I know I'm horrible

Yep I have been horrible at keeping up here. FORTUNATELY I now have motivation, drive and determination to do things. Yay right?

So my parents came to visit today. Normally this would be a stressful panic inducing situation. No my parents aren't terrible we all get along quite nicely. It more had to do with ... I don't know invasion of my safe bubble? So usually when they came to visit it required a xanax or an ativan after the first hour of trying to calmly have a nice time. It also required many cigarette breaks (yes I know BAAAAAAAAD). Today not only did I not need any meds I also didn't have a cigarette the whole time they were here which was just about 5 hours. I didn't realize it till after they left. I knew my mom would be excited. To my surprise my dad was even more excited lol. I never knew if he completely understood what I was dealing with. My mom of course did she's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. So anyway yeah today was pretty good.

Things with the husband haven't been great lately. He's been a douche. Yes my BiPolar is pretty much under control. I feel like a walking pill with all the meds I'm on but hey I feel great mentally. Now we're dealing with my allergies. I never realized how much of my lack of energy was actually because my allergies were out of control. Of course when you're depressed you don't really give a flying rat's rear and when I'm hypo the thought of drs. appts sends me into a day long panic attack. So step one was getting my year long sinus infection dealt with. I went on hard core antibiotics...like 200mg of ummm yeah can't remember the name but it did a number on my digestive system. Then a CT scan...then and ENT visit to find out YAY my sinuses are now clear and the reason I'm having so much facial pain is...ready for this? I grind my teeth in my sleep. So I went and bought a night guard...I've chewed through that puppy just about in a month. I think I can get another week out of it but holy cow! I had NO idea.

Anyhow back to the douchey husband. He seems to think that I'm a bother at this point. No I didn't have quite this many issues when we met and dated etc but hey pregnancy changes things in your body and remember I was pregnant for just about 2 years straight so I'm not surprised things change. Soooo end of September I'll be seeing an allergist. Hopefully he can help me. I can't say I'm excited about the skin and blood tests but this guy seems top notch. A new patient appointment takes three to four hours because he meets with you asks all the questions etc. Then you do the tests. THEN he meets with you THAT DAY with the results of everything and figures out what to do with you lol. I love it.

Um I've been crafting like a mad woman. I think I almost have enough done for my testers and then to open my shop. I really hope I haven't been doing all of this for nothing. I really do.

I don't know if I've laid it all out yet but this is the medication that's working for me. Effexor XR (generic), Lamictal (generic), Xanax once a day, and Seroquel XR. Serouquel is AWESOME. It was like the final puzzle piece that brought all my meds together to form a working team. SO happy. The side effect with me seems to be that my weight just won't budge. Sooo I'm still a fatty BUT I've decided to embrace it. Like I've said before I would rather be fat and a happy good mommy and wife and person that thin and completely miserable to be and to be around.

So I've found a style that works for me. That makes me feel pretty and that gives me confidence...I'll be honest a lot of it is the amount of clevage I show hehe. I've got big ol boobs always have and well. They're one of my best features those and my legs so I use them to my full advantage. Empire waisted dresses and leggings. They make my bust and legs look great and kind of hide my flawed mid section.

Yeah that's pretty much it for today but I've got to say things are going great. I can't promise I'll update every single day but I'll try for once a week and the very least.

So I've Totally Slacked on This

Yeah I know. But hey it's been chaos in the extreme.

I'm up to 300 mg of Lamictal. I'm now forgetting things like, words, how to turn on my washing machine, how to fasten a diaper etc. The dr said this isn't a good sign SO tomorrow at our appointment we'll be discussing new medication options.

My hair has fallen out quite a bit. I finally cut it to about an inch short, slowly going from mid-back to shoulder length, to a choppy bob to just getting rid of the damn stuff. We were sick of pulling long hairs out of everything. I've got bald spots but I think when I quit the Lamictal those will grow back in the loss will stop and my hair will grow.

The youngest and I had a hospital stay each. Both infinantly complicated and ridiculous.

