The Spirit of My Grandma

Hi! So yesterday I had to go to court. It was for something stupid done when I was hypo-manic. SO out of character for me. Anyhow that's not really the story. There were a billion people there (well 75 cases) and they went alphabetically. Lets just say I'm one of the last 8 or so numbers in the alphabet.

So I'm sitting there anxious out of my mind, twisting my fingers, scratching my neck, biting my nails. All the normal freak out things for me. This older woman she was probably about 65 reached over and patted my hand. "It'll be alright sweetie" she said. She then rubbed her hand across my back a couple times and patted my shoulder. It reminded me so much of my grandma. I got tears in my eyes and thats when I realized she was wearing my grandma's perfume.

My grandmother and I were SUPER close. I was the first grandchild. I was her shopping buddy, her laying around watching tv buddy. I lived with her a couple of times during my early adult years. Both for her and me to be honest. She was the one who convinced me to see a doctor about depression and anxiety when I was 18. She understood me and I understood her. She was so kind hearted. She gave people almost unlimited chances and forgiveness for their mistakes. I loved her so much. I was there with her when she died. I laid on her hospital bed and held her while her body gave out on her. I told her I loved her and I know she loved me.

So back to court. This woman was so sweet. It was like God sent me my grandma for that afternoon. Everytime I would start to tense up and get really anxious she would reach over and rub/scratch my back (just like my grandma always did) and whisper "it will all turn out fine." Their name must have been after mine because she was still there when they called me up and gave me a deal that basically made it so the record of the crime wouldn't exist as long as I behaved myself for 2 years (which of course I will.) When I turned around after dealing with all that she was beaming. I leaned over as I walked out of the courtroom and whispered "thank you so much for your kindness and support you will never know how much it meant to me." She said "no thanks needed and I'm glad everything turned out so well for you sweetie." I went and dealt with everything that needed to be done paperwork wise and just marvaled at the wonderful gift I had been given.

On a day with so much potential for bad sucky things...I got a little bit of my grandma. I know the woman wasn't my grandma but I could feel my grandma's presence there.

I know I'm horrible

Yep I have been horrible at keeping up here. FORTUNATELY I now have motivation, drive and determination to do things. Yay right?

So my parents came to visit today. Normally this would be a stressful panic inducing situation. No my parents aren't terrible we all get along quite nicely. It more had to do with ... I don't know invasion of my safe bubble? So usually when they came to visit it required a xanax or an ativan after the first hour of trying to calmly have a nice time. It also required many cigarette breaks (yes I know BAAAAAAAAD). Today not only did I not need any meds I also didn't have a cigarette the whole time they were here which was just about 5 hours. I didn't realize it till after they left. I knew my mom would be excited. To my surprise my dad was even more excited lol. I never knew if he completely understood what I was dealing with. My mom of course did she's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. So anyway yeah today was pretty good.

Things with the husband haven't been great lately. He's been a douche. Yes my BiPolar is pretty much under control. I feel like a walking pill with all the meds I'm on but hey I feel great mentally. Now we're dealing with my allergies. I never realized how much of my lack of energy was actually because my allergies were out of control. Of course when you're depressed you don't really give a flying rat's rear and when I'm hypo the thought of drs. appts sends me into a day long panic attack. So step one was getting my year long sinus infection dealt with. I went on hard core antibiotics...like 200mg of ummm yeah can't remember the name but it did a number on my digestive system. Then a CT scan...then and ENT visit to find out YAY my sinuses are now clear and the reason I'm having so much facial pain is...ready for this? I grind my teeth in my sleep. So I went and bought a night guard...I've chewed through that puppy just about in a month. I think I can get another week out of it but holy cow! I had NO idea.

Anyhow back to the douchey husband. He seems to think that I'm a bother at this point. No I didn't have quite this many issues when we met and dated etc but hey pregnancy changes things in your body and remember I was pregnant for just about 2 years straight so I'm not surprised things change. Soooo end of September I'll be seeing an allergist. Hopefully he can help me. I can't say I'm excited about the skin and blood tests but this guy seems top notch. A new patient appointment takes three to four hours because he meets with you asks all the questions etc. Then you do the tests. THEN he meets with you THAT DAY with the results of everything and figures out what to do with you lol. I love it.

