SO Overweight

I'm sick of being fat. I was becoming less fat but then I started Seroquel and stopped becoming less fat and became quite possibly more fat. I say quite possibly because you couldn't pay me to step on a scale right now. I know I'm fat. I can see myself in the storefront windows as I walk by I'm not blind.

I hate it. I feel ugly and unhealthy.

No matter how futile though I'm still working on it.

I have an allergist appointment on the 30th. I'm kind of excited. For one I'll finally find out what all I'm allergic to. For two (lol I know so grammatically incorrect.) it's a 4 to 5 hour appointment with NO KIDS. Lot's of testing and waiting for results so I'm thinking I can bring a book and relax lol.

The children and I went to the Oregon Coast to visit the parental units. It was alright. They're both so tense over estate stuff that I kind of regretted going. My mom had a talk with me about "going forward" with the girls and having a schedule and a routine...um HELLO!!!! Schedules and routines go out the damn window when on vacation. Why do you think they're being such maniacs. God I have a schedule and a routine. It's not rigid but things get done in a certain order and at just about the same time every day. If someone is sick the routine gets screwed with a bit. I was kind of offended because I remember my childhood. We didn't have anything resembling normalcy till I was about ooooh 8 or 9. My dad was drunk and or high most of the time when I was younger. My mom was high sometimes. I had two younger siblings 3 and 4 years after I was born. My mom admittedly didn't want kids. So she didn't have much fun with us. So she can bite me for that.

Girl number two is having fun potty training finally. I'm doing the padded underwear and plastic pants thing with her. Pull ups are too comfortable.

Uhhhhh yeah I'm sure there is more but it'll give me a reason to write tomorrow.

So I've Totally Slacked on This

Yeah I know. But hey it's been chaos in the extreme.

I'm up to 300 mg of Lamictal. I'm now forgetting things like, words, how to turn on my washing machine, how to fasten a diaper etc. The dr said this isn't a good sign SO tomorrow at our appointment we'll be discussing new medication options.

My hair has fallen out quite a bit. I finally cut it to about an inch short, slowly going from mid-back to shoulder length, to a choppy bob to just getting rid of the damn stuff. We were sick of pulling long hairs out of everything. I've got bald spots but I think when I quit the Lamictal those will grow back in the loss will stop and my hair will grow.

The youngest and I had a hospital stay each. Both infinantly complicated and ridiculous.

I've finally gotten motivated to start crafting. I think I'm getting pretty good at what I've decided to do and may even try to sell it. Maybe it will make me feel more useful.

My husband asked the other day what I've been thinking about and what's been going on with me...I realized that I really had nothing to say. I mean my days are filled with dealing with stuff for him, making meals, doing chores, taking care of the kids and maybe screwing around on Facebook for a while.

Oh the doctor decided to switch me from Ativan which wasn't working for crap and gave me Xanax....OMG it's the wonder drug. I'm on 1mg 2 times a day. My sister informed me that it's quite a high dosage. I didn't realize that lol.

I'll have to post up some pictures of my craftiness pretty soon. We'll see how they turn out.

My only disappointment is that I'm running out of fabric scraps.

Hair loss? SERIOUSLY????

So I'm on Lamictal which is used for seziures and is also prescribed for bipolar spectrum disorders. Well I started February 1st. About a week or so later I noticed I was shedding more. I've always had SUPER thick hair. It's always been something that people comment on. Hairdressers, doctors, my family anyone who touches it says it's super thick.
So as those who have thick hair know sometimes you shed a lot. It's a normal thing. It's expected. Weather changes, diet changes all kinds of things can cause hair loss. Post pregnancy I lost hair like crazy but it never felt thinner.
Well my damn hair is falling out at an alarming rate. When I brush it, when I wash it, while I'm sleeping, when I'm just freaking standing still. It's just falling out and out and out. When I pull it back it feels thinner. My elastics wrap around my ponytail and extra time.
I looked it up. It's a pretty fraking rare side effect but hey of course it's one that I get. I'm not dizzy, no rashes, nothing you would think is horrible. One of the main reasons I chose this drug to try was to avoid weight gain.
Now I have to decide. Is my mental health worth losing my hair and feeling ugly? I've always loved my hair. LOVED it. I could thin it if I was too hot. It just looked nice and thick and luxurious. My husband loves it and now it's falling out.
The rational answer is if it's working to control my moods and mood swings then YES it's worth losing some hair. Logically I know that is the correct answer.
However as a woman. It's a hard question to look at the logical answer. It's horrible. I doubt I'll go bald but I will most definitely lose hair. Some of it may grow back within a year or so (based on information I've gotten from other people online) or it may never grow back. I could have thin hair forever. Or until I try a different drug therapy.
I'm sure this sounds like a stupid thing to some people to be so bothered by...but damnit it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like less of a woman. It makes me feel a little sick every time I run my hand through my hair and 20 or 30 hairs come out in my hand. The average hair loss per day is about 100 hairs. I know darn well I'm losing a whole heck of a lot more than that.
I guess it's just another step in my journey. Maybe I'll just have to learn to be a woman with less hair. Hey maybe now I can get a perm and have it look right. Or maybe I'll start shaving my head and wearing wigs. Or hey maybe I'll just start covering my head. Who knows.