I've finally gotten motivated to start crafting. I think I'm getting pretty good at what I've decided to do and may even try to sell it. Maybe it will make me feel more useful.

My husband asked the other day what I've been thinking about and what's been going on with me...I realized that I really had nothing to say. I mean my days are filled with dealing with stuff for him, making meals, doing chores, taking care of the kids and maybe screwing around on Facebook for a while.

Oh the doctor decided to switch me from Ativan which wasn't working for crap and gave me Xanax....OMG it's the wonder drug. I'm on 1mg 2 times a day. My sister informed me that it's quite a high dosage. I didn't realize that lol.

I'll have to post up some pictures of my craftiness pretty soon. We'll see how they turn out.

My only disappointment is that I'm running out of fabric scraps.

I think I need a hobby.

I need something to do. It's too late to start school. I get some exercise and I'm still working on my looks....I need something fun and challenging. I used to love crafting but I can't decide what I want to do. I've thought about trying to make jewelry and hair stuff for children out of fabric but I'm not sure exactly what to do. Any suggestions? I already have a TON of fabric but don't want to do a ton of sewing.

Taking Another Look at My Diagnosis

I've always had very extreme moods. Very sudden shifts. Storms of tears or being so happy people thought I was a loon. It's always been me. I always thought I was just a freak. In fact that's what people told me I was. A freak, a spaz, hyper, loud, sensitive. Blah I grew up hearing those things.

When I was 18 I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression, something my grandmother had been convinced I had for years. It's not something they'll generally diagnose in a teenager. At least it wasn't back then. Then when I was 20 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in addition to the depression. I tried Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro and a few others. After we tried all those my doctor put me on Effexor XR. It seemed to work pretty well. The massive depressive times were gone, I still had some anxiety but I dealt with it. I could do that. I didn't have kids or a busy life. I did what I wanted when I wanted pretty much as many single people do.

While I was pregnant with my first child my midwife who really had no clue at all about mental illness suggested I see a psychiatrist. She wanted him to oversee my meds during pregnancy. I didn't really understand why I couldn't stay with what I was on but hey whatever I'm not a doctor right?

I went to see him. My God he turned me off psychiatrists for years. That man was disgusting, he peered down my shirt the entire time I was there. He prescribed me Pexiva which is apparently similar to Paxil but not the same. I never went back. I also reported him to TriCare. I was disgusted and felt horrible about the whole situation.

Changing medications was dreadful I don't know if any of you have ever gone off of Effexor. Withdrawl from hell I'm telling you. It lasts for months really and you have to be off that medication to switch to another. It was terrible. The new medication didn't work for crap. You may as well have given me a sugar pill. I prayed for it to work but it didn't.

After pregnancy my PCP told me she wanted me to see a counselor. I wasn't really thrilled and it took me a good 3 months to schedule but I finally did. She was a sweet older woman. I talked with her. We discussed my symptoms etc. She wasn't a doctor so she couldn't officially diagnose but after seeing her for a while she had me take a little test I guess you could call it. It told me that I have a mood disorder. She said the scary words Bi Polar. It freaked me out. I'm not Bi Polar. My drug addicted, drunk uncle is but not me hell no. I saw her a few more times and stopped.

I chugged along on my meds and off my meds.

This fall I went back on them again. They helped with the deep depressions. I felt great for a couple months then the panics started. I went and got Ativan. It sort of helped but not really. So I logged on my trusty computer and started searching.

Turns out there isn't only one type of Bi Polar. There are a few. Bi Polar II sounds just like me. I have low low low lows but my highs aren't manic really. It's more tense. Irritable, anxious, twitchy, mood swingy. Like me.

My PCP is a physicians assistant. Great for general stuff but when I try to talk to him about mental health type things...he's lost you can tell. I don't blame him I mean if it was so easy why would they have an entire field devoted to it? They wouldn't SOOOO I'm going to see a psychiatrist. I'm nervous. I'm afraid to go in there and say look I think this is what's wrong with me. I'm hoping he'll listen and help me.

Rediscovering Makeup and Skincare

Before I was a mommy I was a cosmetic addict.