Um I've been crafting like a mad woman. I think I almost have enough done for my testers and then to open my shop. I really hope I haven't been doing all of this for nothing. I really do.

I don't know if I've laid it all out yet but this is the medication that's working for me. Effexor XR (generic), Lamictal (generic), Xanax once a day, and Seroquel XR. Serouquel is AWESOME. It was like the final puzzle piece that brought all my meds together to form a working team. SO happy. The side effect with me seems to be that my weight just won't budge. Sooo I'm still a fatty BUT I've decided to embrace it. Like I've said before I would rather be fat and a happy good mommy and wife and person that thin and completely miserable to be and to be around.

So I've found a style that works for me. That makes me feel pretty and that gives me confidence...I'll be honest a lot of it is the amount of clevage I show hehe. I've got big ol boobs always have and well. They're one of my best features those and my legs so I use them to my full advantage. Empire waisted dresses and leggings. They make my bust and legs look great and kind of hide my flawed mid section.

Yeah that's pretty much it for today but I've got to say things are going great. I can't promise I'll update every single day but I'll try for once a week and the very least.

So I've Totally Slacked on This

Yeah I know. But hey it's been chaos in the extreme.

I'm up to 300 mg of Lamictal. I'm now forgetting things like, words, how to turn on my washing machine, how to fasten a diaper etc. The dr said this isn't a good sign SO tomorrow at our appointment we'll be discussing new medication options.

My hair has fallen out quite a bit. I finally cut it to about an inch short, slowly going from mid-back to shoulder length, to a choppy bob to just getting rid of the damn stuff. We were sick of pulling long hairs out of everything. I've got bald spots but I think when I quit the Lamictal those will grow back in the loss will stop and my hair will grow.

The youngest and I had a hospital stay each. Both infinantly complicated and ridiculous.

I've finally gotten motivated to start crafting. I think I'm getting pretty good at what I've decided to do and may even try to sell it. Maybe it will make me feel more useful.

My husband asked the other day what I've been thinking about and what's been going on with me...I realized that I really had nothing to say. I mean my days are filled with dealing with stuff for him, making meals, doing chores, taking care of the kids and maybe screwing around on Facebook for a while.

Oh the doctor decided to switch me from Ativan which wasn't working for crap and gave me Xanax....OMG it's the wonder drug. I'm on 1mg 2 times a day. My sister informed me that it's quite a high dosage. I didn't realize that lol.

I'll have to post up some pictures of my craftiness pretty soon. We'll see how they turn out.

My only disappointment is that I'm running out of fabric scraps.

Reconnecting with friends

Since having children I've become a virtual recluse. I see my family occasionally. I talk with people online and I go out to the stores but all my friends fell by the wayside. It was a combination of moving and really just not caring in the midst of my depression.

I'm having my friend over tonight with her two little girls. We've been friends since elementary school. She introduced me to my husband. We've always been super close and I'm nervous as hell. I'm scared. Seriously.

I know I need friends and that I need a support system but what if we've both changed so much that we're no longer compatible as friends? What if she's totally turned off by my "crazy" stuff.

I hope this goes well because I'm meeting up with another old friend next week and this one is going to blow my confidence if it doesn't go well.

LOL I feel like I'm going on a blind date.

Complete Ignorance in Regards to Mental Illness

I was reading a post on a debate board which is part of a large community I'm a part of. It was about a woman who suffers from Schizophrenia and likely PPP (post partum psychosis.) Who commited a truly heinous act.

I heard some truly disturing points of view. I saw that if the woman was able to do what she did the way she did it then she obviously was in her right mind enough to deserve the death penalty. I saw that mentally ill people should realize they are mentally ill and ask for help. That they are adults and should therefore be expected to just automatically take their medication and if they can't do that they should go to a mental hospital and ask to be kept there until they CAN take their medications when they should.

