The Spirit of My Grandma

Hi! So yesterday I had to go to court. It was for something stupid done when I was hypo-manic. SO out of character for me. Anyhow that's not really the story. There were a billion people there (well 75 cases) and they went alphabetically. Lets just say I'm one of the last 8 or so numbers in the alphabet.

So I'm sitting there anxious out of my mind, twisting my fingers, scratching my neck, biting my nails. All the normal freak out things for me. This older woman she was probably about 65 reached over and patted my hand. "It'll be alright sweetie" she said. She then rubbed her hand across my back a couple times and patted my shoulder. It reminded me so much of my grandma. I got tears in my eyes and thats when I realized she was wearing my grandma's perfume.

My grandmother and I were SUPER close. I was the first grandchild. I was her shopping buddy, her laying around watching tv buddy. I lived with her a couple of times during my early adult years. Both for her and me to be honest. She was the one who convinced me to see a doctor about depression and anxiety when I was 18. She understood me and I understood her. She was so kind hearted. She gave people almost unlimited chances and forgiveness for their mistakes. I loved her so much. I was there with her when she died. I laid on her hospital bed and held her while her body gave out on her. I told her I loved her and I know she loved me.

So back to court. This woman was so sweet. It was like God sent me my grandma for that afternoon. Everytime I would start to tense up and get really anxious she would reach over and rub/scratch my back (just like my grandma always did) and whisper "it will all turn out fine." Their name must have been after mine because she was still there when they called me up and gave me a deal that basically made it so the record of the crime wouldn't exist as long as I behaved myself for 2 years (which of course I will.) When I turned around after dealing with all that she was beaming. I leaned over as I walked out of the courtroom and whispered "thank you so much for your kindness and support you will never know how much it meant to me." She said "no thanks needed and I'm glad everything turned out so well for you sweetie." I went and dealt with everything that needed to be done paperwork wise and just marvaled at the wonderful gift I had been given.

On a day with so much potential for bad sucky things...I got a little bit of my grandma. I know the woman wasn't my grandma but I could feel my grandma's presence there.

Reconnecting with friends

Since having children I've become a virtual recluse. I see my family occasionally. I talk with people online and I go out to the stores but all my friends fell by the wayside. It was a combination of moving and really just not caring in the midst of my depression.

I'm having my friend over tonight with her two little girls. We've been friends since elementary school. She introduced me to my husband. We've always been super close and I'm nervous as hell. I'm scared. Seriously.

I know I need friends and that I need a support system but what if we've both changed so much that we're no longer compatible as friends? What if she's totally turned off by my "crazy" stuff.

I hope this goes well because I'm meeting up with another old friend next week and this one is going to blow my confidence if it doesn't go well.

LOL I feel like I'm going on a blind date.

Hair loss? SERIOUSLY????

So I'm on Lamictal which is used for seziures and is also prescribed for bipolar spectrum disorders. Well I started February 1st. About a week or so later I noticed I was shedding more. I've always had SUPER thick hair. It's always been something that people comment on. Hairdressers, doctors, my family anyone who touches it says it's super thick.
So as those who have thick hair know sometimes you shed a lot. It's a normal thing. It's expected. Weather changes, diet changes all kinds of things can cause hair loss. Post pregnancy I lost hair like crazy but it never felt thinner.
Well my damn hair is falling out at an alarming rate. When I brush it, when I wash it, while I'm sleeping, when I'm just freaking standing still. It's just falling out and out and out. When I pull it back it feels thinner. My elastics wrap around my ponytail and extra time.
I looked it up. It's a pretty fraking rare side effect but hey of course it's one that I get. I'm not dizzy, no rashes, nothing you would think is horrible. One of the main reasons I chose this drug to try was to avoid weight gain.
Now I have to decide. Is my mental health worth losing my hair and feeling ugly? I've always loved my hair. LOVED it. I could thin it if I was too hot. It just looked nice and thick and luxurious. My husband loves it and now it's falling out.
The rational answer is if it's working to control my moods and mood swings then YES it's worth losing some hair. Logically I know that is the correct answer.
However as a woman. It's a hard question to look at the logical answer. It's horrible. I doubt I'll go bald but I will most definitely lose hair. Some of it may grow back within a year or so (based on information I've gotten from other people online) or it may never grow back. I could have thin hair forever. Or until I try a different drug therapy.
I'm sure this sounds like a stupid thing to some people to be so bothered by...but damnit it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like less of a woman. It makes me feel a little sick every time I run my hand through my hair and 20 or 30 hairs come out in my hand. The average hair loss per day is about 100 hairs. I know darn well I'm losing a whole heck of a lot more than that.
I guess it's just another step in my journey. Maybe I'll just have to learn to be a woman with less hair. Hey maybe now I can get a perm and have it look right. Or maybe I'll start shaving my head and wearing wigs. Or hey maybe I'll just start covering my head. Who knows.