I loved makeup. I loved trying the new products, lip gloss, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara all of it. I liked trying the new fads, I liked making my face look different. I loved dying my hair, perming it, cutting it, trying new things.

I had many cosmetic bags stuffed with makeup, shoebox size bins filled with hair accessories and all kinds of trendy fun jewelry.

My ears were triple pierced and I took great care to look good.

I liked myself and I liked making myself look good.


Once I had the baby I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped doing my hair (ponytails don't count), hell I stopped washing my face most days if we're going to be perfectly honest.

So here I was 4 years past this and all my stuff was old, drying out and I'm sure breeding stuff. I knew the brands I liked. Clinique, Lancome, Estee Lauder. LOL I couldn't afford those anymore. So I went to Target and started wandering. I had made a few half hearted attempts at jump starting my beauty routine before and had talked to the representative for Boots. So I went and talked to her again.

We tried out foundations, powders, colors, different cleansers, serums etc. She's super sweet and any time I go to Target I stop and chat with her. It took me a while to get my stash built up but I've done it. I can now put on a face lol. It's much more natural than I used to do but I like the way it looks. It evens out my skin tone. I got a few funkier colors for my eyes from the HIP collection from Mabeline I think it is. Not really sure on that one. They've got some fun colors.

Of course I'm sure I'll continue to pick up make up here and there. I don't really have colors for a night look.

So my friends if you need to update try Boots. They have several lines. My favorite is the Botanics line. That's where all my skincare comes from. They also have Botanic Organic, No7 and a line that's even less expensive called Expert Skincare. That stuff is great as well. It's all non scented and formulated for sensitive skin I believe.

You're never fully dressed without a ... BRA!!!

The first purchase that I made for myself was bras. My man sold his WoW (World of Warcraft) account for $400 dollars. Woohoo. He got home and promptly gave me $100 and told me to go buy some bras. I was pretty darn excited. But where should I go? I mean obviously I'm too fat for Victorias Secret and even when I'm not fat I can't wear their itty bitty bras. Tatas like mine LAUGH at cutsy little Victoria's Secret bras. I didn't really want to go to Nordstrom. Yes I have heard that they have fantastic fitters. Wonderful bras. Blah Blah Blah but to be quite honest ... they're kinda snobby in that place and I just wasn't emotionally ready to have someone looking down her nose at me while measuring my fat butt for a new bra.

So where??? I decided to just go over to the mall and look. Then as I was walking up the mall along my usual route it struck me. Lane Bryant.
Lane Bryant??? Fat girls shop there!
Hello chubby you ARE a fat girl!

Oh hehe yeah. So I went in. You know what I figured out? They aren't just for overweight people. They sell bras with a 34 band for crying outloud. Their bras are just good bras in a HUGE variety of sizes.

So I walked in. I started looking around. About half their store is dedicated to bras. I think LB understands that some women only shop for their bras there. After wandering and wandering someone came over to help me. She measured me and told me that I would be a 46 H. I was skeptical. Extremely so. She told me that in sizes like that I could try on the store model and order any color or style I want to be shipped to the store free. Of course I'm standing there having a total panic attack sweating like a pig. I was embarrassed. 46 band wow. I knew I had gained weight but...jeez.

So I took the model bra in and tried it on. Then laughed my butt off. My boobs actually looked small in this thing. I took it off handed it to the clerk and told her I would look for myself. I ended up grabbing a 46 DDD off the rack. Two different styles noting while I did that they had all kinds of fun colors. I was used to white, beige, black and MAYBE light pink as far as bras went.

Took them into the fitting room and was just absolutely thrilled. A bra that actually held my boobs up not only made my tits look good but honestly made my whole torso look better. I picked out two plunge style bras and two balconette and for only 8 dollars over the 100 dollars my loving husband had given me I got my fancy new bras. I also got some kind of woman dollars. You know what I mean the fake money they give you that says hey come spend $50 we'll give you $25 off. So I could go spend $100 and get $50 off. I would ponder that.

Turns out that while plunge bras are super sexy they aren't the best when you're bending over to deal with munchkins every 2 seconds. So two of the bras would have to go back... maybe I could do some shopping while I was there?