I saw someone saying they have a mental illness and have never commited this act. Okay seriously do people not understand that different mental illnesses are well....different? They have different names and diganosises for a reason. It's not just a game that doctors play for the hell of it. There are big differences between SAD, Bipolar and Schizophrenia. Having SAD doesn't make you an expert on what someone with bipolar goes through. Nor does having bipolar make you an expert on what someone with schizophrenia goes through.

Maybe beginning psych should be a required science class in schools. I don't know. Something needs to be done about the complete ignorance about mental illnesses.

Sleep, Gotta get it.

It's so hard for me to sleep. Not to actually sleep but to get to sleep. It's crazy. When I'm in a major depressive episode I'm always tired but have a hard time falling to sleep. When I'm hypo manic, I seem like I have plenty of energy and I run myself ragged and still have problems falling asleep.

My psych doctor seems to think it may be a chronic insomnia. That when I'm in a depressed state I should have no issues falling asleep. He explained it as my brain possibly having issues switching from awake mode to sleep mode. That perhaps part of the reason I always feel fatigued is that even when I'm sleeping that switch isn't always made.

I find that interesting. It certainly sounds like me. I mean jeez even when I'm dead tired it takes me a good 45 minutes to 2 hours to fall asleep without some kind of medical aid.

I think I may start meditating or something to help calm myself for bed.

Hair loss? SERIOUSLY????

So I'm on Lamictal which is used for seziures and is also prescribed for bipolar spectrum disorders. Well I started February 1st. About a week or so later I noticed I was shedding more. I've always had SUPER thick hair. It's always been something that people comment on. Hairdressers, doctors, my family anyone who touches it says it's super thick.
So as those who have thick hair know sometimes you shed a lot. It's a normal thing. It's expected. Weather changes, diet changes all kinds of things can cause hair loss. Post pregnancy I lost hair like crazy but it never felt thinner.
Well my damn hair is falling out at an alarming rate. When I brush it, when I wash it, while I'm sleeping, when I'm just freaking standing still. It's just falling out and out and out. When I pull it back it feels thinner. My elastics wrap around my ponytail and extra time.
I looked it up. It's a pretty fraking rare side effect but hey of course it's one that I get. I'm not dizzy, no rashes, nothing you would think is horrible. One of the main reasons I chose this drug to try was to avoid weight gain.
Now I have to decide. Is my mental health worth losing my hair and feeling ugly? I've always loved my hair. LOVED it. I could thin it if I was too hot. It just looked nice and thick and luxurious. My husband loves it and now it's falling out.
The rational answer is if it's working to control my moods and mood swings then YES it's worth losing some hair. Logically I know that is the correct answer.
However as a woman. It's a hard question to look at the logical answer. It's horrible. I doubt I'll go bald but I will most definitely lose hair. Some of it may grow back within a year or so (based on information I've gotten from other people online) or it may never grow back. I could have thin hair forever. Or until I try a different drug therapy.
I'm sure this sounds like a stupid thing to some people to be so bothered by...but damnit it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like less of a woman. It makes me feel a little sick every time I run my hand through my hair and 20 or 30 hairs come out in my hand. The average hair loss per day is about 100 hairs. I know darn well I'm losing a whole heck of a lot more than that.
I guess it's just another step in my journey. Maybe I'll just have to learn to be a woman with less hair. Hey maybe now I can get a perm and have it look right. Or maybe I'll start shaving my head and wearing wigs. Or hey maybe I'll just start covering my head. Who knows.

Sickness, Resting and Meds

Last Monday my parents picked up my two oldest daughters for just about a week. They took them down to the Oregon Coast where they live and it was just Husband and the youngest home with me.

Of course the day after they left I woke up with a head and chest full of snot. I was sick pretty much the whole time as was little bean. She got something different than I did though, she had GI issues like crazy. We both spent a lot of time sleeping.

However I got to go out. ALONE. Every day by myself. Husband was glad for me lol.

