Hair loss? SERIOUSLY????

So I'm on Lamictal which is used for seziures and is also prescribed for bipolar spectrum disorders. Well I started February 1st. About a week or so later I noticed I was shedding more. I've always had SUPER thick hair. It's always been something that people comment on. Hairdressers, doctors, my family anyone who touches it says it's super thick.
So as those who have thick hair know sometimes you shed a lot. It's a normal thing. It's expected. Weather changes, diet changes all kinds of things can cause hair loss. Post pregnancy I lost hair like crazy but it never felt thinner.
Well my damn hair is falling out at an alarming rate. When I brush it, when I wash it, while I'm sleeping, when I'm just freaking standing still. It's just falling out and out and out. When I pull it back it feels thinner. My elastics wrap around my ponytail and extra time.
I looked it up. It's a pretty fraking rare side effect but hey of course it's one that I get. I'm not dizzy, no rashes, nothing you would think is horrible. One of the main reasons I chose this drug to try was to avoid weight gain.
Now I have to decide. Is my mental health worth losing my hair and feeling ugly? I've always loved my hair. LOVED it. I could thin it if I was too hot. It just looked nice and thick and luxurious. My husband loves it and now it's falling out.
The rational answer is if it's working to control my moods and mood swings then YES it's worth losing some hair. Logically I know that is the correct answer.
However as a woman. It's a hard question to look at the logical answer. It's horrible. I doubt I'll go bald but I will most definitely lose hair. Some of it may grow back within a year or so (based on information I've gotten from other people online) or it may never grow back. I could have thin hair forever. Or until I try a different drug therapy.
I'm sure this sounds like a stupid thing to some people to be so bothered by...but damnit it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like less of a woman. It makes me feel a little sick every time I run my hand through my hair and 20 or 30 hairs come out in my hand. The average hair loss per day is about 100 hairs. I know darn well I'm losing a whole heck of a lot more than that.
I guess it's just another step in my journey. Maybe I'll just have to learn to be a woman with less hair. Hey maybe now I can get a perm and have it look right. Or maybe I'll start shaving my head and wearing wigs. Or hey maybe I'll just start covering my head. Who knows.

Sickness, Resting and Meds

Last Monday my parents picked up my two oldest daughters for just about a week. They took them down to the Oregon Coast where they live and it was just Husband and the youngest home with me.

Of course the day after they left I woke up with a head and chest full of snot. I was sick pretty much the whole time as was little bean. She got something different than I did though, she had GI issues like crazy. We both spent a lot of time sleeping.

However I got to go out. ALONE. Every day by myself. Husband was glad for me lol.

Last Saturday my parents brought the girls home and we did a joint birthday party for my mom, my middle daughter and husband. It was great. My aunt and cousin came. Everyone loved their gifts. I went a little crazy I'll admit. I spoiled my mom like crazy. She's had a hard year and with the family issues she's been having I wanted to make her day special.

My medication is working. I can think more clearly. I have motivation. Less panic attacks. I still need my Ativan at times but not every day. I also don't need my sleeping pills to sleep. YAY.

Oh and our new matress is awesome. We got a memory foam mattress and topper. I will NEVER buy a regular matress again. EVER.

I've been trying so hard not to shop too much. It makes me feel so good though. To get things and look at them and use them. Sigh. It's going to be a battle. But I'm doing better. I need to find a different coping technique.

On Saturday the 20th husband and I will have been married for 5 years. I can hardly believe it. FIVE years we made it. He's put up with so much from me. I've put up with a lot from him too. I think we may make it for the long haul.

I'm still losing weight. Hubs said when asked to be honest that I looked less wide lol. I did get this really weird band of fat around my middle. So I can understand that. I feel like I look better in my clothes and I can move a little easier. I love it.

I feel like I'm really on the road to regaining myself. I've decided to apply for classes this spring. I got my FAFSA filled out and approved. I think I'm going to start out very very easy.

Spending Problems

So I've always loved to shop. It makes me feel good, when I'm depressive it cheers me up when I'm hypomanic it calms me down.

I have always shopped too much. I haven't driven us into debt with it but I've definitely made it so that things are a bit hard financially with it. Like we're a bit short on money, we don't have a savings etc.

I'm now realizing that this is a problem. I'm also realizing that it's probably tied to my bipolar. I think I need to talk to my psych dr about it.

Intrusive thoughts

I'm scared to death right now. Every time I drive I get the compulsion to unbuckle my seatbelt and slam into a tree. Every time I'm at the top of a flight of stairs I feel like throwing myself down them. I HATE intrusive thoughts. I hate the way they make me feel. I've been in a massive panic for the last few days because they are getting bad.

What is Bipolar II Disorder?

Bipolar II is very similar to bipolar I. The main difference is that while you get the low, lows your highs don't go as high. You don't have a manic episode you have a hypo-manic episode.

My doctor started me on a mood stabilizer to go along with my Effexor. We chose one that doesn't cause weight gain. I'm hoping it works. Not just as a vanity thing but as a health thing.

I'm waiting for it to kick in and praying I don't get the severe skin reaction that 1 in evey 3000 people gets. I'm on Lamictal. Let's see how it works shall we? I've now been on it for 3 days.


http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-2-disorder

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_bp2.htm

http://www.psycheducation.org/

Did I Give it to My Babies?

So on Monday while talking with my psychiatrist he mentioned that Bi Polar is hereditary. I had already been worried about passing along depression and/or anxiety along to my daughters. Now I have this incredible guilt. If I had known I had bi polar would I have had my girls? I love them so much, I love them too much to want them to suffer with this the way I have.



I don't regret having them, but I regret that I am the one that had them, that I may have passed along some mutant genes.



I don't know if I'm making sense. It's something I've been struggling with for a couple days now. I mean I guess I do know what to watch for right? I know to include it in our family history, I know that if my daughters start having problems to take them to a psych dr. rather than a PCP.


I guess it is something I'll have to come to terms with.

I Think My Husband Hates Me

Well yesterday at the psychiatrist I got the official diagnosis. Bi Polar Disorder II.

I think my husband hates me for it. I told him before we got married I had some problems with depression and anxiety and tried to explain. He didn't listen very well. The last 5 years have been me struggling to get him to understand me. It's going to be even worse now. He refuses to look up any information on it. He doesn't want to hear about it. I don't even want to talk to him about the genetics of it because that's all I'll hear about is how I gave something to our daughters.