Sickness, Resting and Meds

Last Monday my parents picked up my two oldest daughters for just about a week. They took them down to the Oregon Coast where they live and it was just Husband and the youngest home with me.

Of course the day after they left I woke up with a head and chest full of snot. I was sick pretty much the whole time as was little bean. She got something different than I did though, she had GI issues like crazy. We both spent a lot of time sleeping.

However I got to go out. ALONE. Every day by myself. Husband was glad for me lol.

Last Saturday my parents brought the girls home and we did a joint birthday party for my mom, my middle daughter and husband. It was great. My aunt and cousin came. Everyone loved their gifts. I went a little crazy I'll admit. I spoiled my mom like crazy. She's had a hard year and with the family issues she's been having I wanted to make her day special.

My medication is working. I can think more clearly. I have motivation. Less panic attacks. I still need my Ativan at times but not every day. I also don't need my sleeping pills to sleep. YAY.

Oh and our new matress is awesome. We got a memory foam mattress and topper. I will NEVER buy a regular matress again. EVER.

I've been trying so hard not to shop too much. It makes me feel so good though. To get things and look at them and use them. Sigh. It's going to be a battle. But I'm doing better. I need to find a different coping technique.

On Saturday the 20th husband and I will have been married for 5 years. I can hardly believe it. FIVE years we made it. He's put up with so much from me. I've put up with a lot from him too. I think we may make it for the long haul.

I'm still losing weight. Hubs said when asked to be honest that I looked less wide lol. I did get this really weird band of fat around my middle. So I can understand that. I feel like I look better in my clothes and I can move a little easier. I love it.

I feel like I'm really on the road to regaining myself. I've decided to apply for classes this spring. I got my FAFSA filled out and approved. I think I'm going to start out very very easy.

Intrusive thoughts

I'm scared to death right now. Every time I drive I get the compulsion to unbuckle my seatbelt and slam into a tree. Every time I'm at the top of a flight of stairs I feel like throwing myself down them. I HATE intrusive thoughts. I hate the way they make me feel. I've been in a massive panic for the last few days because they are getting bad.

What is Bipolar II Disorder?

Bipolar II is very similar to bipolar I. The main difference is that while you get the low, lows your highs don't go as high. You don't have a manic episode you have a hypo-manic episode.

My doctor started me on a mood stabilizer to go along with my Effexor. We chose one that doesn't cause weight gain. I'm hoping it works. Not just as a vanity thing but as a health thing.

I'm waiting for it to kick in and praying I don't get the severe skin reaction that 1 in evey 3000 people gets. I'm on Lamictal. Let's see how it works shall we? I've now been on it for 3 days.


http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-2-disorder

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_bp2.htm

http://www.psycheducation.org/

Did I Give it to My Babies?

So on Monday while talking with my psychiatrist he mentioned that Bi Polar is hereditary. I had already been worried about passing along depression and/or anxiety along to my daughters. Now I have this incredible guilt. If I had known I had bi polar would I have had my girls? I love them so much, I love them too much to want them to suffer with this the way I have.



I don't regret having them, but I regret that I am the one that had them, that I may have passed along some mutant genes.



I don't know if I'm making sense. It's something I've been struggling with for a couple days now. I mean I guess I do know what to watch for right? I know to include it in our family history, I know that if my daughters start having problems to take them to a psych dr. rather than a PCP.


I guess it is something I'll have to come to terms with.

I Think My Husband Hates Me

Well yesterday at the psychiatrist I got the official diagnosis. Bi Polar Disorder II.

I think my husband hates me for it. I told him before we got married I had some problems with depression and anxiety and tried to explain. He didn't listen very well. The last 5 years have been me struggling to get him to understand me. It's going to be even worse now. He refuses to look up any information on it. He doesn't want to hear about it. I don't even want to talk to him about the genetics of it because that's all I'll hear about is how I gave something to our daughters.

Taking Another Look at My Diagnosis

I've always had very extreme moods. Very sudden shifts. Storms of tears or being so happy people thought I was a loon. It's always been me. I always thought I was just a freak. In fact that's what people told me I was. A freak, a spaz, hyper, loud, sensitive. Blah I grew up hearing those things.

When I was 18 I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression, something my grandmother had been convinced I had for years. It's not something they'll generally diagnose in a teenager. At least it wasn't back then. Then when I was 20 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in addition to the depression. I tried Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro and a few others. After we tried all those my doctor put me on Effexor XR. It seemed to work pretty well. The massive depressive times were gone, I still had some anxiety but I dealt with it. I could do that. I didn't have kids or a busy life. I did what I wanted when I wanted pretty much as many single people do.