Last Saturday my parents brought the girls home and we did a joint birthday party for my mom, my middle daughter and husband. It was great. My aunt and cousin came. Everyone loved their gifts. I went a little crazy I'll admit. I spoiled my mom like crazy. She's had a hard year and with the family issues she's been having I wanted to make her day special.

My medication is working. I can think more clearly. I have motivation. Less panic attacks. I still need my Ativan at times but not every day. I also don't need my sleeping pills to sleep. YAY.

Oh and our new matress is awesome. We got a memory foam mattress and topper. I will NEVER buy a regular matress again. EVER.

I've been trying so hard not to shop too much. It makes me feel so good though. To get things and look at them and use them. Sigh. It's going to be a battle. But I'm doing better. I need to find a different coping technique.

On Saturday the 20th husband and I will have been married for 5 years. I can hardly believe it. FIVE years we made it. He's put up with so much from me. I've put up with a lot from him too. I think we may make it for the long haul.

I'm still losing weight. Hubs said when asked to be honest that I looked less wide lol. I did get this really weird band of fat around my middle. So I can understand that. I feel like I look better in my clothes and I can move a little easier. I love it.

I feel like I'm really on the road to regaining myself. I've decided to apply for classes this spring. I got my FAFSA filled out and approved. I think I'm going to start out very very easy.

Spending Problems

So I've always loved to shop. It makes me feel good, when I'm depressive it cheers me up when I'm hypomanic it calms me down.

I have always shopped too much. I haven't driven us into debt with it but I've definitely made it so that things are a bit hard financially with it. Like we're a bit short on money, we don't have a savings etc.

I'm now realizing that this is a problem. I'm also realizing that it's probably tied to my bipolar. I think I need to talk to my psych dr about it.

Intrusive thoughts

I'm scared to death right now. Every time I drive I get the compulsion to unbuckle my seatbelt and slam into a tree. Every time I'm at the top of a flight of stairs I feel like throwing myself down them. I HATE intrusive thoughts. I hate the way they make me feel. I've been in a massive panic for the last few days because they are getting bad.

What is Bipolar II Disorder?

Bipolar II is very similar to bipolar I. The main difference is that while you get the low, lows your highs don't go as high. You don't have a manic episode you have a hypo-manic episode.

My doctor started me on a mood stabilizer to go along with my Effexor. We chose one that doesn't cause weight gain. I'm hoping it works. Not just as a vanity thing but as a health thing.

I'm waiting for it to kick in and praying I don't get the severe skin reaction that 1 in evey 3000 people gets. I'm on Lamictal. Let's see how it works shall we? I've now been on it for 3 days.


http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-2-disorder

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_bp2.htm

http://www.psycheducation.org/

Did I Give it to My Babies?

So on Monday while talking with my psychiatrist he mentioned that Bi Polar is hereditary. I had already been worried about passing along depression and/or anxiety along to my daughters. Now I have this incredible guilt. If I had known I had bi polar would I have had my girls? I love them so much, I love them too much to want them to suffer with this the way I have.



I don't regret having them, but I regret that I am the one that had them, that I may have passed along some mutant genes.



I don't know if I'm making sense. It's something I've been struggling with for a couple days now. I mean I guess I do know what to watch for right? I know to include it in our family history, I know that if my daughters start having problems to take them to a psych dr. rather than a PCP.


I guess it is something I'll have to come to terms with.

I Think My Husband Hates Me

Well yesterday at the psychiatrist I got the official diagnosis. Bi Polar Disorder II.

I think my husband hates me for it. I told him before we got married I had some problems with depression and anxiety and tried to explain. He didn't listen very well. The last 5 years have been me struggling to get him to understand me. It's going to be even worse now. He refuses to look up any information on it. He doesn't want to hear about it. I don't even want to talk to him about the genetics of it because that's all I'll hear about is how I gave something to our daughters.

Taking Another Look at My Diagnosis

I've always had very extreme moods. Very sudden shifts. Storms of tears or being so happy people thought I was a loon. It's always been me. I always thought I was just a freak. In fact that's what people told me I was. A freak, a spaz, hyper, loud, sensitive. Blah I grew up hearing those things.

