand. Yes I'm mommy. But mommy has feelings. Mommy needs to go to the bathroom ALONE. Mommy isn't a servant that you order around like that.

I'm proud of myself though. Today may have been the worst day yet. She slapped her sister, cut her hair (the scissors were hidden I swear), she wouldn't eat breakfast or dinner then demanded brownies, she screamed every time I asked her to do something.... and I didn't yell.

Complete Ignorance in Regards to Mental Illness

I was reading a post on a debate board which is part of a large community I'm a part of. It was about a woman who suffers from Schizophrenia and likely PPP (post partum psychosis.) Who commited a truly heinous act.

I heard some truly disturing points of view. I saw that if the woman was able to do what she did the way she did it then she obviously was in her right mind enough to deserve the death penalty. I saw that mentally ill people should realize they are mentally ill and ask for help. That they are adults and should therefore be expected to just automatically take their medication and if they can't do that they should go to a mental hospital and ask to be kept there until they CAN take their medications when they should.

I saw someone saying they have a mental illness and have never commited this act. Okay seriously do people not understand that different mental illnesses are well....different? They have different names and diganosises for a reason. It's not just a game that doctors play for the hell of it. There are big differences between SAD, Bipolar and Schizophrenia. Having SAD doesn't make you an expert on what someone with bipolar goes through. Nor does having bipolar make you an expert on what someone with schizophrenia goes through.

Maybe beginning psych should be a required science class in schools. I don't know. Something needs to be done about the complete ignorance about mental illnesses.

Sleep, Gotta get it.

It's so hard for me to sleep. Not to actually sleep but to get to sleep. It's crazy. When I'm in a major depressive episode I'm always tired but have a hard time falling to sleep. When I'm hypo manic, I seem like I have plenty of energy and I run myself ragged and still have problems falling asleep.

My psych doctor seems to think it may be a chronic insomnia. That when I'm in a depressed state I should have no issues falling asleep. He explained it as my brain possibly having issues switching from awake mode to sleep mode. That perhaps part of the reason I always feel fatigued is that even when I'm sleeping that switch isn't always made.

I find that interesting. It certainly sounds like me. I mean jeez even when I'm dead tired it takes me a good 45 minutes to 2 hours to fall asleep without some kind of medical aid.

I think I may start meditating or something to help calm myself for bed.

Hair loss? SERIOUSLY????

So I'm on Lamictal which is used for seziures and is also prescribed for bipolar spectrum disorders. Well I started February 1st. About a week or so later I noticed I was shedding more. I've always had SUPER thick hair. It's always been something that people comment on. Hairdressers, doctors, my family anyone who touches it says it's super thick.
So as those who have thick hair know sometimes you shed a lot. It's a normal thing. It's expected. Weather changes, diet changes all kinds of things can cause hair loss. Post pregnancy I lost hair like crazy but it never felt thinner.
Well my damn hair is falling out at an alarming rate. When I brush it, when I wash it, while I'm sleeping, when I'm just freaking standing still. It's just falling out and out and out. When I pull it back it feels thinner. My elastics wrap around my ponytail and extra time.
I looked it up. It's a pretty fraking rare side effect but hey of course it's one that I get. I'm not dizzy, no rashes, nothing you would think is horrible. One of the main reasons I chose this drug to try was to avoid weight gain.
Now I have to decide. Is my mental health worth losing my hair and feeling ugly? I've always loved my hair. LOVED it. I could thin it if I was too hot. It just looked nice and thick and luxurious. My husband loves it and now it's falling out.
The rational answer is if it's working to control my moods and mood swings then YES it's worth losing some hair. Logically I know that is the correct answer.
However as a woman. It's a hard question to look at the logical answer. It's horrible. I doubt I'll go bald but I will most definitely lose hair. Some of it may grow back within a year or so (based on information I've gotten from other people online) or it may never grow back. I could have thin hair forever. Or until I try a different drug therapy.
I'm sure this sounds like a stupid thing to some people to be so bothered by...but damnit it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like less of a woman. It makes me feel a little sick every time I run my hand through my hair and 20 or 30 hairs come out in my hand. The average hair loss per day is about 100 hairs. I know darn well I'm losing a whole heck of a lot more than that.
I guess it's just another step in my journey. Maybe I'll just have to learn to be a woman with less hair. Hey maybe now I can get a perm and have it look right. Or maybe I'll start shaving my head and wearing wigs. Or hey maybe I'll just start covering my head. Who knows.