Intrusive thoughts

I'm scared to death right now. Every time I drive I get the compulsion to unbuckle my seatbelt and slam into a tree. Every time I'm at the top of a flight of stairs I feel like throwing myself down them. I HATE intrusive thoughts. I hate the way they make me feel. I've been in a massive panic for the last few days because they are getting bad.

What is Bipolar II Disorder?

Bipolar II is very similar to bipolar I. The main difference is that while you get the low, lows your highs don't go as high. You don't have a manic episode you have a hypo-manic episode.

My doctor started me on a mood stabilizer to go along with my Effexor. We chose one that doesn't cause weight gain. I'm hoping it works. Not just as a vanity thing but as a health thing.

I'm waiting for it to kick in and praying I don't get the severe skin reaction that 1 in evey 3000 people gets. I'm on Lamictal. Let's see how it works shall we? I've now been on it for 3 days.


http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-2-disorder

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_bp2.htm

http://www.psycheducation.org/

Did I Give it to My Babies?

So on Monday while talking with my psychiatrist he mentioned that Bi Polar is hereditary. I had already been worried about passing along depression and/or anxiety along to my daughters. Now I have this incredible guilt. If I had known I had bi polar would I have had my girls? I love them so much, I love them too much to want them to suffer with this the way I have.



I don't regret having them, but I regret that I am the one that had them, that I may have passed along some mutant genes.



I don't know if I'm making sense. It's something I've been struggling with for a couple days now. I mean I guess I do know what to watch for right? I know to include it in our family history, I know that if my daughters start having problems to take them to a psych dr. rather than a PCP.


I guess it is something I'll have to come to terms with.

I Think My Husband Hates Me

Well yesterday at the psychiatrist I got the official diagnosis. Bi Polar Disorder II.

I think my husband hates me for it. I told him before we got married I had some problems with depression and anxiety and tried to explain. He didn't listen very well. The last 5 years have been me struggling to get him to understand me. It's going to be even worse now. He refuses to look up any information on it. He doesn't want to hear about it. I don't even want to talk to him about the genetics of it because that's all I'll hear about is how I gave something to our daughters.

Taking Another Look at My Diagnosis

I've always had very extreme moods. Very sudden shifts. Storms of tears or being so happy people thought I was a loon. It's always been me. I always thought I was just a freak. In fact that's what people told me I was. A freak, a spaz, hyper, loud, sensitive. Blah I grew up hearing those things.

When I was 18 I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression, something my grandmother had been convinced I had for years. It's not something they'll generally diagnose in a teenager. At least it wasn't back then. Then when I was 20 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in addition to the depression. I tried Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro and a few others. After we tried all those my doctor put me on Effexor XR. It seemed to work pretty well. The massive depressive times were gone, I still had some anxiety but I dealt with it. I could do that. I didn't have kids or a busy life. I did what I wanted when I wanted pretty much as many single people do.

While I was pregnant with my first child my midwife who really had no clue at all about mental illness suggested I see a psychiatrist. She wanted him to oversee my meds during pregnancy. I didn't really understand why I couldn't stay with what I was on but hey whatever I'm not a doctor right?

I went to see him. My God he turned me off psychiatrists for years. That man was disgusting, he peered down my shirt the entire time I was there. He prescribed me Pexiva which is apparently similar to Paxil but not the same. I never went back. I also reported him to TriCare. I was disgusted and felt horrible about the whole situation.

Changing medications was dreadful I don't know if any of you have ever gone off of Effexor. Withdrawl from hell I'm telling you. It lasts for months really and you have to be off that medication to switch to another. It was terrible. The new medication didn't work for crap. You may as well have given me a sugar pill. I prayed for it to work but it didn't.

After pregnancy my PCP told me she wanted me to see a counselor. I wasn't really thrilled and it took me a good 3 months to schedule but I finally did. She was a sweet older woman. I talked with her. We discussed my symptoms etc. She wasn't a doctor so she couldn't officially diagnose but after seeing her for a while she had me take a little test I guess you could call it. It told me that I have a mood disorder. She said the scary words Bi Polar. It freaked me out. I'm not Bi Polar. My drug addicted, drunk uncle is but not me hell no. I saw her a few more times and stopped.