When I was 18 I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression, something my grandmother had been convinced I had for years. It's not something they'll generally diagnose in a teenager. At least it wasn't back then. Then when I was 20 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in addition to the depression. I tried Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro and a few others. After we tried all those my doctor put me on Effexor XR. It seemed to work pretty well. The massive depressive times were gone, I still had some anxiety but I dealt with it. I could do that. I didn't have kids or a busy life. I did what I wanted when I wanted pretty much as many single people do.

While I was pregnant with my first child my midwife who really had no clue at all about mental illness suggested I see a psychiatrist. She wanted him to oversee my meds during pregnancy. I didn't really understand why I couldn't stay with what I was on but hey whatever I'm not a doctor right?

I went to see him. My God he turned me off psychiatrists for years. That man was disgusting, he peered down my shirt the entire time I was there. He prescribed me Pexiva which is apparently similar to Paxil but not the same. I never went back. I also reported him to TriCare. I was disgusted and felt horrible about the whole situation.

Changing medications was dreadful I don't know if any of you have ever gone off of Effexor. Withdrawl from hell I'm telling you. It lasts for months really and you have to be off that medication to switch to another. It was terrible. The new medication didn't work for crap. You may as well have given me a sugar pill. I prayed for it to work but it didn't.

After pregnancy my PCP told me she wanted me to see a counselor. I wasn't really thrilled and it took me a good 3 months to schedule but I finally did. She was a sweet older woman. I talked with her. We discussed my symptoms etc. She wasn't a doctor so she couldn't officially diagnose but after seeing her for a while she had me take a little test I guess you could call it. It told me that I have a mood disorder. She said the scary words Bi Polar. It freaked me out. I'm not Bi Polar. My drug addicted, drunk uncle is but not me hell no. I saw her a few more times and stopped.

I chugged along on my meds and off my meds.

This fall I went back on them again. They helped with the deep depressions. I felt great for a couple months then the panics started. I went and got Ativan. It sort of helped but not really. So I logged on my trusty computer and started searching.

Turns out there isn't only one type of Bi Polar. There are a few. Bi Polar II sounds just like me. I have low low low lows but my highs aren't manic really. It's more tense. Irritable, anxious, twitchy, mood swingy. Like me.

My PCP is a physicians assistant. Great for general stuff but when I try to talk to him about mental health type things...he's lost you can tell. I don't blame him I mean if it was so easy why would they have an entire field devoted to it? They wouldn't SOOOO I'm going to see a psychiatrist. I'm nervous. I'm afraid to go in there and say look I think this is what's wrong with me. I'm hoping he'll listen and help me.

Rediscovering Makeup and Skincare

Before I was a mommy I was a cosmetic addict.

I loved makeup. I loved trying the new products, lip gloss, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara all of it. I liked trying the new fads, I liked making my face look different. I loved dying my hair, perming it, cutting it, trying new things.

I had many cosmetic bags stuffed with makeup, shoebox size bins filled with hair accessories and all kinds of trendy fun jewelry.

My ears were triple pierced and I took great care to look good.

I liked myself and I liked making myself look good.


Once I had the baby I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped doing my hair (ponytails don't count), hell I stopped washing my face most days if we're going to be perfectly honest.

So here I was 4 years past this and all my stuff was old, drying out and I'm sure breeding stuff. I knew the brands I liked. Clinique, Lancome, Estee Lauder. LOL I couldn't afford those anymore. So I went to Target and started wandering. I had made a few half hearted attempts at jump starting my beauty routine before and had talked to the representative for Boots. So I went and talked to her again.

We tried out foundations, powders, colors, different cleansers, serums etc. She's super sweet and any time I go to Target I stop and chat with her. It took me a while to get my stash built up but I've done it. I can now put on a face lol. It's much more natural than I used to do but I like the way it looks. It evens out my skin tone. I got a few funkier colors for my eyes from the HIP collection from Mabeline I think it is. Not really sure on that one. They've got some fun colors.

Of course I'm sure I'll continue to pick up make up here and there. I don't really have colors for a night look.