It's A Climb

Getting out of the hole I had sunk down into has been a climb. I know I'm not even near the top of it yet but I'm starting to see glimmers of hope.

I've lost 25 -30lbs (depending on the day and time of month it is) since the middle of October. I'm pretty proud of that considering all the food that happens that time of year.

I've updated my wardrobe. I used any and all Christmas money that was to be spent on me, the money my lovely husband gave me from selling his WoW account, money I budgeted out of the household money. Basically any little extra bit of money that I could use.

I didn't do it dishonestly. I talked to my husband. He was all for it. He was tired of seeing me in yoga pants that were falling down around my butt that I had worn through two pregnancies, tank tops with stretched out necklines and torn out hems, bras that were woefully undersupportive for the DDD honkers I've got perched upon my chest.

I mean yeah he still told me how beautiful, sexy and desirable I was to him but he had also started making little hints about what a nice butt I would have if only I wasn't wearing pants that bagged over it. Stuff like that.

The Beginning of a Long Climb

In the middle of October I discovered that Effexor was available in a generic form. Not the extended release but the original that has to be taken a couple times a day. I called and made a doctors apointment that day. The nurse told me that my doctor was on vaction but would I mind seeing a different doctor? Of course not I hate my doctor anyway. The man seemed so hesitant to put me on the medication that I know I need. She told me that they had an open appointment in just 2 days. "Thank you so much" I told her, "I'm really starting to feel desperate."

I went into the appointment. I sat down. I told the doctor this is what I want, this is what I need and this is why. He said okay let's figure out a dosage. It was so easy. So simple. He didn't jerk me around. He didn't hem and haw over it. He just did what I told him I needed.

I went to fill my prescription. I would have to take 2 tabs twice a day so it was 120 pills every month. I was a little afraid to hear how much this was going to cost. $5.00. That was it. Five measly dollars. I could have been happy and healthy for only $5.00 a month had someone only told me the information I needed. I was overjoyed and also a little pissed.

So I started building up to the full dosage. Bam my appetite was normal again. Yes I got hungry but I didn't feel like always eating. Within a month I started feeling like a new woman.

The Descent Continues

So he went, it was hellish. I was pregnant, with a young child. Stressing about getting out of the Navy, moving, finding him a job. Sure I was still on my meds but really life was just overwhelming. The next few months were a blur. He finally got out of the Navy December 26th 2006. His MOS, the one everyone said it would make it so easy to find a new job when he got out? Yeah it really wasn't the best.

I had my second little girl on Febuary 17th 2007. Of course I didn't have any insurance. My DSHS application was still pending. The nurses and doctors treated me like garbage it was great for my self esteem.

My husband finally got a job that started April first. We had like 2 weeks to find a new home. So we found a place in Tacoma, put in for a move and loaded up a few things to stay for a week with no furniture. It actually wasn't too bad, my Dizzy loved running around the wide open spaces of our new apartment...6 weeks after having my second daughter I felt those familiar symptoms. I went into Target with my 17 month old and newborn baby and bought a pregnancy test. Yes I felt like a freak.

I was pregnant. Again. We freaked. My husband asked me to get an abortion. We fought about it, talked about it, cried about it and finally I convinced him I couldn't do it.

The next year went by in a blur of pain and exhaustion and ended in a c-section and a 9lb baby girl. I asked them to tie my tubes when they were in there. They did.

It took me forever to heal from my c-section. I couldn't take it easy like they recommended. I couldn't not drive, or walk up a bunch of stairs or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I had three kids damnit.

Honestly a lot of the last 2 years have blurred by. I had periods where I was deeply depressed and off my meds due to cost. Periods where I was on my meds but still depressed and totally sleep deprived. I was off my meds for just about a year because my insurance raised the price. $50 for a prescription of Effexor XR. I had to have two. So $100 per month. We just couldn't swing it. Of course when I told my dr. that I had to go off due to cost did the moron mention that regular Effexor was now a generic? No of course not. So I went through a long long long period of depression. By the time I finally went into the doctor to demand some help I hated everything, I was 100lbs overweight, I couldn't stand my husband, my kids, my cat, my house I pretty much just couldn't stand my life.