I chugged along on my meds and off my meds.

This fall I went back on them again. They helped with the deep depressions. I felt great for a couple months then the panics started. I went and got Ativan. It sort of helped but not really. So I logged on my trusty computer and started searching.

Turns out there isn't only one type of Bi Polar. There are a few. Bi Polar II sounds just like me. I have low low low lows but my highs aren't manic really. It's more tense. Irritable, anxious, twitchy, mood swingy. Like me.

My PCP is a physicians assistant. Great for general stuff but when I try to talk to him about mental health type things...he's lost you can tell. I don't blame him I mean if it was so easy why would they have an entire field devoted to it? They wouldn't SOOOO I'm going to see a psychiatrist. I'm nervous. I'm afraid to go in there and say look I think this is what's wrong with me. I'm hoping he'll listen and help me.

Rediscovering Makeup and Skincare

Before I was a mommy I was a cosmetic addict.

I loved makeup. I loved trying the new products, lip gloss, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara all of it. I liked trying the new fads, I liked making my face look different. I loved dying my hair, perming it, cutting it, trying new things.

I had many cosmetic bags stuffed with makeup, shoebox size bins filled with hair accessories and all kinds of trendy fun jewelry.

My ears were triple pierced and I took great care to look good.

I liked myself and I liked making myself look good.


Once I had the baby I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped doing my hair (ponytails don't count), hell I stopped washing my face most days if we're going to be perfectly honest.

So here I was 4 years past this and all my stuff was old, drying out and I'm sure breeding stuff. I knew the brands I liked. Clinique, Lancome, Estee Lauder. LOL I couldn't afford those anymore. So I went to Target and started wandering. I had made a few half hearted attempts at jump starting my beauty routine before and had talked to the representative for Boots. So I went and talked to her again.

We tried out foundations, powders, colors, different cleansers, serums etc. She's super sweet and any time I go to Target I stop and chat with her. It took me a while to get my stash built up but I've done it. I can now put on a face lol. It's much more natural than I used to do but I like the way it looks. It evens out my skin tone. I got a few funkier colors for my eyes from the HIP collection from Mabeline I think it is. Not really sure on that one. They've got some fun colors.

Of course I'm sure I'll continue to pick up make up here and there. I don't really have colors for a night look.

So my friends if you need to update try Boots. They have several lines. My favorite is the Botanics line. That's where all my skincare comes from. They also have Botanic Organic, No7 and a line that's even less expensive called Expert Skincare. That stuff is great as well. It's all non scented and formulated for sensitive skin I believe.

You're never fully dressed without a ... BRA!!!

The first purchase that I made for myself was bras. My man sold his WoW (World of Warcraft) account for $400 dollars. Woohoo. He got home and promptly gave me $100 and told me to go buy some bras. I was pretty darn excited. But where should I go? I mean obviously I'm too fat for Victorias Secret and even when I'm not fat I can't wear their itty bitty bras. Tatas like mine LAUGH at cutsy little Victoria's Secret bras. I didn't really want to go to Nordstrom. Yes I have heard that they have fantastic fitters. Wonderful bras. Blah Blah Blah but to be quite honest ... they're kinda snobby in that place and I just wasn't emotionally ready to have someone looking down her nose at me while measuring my fat butt for a new bra.

So where??? I decided to just go over to the mall and look. Then as I was walking up the mall along my usual route it struck me. Lane Bryant.
Lane Bryant??? Fat girls shop there!
Hello chubby you ARE a fat girl!

Oh hehe yeah. So I went in. You know what I figured out? They aren't just for overweight people. They sell bras with a 34 band for crying outloud. Their bras are just good bras in a HUGE variety of sizes.

So I walked in. I started looking around. About half their store is dedicated to bras. I think LB understands that some women only shop for their bras there. After wandering and wandering someone came over to help me. She measured me and told me that I would be a 46 H. I was skeptical. Extremely so. She told me that in sizes like that I could try on the store model and order any color or style I want to be shipped to the store free. Of course I'm standing there having a total panic attack sweating like a pig. I was embarrassed. 46 band wow. I knew I had gained weight but...jeez.