So my friends if you need to update try Boots. They have several lines. My favorite is the Botanics line. That's where all my skincare comes from. They also have Botanic Organic, No7 and a line that's even less expensive called Expert Skincare. That stuff is great as well. It's all non scented and formulated for sensitive skin I believe.

What Depression is NOT.

Depression is not just something one can snap out of.
Depression is not just a bad attitude.
Depression is not someone just being lazy.
Depression is not someone just "feeling a little sad."
Depression is not hypochondria.
Depression is not fake.
Depression is not imagined.

Let me tell you what depression means for me. I'll then tell you what some medical type people say it is.

Depression to me means I'm exhausted. All the time. No matter how much sleep I did or did not get. It means I almost always have that achey flu feel. My joints are always sore. It means I lay down at night to sleep and take 3 hours to fall asleep because my head cannot stop hashing out things that could go wrong over and over and over again. It means loving my children but not wanting to spend any time with them. Doing things for them but not enjoying them. It means sex with my husband becomes an un enjoyable experience that I just do out of duty. It means mood swings, rage, sobbing, anxiety attacks and on and on.

It's not the same for everyone. But I can tell you this much. It's not fun for anyone.

The Mayo Clinic Defines "Depression"
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175

Depression Symptoms:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=symptoms

Different types of depression and other mental illnesses that can seem like depression:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=tests-and-diagnosis

Depression Self Assessment:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/MH00103_D

You're never fully dressed without a ... BRA!!!

The first purchase that I made for myself was bras. My man sold his WoW (World of Warcraft) account for $400 dollars. Woohoo. He got home and promptly gave me $100 and told me to go buy some bras. I was pretty darn excited. But where should I go? I mean obviously I'm too fat for Victorias Secret and even when I'm not fat I can't wear their itty bitty bras. Tatas like mine LAUGH at cutsy little Victoria's Secret bras. I didn't really want to go to Nordstrom. Yes I have heard that they have fantastic fitters. Wonderful bras. Blah Blah Blah but to be quite honest ... they're kinda snobby in that place and I just wasn't emotionally ready to have someone looking down her nose at me while measuring my fat butt for a new bra.

So where??? I decided to just go over to the mall and look. Then as I was walking up the mall along my usual route it struck me. Lane Bryant.
Lane Bryant??? Fat girls shop there!
Hello chubby you ARE a fat girl!

Oh hehe yeah. So I went in. You know what I figured out? They aren't just for overweight people. They sell bras with a 34 band for crying outloud. Their bras are just good bras in a HUGE variety of sizes.

So I walked in. I started looking around. About half their store is dedicated to bras. I think LB understands that some women only shop for their bras there. After wandering and wandering someone came over to help me. She measured me and told me that I would be a 46 H. I was skeptical. Extremely so. She told me that in sizes like that I could try on the store model and order any color or style I want to be shipped to the store free. Of course I'm standing there having a total panic attack sweating like a pig. I was embarrassed. 46 band wow. I knew I had gained weight but...jeez.

So I took the model bra in and tried it on. Then laughed my butt off. My boobs actually looked small in this thing. I took it off handed it to the clerk and told her I would look for myself. I ended up grabbing a 46 DDD off the rack. Two different styles noting while I did that they had all kinds of fun colors. I was used to white, beige, black and MAYBE light pink as far as bras went.

Took them into the fitting room and was just absolutely thrilled. A bra that actually held my boobs up not only made my tits look good but honestly made my whole torso look better. I picked out two plunge style bras and two balconette and for only 8 dollars over the 100 dollars my loving husband had given me I got my fancy new bras. I also got some kind of woman dollars. You know what I mean the fake money they give you that says hey come spend $50 we'll give you $25 off. So I could go spend $100 and get $50 off. I would ponder that.

Turns out that while plunge bras are super sexy they aren't the best when you're bending over to deal with munchkins every 2 seconds. So two of the bras would have to go back... maybe I could do some shopping while I was there?

It's A Climb

Getting out of the hole I had sunk down into has been a climb. I know I'm not even near the top of it yet but I'm starting to see glimmers of hope.