Sickness, Resting and Meds

Last Monday my parents picked up my two oldest daughters for just about a week. They took them down to the Oregon Coast where they live and it was just Husband and the youngest home with me.

Of course the day after they left I woke up with a head and chest full of snot. I was sick pretty much the whole time as was little bean. She got something different than I did though, she had GI issues like crazy. We both spent a lot of time sleeping.

However I got to go out. ALONE. Every day by myself. Husband was glad for me lol.

Last Saturday my parents brought the girls home and we did a joint birthday party for my mom, my middle daughter and husband. It was great. My aunt and cousin came. Everyone loved their gifts. I went a little crazy I'll admit. I spoiled my mom like crazy. She's had a hard year and with the family issues she's been having I wanted to make her day special.

My medication is working. I can think more clearly. I have motivation. Less panic attacks. I still need my Ativan at times but not every day. I also don't need my sleeping pills to sleep. YAY.

Oh and our new matress is awesome. We got a memory foam mattress and topper. I will NEVER buy a regular matress again. EVER.

I've been trying so hard not to shop too much. It makes me feel so good though. To get things and look at them and use them. Sigh. It's going to be a battle. But I'm doing better. I need to find a different coping technique.

On Saturday the 20th husband and I will have been married for 5 years. I can hardly believe it. FIVE years we made it. He's put up with so much from me. I've put up with a lot from him too. I think we may make it for the long haul.

I'm still losing weight. Hubs said when asked to be honest that I looked less wide lol. I did get this really weird band of fat around my middle. So I can understand that. I feel like I look better in my clothes and I can move a little easier. I love it.

I feel like I'm really on the road to regaining myself. I've decided to apply for classes this spring. I got my FAFSA filled out and approved. I think I'm going to start out very very easy.

Spending Problems

So I've always loved to shop. It makes me feel good, when I'm depressive it cheers me up when I'm hypomanic it calms me down.

I have always shopped too much. I haven't driven us into debt with it but I've definitely made it so that things are a bit hard financially with it. Like we're a bit short on money, we don't have a savings etc.

I'm now realizing that this is a problem. I'm also realizing that it's probably tied to my bipolar. I think I need to talk to my psych dr about it.

Intrusive thoughts

I'm scared to death right now. Every time I drive I get the compulsion to unbuckle my seatbelt and slam into a tree. Every time I'm at the top of a flight of stairs I feel like throwing myself down them. I HATE intrusive thoughts. I hate the way they make me feel. I've been in a massive panic for the last few days because they are getting bad.

What is Bipolar II Disorder?

Bipolar II is very similar to bipolar I. The main difference is that while you get the low, lows your highs don't go as high. You don't have a manic episode you have a hypo-manic episode.

My doctor started me on a mood stabilizer to go along with my Effexor. We chose one that doesn't cause weight gain. I'm hoping it works. Not just as a vanity thing but as a health thing.

I'm waiting for it to kick in and praying I don't get the severe skin reaction that 1 in evey 3000 people gets. I'm on Lamictal. Let's see how it works shall we? I've now been on it for 3 days.


http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-2-disorder

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_bp2.htm

http://www.psycheducation.org/

Did I Give it to My Babies?

So on Monday while talking with my psychiatrist he mentioned that Bi Polar is hereditary. I had already been worried about passing along depression and/or anxiety along to my daughters. Now I have this incredible guilt. If I had known I had bi polar would I have had my girls? I love them so much, I love them too much to want them to suffer with this the way I have.



I don't regret having them, but I regret that I am the one that had them, that I may have passed along some mutant genes.



I don't know if I'm making sense. It's something I've been struggling with for a couple days now. I mean I guess I do know what to watch for right? I know to include it in our family history, I know that if my daughters start having problems to take them to a psych dr. rather than a PCP.


I guess it is something I'll have to come to terms with.

I Think My Husband Hates Me

Well yesterday at the psychiatrist I got the official diagnosis. Bi Polar Disorder II.

I think my husband hates me for it. I told him before we got married I had some problems with depression and anxiety and tried to explain. He didn't listen very well. The last 5 years have been me struggling to get him to understand me. It's going to be even worse now. He refuses to look up any information on it. He doesn't want to hear about it. I don't even want to talk to him about the genetics of it because that's all I'll hear about is how I gave something to our daughters.