So I took the model bra in and tried it on. Then laughed my butt off. My boobs actually looked small in this thing. I took it off handed it to the clerk and told her I would look for myself. I ended up grabbing a 46 DDD off the rack. Two different styles noting while I did that they had all kinds of fun colors. I was used to white, beige, black and MAYBE light pink as far as bras went.

Took them into the fitting room and was just absolutely thrilled. A bra that actually held my boobs up not only made my tits look good but honestly made my whole torso look better. I picked out two plunge style bras and two balconette and for only 8 dollars over the 100 dollars my loving husband had given me I got my fancy new bras. I also got some kind of woman dollars. You know what I mean the fake money they give you that says hey come spend $50 we'll give you $25 off. So I could go spend $100 and get $50 off. I would ponder that.

Turns out that while plunge bras are super sexy they aren't the best when you're bending over to deal with munchkins every 2 seconds. So two of the bras would have to go back... maybe I could do some shopping while I was there?

It's A Climb

Getting out of the hole I had sunk down into has been a climb. I know I'm not even near the top of it yet but I'm starting to see glimmers of hope.

I've lost 25 -30lbs (depending on the day and time of month it is) since the middle of October. I'm pretty proud of that considering all the food that happens that time of year.

I've updated my wardrobe. I used any and all Christmas money that was to be spent on me, the money my lovely husband gave me from selling his WoW account, money I budgeted out of the household money. Basically any little extra bit of money that I could use.

I didn't do it dishonestly. I talked to my husband. He was all for it. He was tired of seeing me in yoga pants that were falling down around my butt that I had worn through two pregnancies, tank tops with stretched out necklines and torn out hems, bras that were woefully undersupportive for the DDD honkers I've got perched upon my chest.

I mean yeah he still told me how beautiful, sexy and desirable I was to him but he had also started making little hints about what a nice butt I would have if only I wasn't wearing pants that bagged over it. Stuff like that.

The Beginning of a Long Climb

In the middle of October I discovered that Effexor was available in a generic form. Not the extended release but the original that has to be taken a couple times a day. I called and made a doctors apointment that day. The nurse told me that my doctor was on vaction but would I mind seeing a different doctor? Of course not I hate my doctor anyway. The man seemed so hesitant to put me on the medication that I know I need. She told me that they had an open appointment in just 2 days. "Thank you so much" I told her, "I'm really starting to feel desperate."

I went into the appointment. I sat down. I told the doctor this is what I want, this is what I need and this is why. He said okay let's figure out a dosage. It was so easy. So simple. He didn't jerk me around. He didn't hem and haw over it. He just did what I told him I needed.

I went to fill my prescription. I would have to take 2 tabs twice a day so it was 120 pills every month. I was a little afraid to hear how much this was going to cost. $5.00. That was it. Five measly dollars. I could have been happy and healthy for only $5.00 a month had someone only told me the information I needed. I was overjoyed and also a little pissed.

So I started building up to the full dosage. Bam my appetite was normal again. Yes I got hungry but I didn't feel like always eating. Within a month I started feeling like a new woman.

The Descent Continues

So he went, it was hellish. I was pregnant, with a young child. Stressing about getting out of the Navy, moving, finding him a job. Sure I was still on my meds but really life was just overwhelming. The next few months were a blur. He finally got out of the Navy December 26th 2006. His MOS, the one everyone said it would make it so easy to find a new job when he got out? Yeah it really wasn't the best.

I had my second little girl on Febuary 17th 2007. Of course I didn't have any insurance. My DSHS application was still pending. The nurses and doctors treated me like garbage it was great for my self esteem.

My husband finally got a job that started April first. We had like 2 weeks to find a new home. So we found a place in Tacoma, put in for a move and loaded up a few things to stay for a week with no furniture. It actually wasn't too bad, my Dizzy loved running around the wide open spaces of our new apartment...6 weeks after having my second daughter I felt those familiar symptoms. I went into Target with my 17 month old and newborn baby and bought a pregnancy test. Yes I felt like a freak.

I was pregnant. Again. We freaked. My husband asked me to get an abortion. We fought about it, talked about it, cried about it and finally I convinced him I couldn't do it.

The next year went by in a blur of pain and exhaustion and ended in a c-section and a 9lb baby girl. I asked them to tie my tubes when they were in there. They did.

It took me forever to heal from my c-section. I couldn't take it easy like they recommended. I couldn't not drive, or walk up a bunch of stairs or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I had three kids damnit.