While I was pregnant with my first child my midwife who really had no clue at all about mental illness suggested I see a psychiatrist. She wanted him to oversee my meds during pregnancy. I didn't really understand why I couldn't stay with what I was on but hey whatever I'm not a doctor right?

I went to see him. My God he turned me off psychiatrists for years. That man was disgusting, he peered down my shirt the entire time I was there. He prescribed me Pexiva which is apparently similar to Paxil but not the same. I never went back. I also reported him to TriCare. I was disgusted and felt horrible about the whole situation.

Changing medications was dreadful I don't know if any of you have ever gone off of Effexor. Withdrawl from hell I'm telling you. It lasts for months really and you have to be off that medication to switch to another. It was terrible. The new medication didn't work for crap. You may as well have given me a sugar pill. I prayed for it to work but it didn't.

After pregnancy my PCP told me she wanted me to see a counselor. I wasn't really thrilled and it took me a good 3 months to schedule but I finally did. She was a sweet older woman. I talked with her. We discussed my symptoms etc. She wasn't a doctor so she couldn't officially diagnose but after seeing her for a while she had me take a little test I guess you could call it. It told me that I have a mood disorder. She said the scary words Bi Polar. It freaked me out. I'm not Bi Polar. My drug addicted, drunk uncle is but not me hell no. I saw her a few more times and stopped.

I chugged along on my meds and off my meds.

This fall I went back on them again. They helped with the deep depressions. I felt great for a couple months then the panics started. I went and got Ativan. It sort of helped but not really. So I logged on my trusty computer and started searching.

Turns out there isn't only one type of Bi Polar. There are a few. Bi Polar II sounds just like me. I have low low low lows but my highs aren't manic really. It's more tense. Irritable, anxious, twitchy, mood swingy. Like me.

My PCP is a physicians assistant. Great for general stuff but when I try to talk to him about mental health type things...he's lost you can tell. I don't blame him I mean if it was so easy why would they have an entire field devoted to it? They wouldn't SOOOO I'm going to see a psychiatrist. I'm nervous. I'm afraid to go in there and say look I think this is what's wrong with me. I'm hoping he'll listen and help me.

Rediscovering Makeup and Skincare

Before I was a mommy I was a cosmetic addict.

I loved makeup. I loved trying the new products, lip gloss, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara all of it. I liked trying the new fads, I liked making my face look different. I loved dying my hair, perming it, cutting it, trying new things.

I had many cosmetic bags stuffed with makeup, shoebox size bins filled with hair accessories and all kinds of trendy fun jewelry.

My ears were triple pierced and I took great care to look good.

I liked myself and I liked making myself look good.


Once I had the baby I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped doing my hair (ponytails don't count), hell I stopped washing my face most days if we're going to be perfectly honest.

So here I was 4 years past this and all my stuff was old, drying out and I'm sure breeding stuff. I knew the brands I liked. Clinique, Lancome, Estee Lauder. LOL I couldn't afford those anymore. So I went to Target and started wandering. I had made a few half hearted attempts at jump starting my beauty routine before and had talked to the representative for Boots. So I went and talked to her again.

We tried out foundations, powders, colors, different cleansers, serums etc. She's super sweet and any time I go to Target I stop and chat with her. It took me a while to get my stash built up but I've done it. I can now put on a face lol. It's much more natural than I used to do but I like the way it looks. It evens out my skin tone. I got a few funkier colors for my eyes from the HIP collection from Mabeline I think it is. Not really sure on that one. They've got some fun colors.

Of course I'm sure I'll continue to pick up make up here and there. I don't really have colors for a night look.

So my friends if you need to update try Boots. They have several lines. My favorite is the Botanics line. That's where all my skincare comes from. They also have Botanic Organic, No7 and a line that's even less expensive called Expert Skincare. That stuff is great as well. It's all non scented and formulated for sensitive skin I believe.

What Depression is NOT.

Depression is not just something one can snap out of.
Depression is not just a bad attitude.
Depression is not someone just being lazy.
Depression is not someone just "feeling a little sad."
Depression is not hypochondria.
Depression is not fake.
Depression is not imagined.

Let me tell you what depression means for me. I'll then tell you what some medical type people say it is.

Depression to me means I'm exhausted. All the time. No matter how much sleep I did or did not get. It means I almost always have that achey flu feel. My joints are always sore. It means I lay down at night to sleep and take 3 hours to fall asleep because my head cannot stop hashing out things that could go wrong over and over and over again. It means loving my children but not wanting to spend any time with them. Doing things for them but not enjoying them. It means sex with my husband becomes an un enjoyable experience that I just do out of duty. It means mood swings, rage, sobbing, anxiety attacks and on and on.

It's not the same for everyone. But I can tell you this much. It's not fun for anyone.

The Mayo Clinic Defines "Depression"
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175

Depression Symptoms:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=symptoms

Different types of depression and other mental illnesses that can seem like depression:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=tests-and-diagnosis

Depression Self Assessment:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/MH00103_D