I've lost 25 -30lbs (depending on the day and time of month it is) since the middle of October. I'm pretty proud of that considering all the food that happens that time of year.

I've updated my wardrobe. I used any and all Christmas money that was to be spent on me, the money my lovely husband gave me from selling his WoW account, money I budgeted out of the household money. Basically any little extra bit of money that I could use.

I didn't do it dishonestly. I talked to my husband. He was all for it. He was tired of seeing me in yoga pants that were falling down around my butt that I had worn through two pregnancies, tank tops with stretched out necklines and torn out hems, bras that were woefully undersupportive for the DDD honkers I've got perched upon my chest.

I mean yeah he still told me how beautiful, sexy and desirable I was to him but he had also started making little hints about what a nice butt I would have if only I wasn't wearing pants that bagged over it. Stuff like that.

The Beginning of a Long Climb

In the middle of October I discovered that Effexor was available in a generic form. Not the extended release but the original that has to be taken a couple times a day. I called and made a doctors apointment that day. The nurse told me that my doctor was on vaction but would I mind seeing a different doctor? Of course not I hate my doctor anyway. The man seemed so hesitant to put me on the medication that I know I need. She told me that they had an open appointment in just 2 days. "Thank you so much" I told her, "I'm really starting to feel desperate."

I went into the appointment. I sat down. I told the doctor this is what I want, this is what I need and this is why. He said okay let's figure out a dosage. It was so easy. So simple. He didn't jerk me around. He didn't hem and haw over it. He just did what I told him I needed.

I went to fill my prescription. I would have to take 2 tabs twice a day so it was 120 pills every month. I was a little afraid to hear how much this was going to cost. $5.00. That was it. Five measly dollars. I could have been happy and healthy for only $5.00 a month had someone only told me the information I needed. I was overjoyed and also a little pissed.

So I started building up to the full dosage. Bam my appetite was normal again. Yes I got hungry but I didn't feel like always eating. Within a month I started feeling like a new woman.

The Descent Continues

So he went, it was hellish. I was pregnant, with a young child. Stressing about getting out of the Navy, moving, finding him a job. Sure I was still on my meds but really life was just overwhelming. The next few months were a blur. He finally got out of the Navy December 26th 2006. His MOS, the one everyone said it would make it so easy to find a new job when he got out? Yeah it really wasn't the best.

I had my second little girl on Febuary 17th 2007. Of course I didn't have any insurance. My DSHS application was still pending. The nurses and doctors treated me like garbage it was great for my self esteem.

My husband finally got a job that started April first. We had like 2 weeks to find a new home. So we found a place in Tacoma, put in for a move and loaded up a few things to stay for a week with no furniture. It actually wasn't too bad, my Dizzy loved running around the wide open spaces of our new apartment...6 weeks after having my second daughter I felt those familiar symptoms. I went into Target with my 17 month old and newborn baby and bought a pregnancy test. Yes I felt like a freak.

I was pregnant. Again. We freaked. My husband asked me to get an abortion. We fought about it, talked about it, cried about it and finally I convinced him I couldn't do it.

The next year went by in a blur of pain and exhaustion and ended in a c-section and a 9lb baby girl. I asked them to tie my tubes when they were in there. They did.

It took me forever to heal from my c-section. I couldn't take it easy like they recommended. I couldn't not drive, or walk up a bunch of stairs or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I had three kids damnit.

Honestly a lot of the last 2 years have blurred by. I had periods where I was deeply depressed and off my meds due to cost. Periods where I was on my meds but still depressed and totally sleep deprived. I was off my meds for just about a year because my insurance raised the price. $50 for a prescription of Effexor XR. I had to have two. So $100 per month. We just couldn't swing it. Of course when I told my dr. that I had to go off due to cost did the moron mention that regular Effexor was now a generic? No of course not. So I went through a long long long period of depression. By the time I finally went into the doctor to demand some help I hated everything, I was 100lbs overweight, I couldn't stand my husband, my kids, my cat, my house I pretty much just couldn't stand my life.