Honestly a lot of the last 2 years have blurred by. I had periods where I was deeply depressed and off my meds due to cost. Periods where I was on my meds but still depressed and totally sleep deprived. I was off my meds for just about a year because my insurance raised the price. $50 for a prescription of Effexor XR. I had to have two. So $100 per month. We just couldn't swing it. Of course when I told my dr. that I had to go off due to cost did the moron mention that regular Effexor was now a generic? No of course not. So I went through a long long long period of depression. By the time I finally went into the doctor to demand some help I hated everything, I was 100lbs overweight, I couldn't stand my husband, my kids, my cat, my house I pretty much just couldn't stand my life.

The Descent Part III

It got worse and worse and worse etc. I just kept sliding down hill. I tried to kill myself a few times. My husband finally got me into the doctor. (one of my problems when in a deep depression is massive panic attacks when faced with going to the dr.)

The doctor talked to me and put me on a couple of medications. I started slowly returning to at least a semi normal state. Quite honestly I'm not a hundred percent sure when this was. It was mid spring I believe. I started really getting better just in time for my husband to go back out to sea.

I'm sure he was glad but I'm betting that he was wishing I had been normal while he was home. I mean I warned him while we were dating that I had clinical depression and General Anxiety Disorder. He said he understood. But I'm sure he didn't.

About 2 weeks after my husband left I found out I was pregnant again. It was not good timing. The baby was due 2 months after he was due to be discharged. I told him. He wasn't super happy which meant I wasn't either. He finally got back from patrol at the beginning of August. We were looking forward to coasting through his last few months of service and using all the free time to find him a high paying civilian job.

That wasn't going to happen he got told that he was needed on another boomer. They were short crew members so yay for you shipmate you get to fill in. He had only been home a week and they were sending him back out. We were NOT happy to say the very least.

The Descent Part II

PPD. Post Partum Depression. They warn you that it can happen. They tell you that you should seek help. My husband was gone and I was so terrified that if I told people what I was feeling that they would take my baby from me. So I holed up in my house, other than going out to shop (the one thing I could do without having panic attacks) I stayed home.

I stayed in my house and I played World of Warcraft and I ate. I took care of my baby of course. I spent 6 hours every evening rocking, walking, shushing, applying warming pads, bicycling her legs, rubbing her tummy and more. She screamed bloody murder for SIX HOURS every night. Every.Single.Night.

I researched PPD on the internet. I had most of the symptoms. Intrusive thoughts. I saw myself slashing my wrists and leaving my daughter to a better life without such a failure for a mom. I never saw myself hurting her. Even at the peak of her screaming periods I never wanted to harm her. I wanted so much for her. I wanted her to have an awesome mom and I knew that would never be me. I gained back all the weight I had lost. Plus some.

My husband came back from patrol and was a bit surprised. The house wasn't all neat and spiffy like it had been last time. The baby was dressed up all cute, but I was fat and looked like crap. Sure I had put on my cutest outfit and makeup. Yeah I was really glad he was home but I knew he was disappointed.

The Descent

I'm 28 years old. I had three children right in a row. I had my oldest Dizzy at 24, Bee at 25 and Beffy at 26.

Right before I got pregnant I had just lost 80 lbs. It was honestly the first time in my life I had pride in the way I looked. I wasn't super thin but I looked good. I had a hairstyle I liked, I could afford to buy the products I wanted to make my hair, skin and face look better. I could choose not to eat anything but plain chicken breasts for a week and use my food money to buy hot new panties or jeans.

It was the best time in my life. I had made it to 23 as a virgin and was thinking about possibly at least getting past kissing. I felt like I could get a guy to look at me. I did. I met my husband we dated intensely and 5 months later I was pregant. He was in the Navy and about to ship out for a 3 month patrol so we threw together a wedding and got married. He left 2 days later.

I spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy commuting from Bremerton to Downtown Seattle daily to work. This includes a 20 minute bus trip on the Bremerton side, an hour long ferry trip and a 30 minute bus ride on the Seattle side. Each way. I started gaining weight quicker than I should have due to the ridiculous hours and my enormous appetite.

By the time my husband was back I had already gained 25 lbs. I put on weight quickly. My doctors took me off of the antidepressant I had been on for years and the weight piled on even faster. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm depressed I eat.

A lot.

It makes me feel better. I think by the time I had my daughter I had gained 60 lbs.

My husband left for another patrol a week after I gave birth. In about a month after he left I had taken off about 40 of those pregnancy pounds. I looked squishy but better. That didn't last long.