The Descent Part III

It got worse and worse and worse etc. I just kept sliding down hill. I tried to kill myself a few times. My husband finally got me into the doctor. (one of my problems when in a deep depression is massive panic attacks when faced with going to the dr.)

The doctor talked to me and put me on a couple of medications. I started slowly returning to at least a semi normal state. Quite honestly I'm not a hundred percent sure when this was. It was mid spring I believe. I started really getting better just in time for my husband to go back out to sea.

I'm sure he was glad but I'm betting that he was wishing I had been normal while he was home. I mean I warned him while we were dating that I had clinical depression and General Anxiety Disorder. He said he understood. But I'm sure he didn't.

About 2 weeks after my husband left I found out I was pregnant again. It was not good timing. The baby was due 2 months after he was due to be discharged. I told him. He wasn't super happy which meant I wasn't either. He finally got back from patrol at the beginning of August. We were looking forward to coasting through his last few months of service and using all the free time to find him a high paying civilian job.

That wasn't going to happen he got told that he was needed on another boomer. They were short crew members so yay for you shipmate you get to fill in. He had only been home a week and they were sending him back out. We were NOT happy to say the very least.

The Descent Part II

PPD. Post Partum Depression. They warn you that it can happen. They tell you that you should seek help. My husband was gone and I was so terrified that if I told people what I was feeling that they would take my baby from me. So I holed up in my house, other than going out to shop (the one thing I could do without having panic attacks) I stayed home.

I stayed in my house and I played World of Warcraft and I ate. I took care of my baby of course. I spent 6 hours every evening rocking, walking, shushing, applying warming pads, bicycling her legs, rubbing her tummy and more. She screamed bloody murder for SIX HOURS every night. Every.Single.Night.

I researched PPD on the internet. I had most of the symptoms. Intrusive thoughts. I saw myself slashing my wrists and leaving my daughter to a better life without such a failure for a mom. I never saw myself hurting her. Even at the peak of her screaming periods I never wanted to harm her. I wanted so much for her. I wanted her to have an awesome mom and I knew that would never be me. I gained back all the weight I had lost. Plus some.

My husband came back from patrol and was a bit surprised. The house wasn't all neat and spiffy like it had been last time. The baby was dressed up all cute, but I was fat and looked like crap. Sure I had put on my cutest outfit and makeup. Yeah I was really glad he was home but I knew he was disappointed.

The Descent

I'm 28 years old. I had three children right in a row. I had my oldest Dizzy at 24, Bee at 25 and Beffy at 26.

Right before I got pregnant I had just lost 80 lbs. It was honestly the first time in my life I had pride in the way I looked. I wasn't super thin but I looked good. I had a hairstyle I liked, I could afford to buy the products I wanted to make my hair, skin and face look better. I could choose not to eat anything but plain chicken breasts for a week and use my food money to buy hot new panties or jeans.

It was the best time in my life. I had made it to 23 as a virgin and was thinking about possibly at least getting past kissing. I felt like I could get a guy to look at me. I did. I met my husband we dated intensely and 5 months later I was pregant. He was in the Navy and about to ship out for a 3 month patrol so we threw together a wedding and got married. He left 2 days later.

I spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy commuting from Bremerton to Downtown Seattle daily to work. This includes a 20 minute bus trip on the Bremerton side, an hour long ferry trip and a 30 minute bus ride on the Seattle side. Each way. I started gaining weight quicker than I should have due to the ridiculous hours and my enormous appetite.

By the time my husband was back I had already gained 25 lbs. I put on weight quickly. My doctors took me off of the antidepressant I had been on for years and the weight piled on even faster. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm depressed I eat.

A lot.

It makes me feel better. I think by the time I had my daughter I had gained 60 lbs.

My husband left for another patrol a week after I gave birth. In about a month after he left I had taken off about 40 of those pregnancy pounds. I looked squishy but better. That didn't last long.