I've always had very extreme moods. Very sudden shifts. Storms of tears or being so happy people thought I was a loon. It's always been me. I always thought I was just a freak. In fact that's what people told me I was. A freak, a spaz, hyper, loud, sensitive. Blah I grew up hearing those things.
When I was 18 I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression, something my grandmother had been convinced I had for years. It's not something they'll generally diagnose in a teenager. At least it wasn't back then. Then when I was 20 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in addition to the depression. I tried Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro and a few others. After we tried all those my doctor put me on Effexor XR. It seemed to work pretty well. The massive depressive times were gone, I still had some anxiety but I dealt with it. I could do that. I didn't have kids or a busy life. I did what I wanted when I wanted pretty much as many single people do.
While I was pregnant with my first child my midwife who really had no clue at all about mental illness suggested I see a psychiatrist. She wanted him to oversee my meds during pregnancy. I didn't really understand why I couldn't stay with what I was on but hey whatever I'm not a doctor right?
I went to see him. My God he turned me off psychiatrists for years. That man was disgusting, he peered down my shirt the entire time I was there. He prescribed me Pexiva which is apparently similar to Paxil but not the same. I never went back. I also reported him to TriCare. I was disgusted and felt horrible about the whole situation.
Changing medications was dreadful I don't know if any of you have ever gone off of Effexor. Withdrawl from hell I'm telling you. It lasts for months really and you have to be off that medication to switch to another. It was terrible. The new medication didn't work for crap. You may as well have given me a sugar pill. I prayed for it to work but it didn't.
After pregnancy my PCP told me she wanted me to see a counselor. I wasn't really thrilled and it took me a good 3 months to schedule but I finally did. She was a sweet older woman. I talked with her. We discussed my symptoms etc. She wasn't a doctor so she couldn't officially diagnose but after seeing her for a while she had me take a little test I guess you could call it. It told me that I have a mood disorder. She said the scary words Bi Polar. It freaked me out. I'm not Bi Polar. My drug addicted, drunk uncle is but not me hell no. I saw her a few more times and stopped.
I chugged along on my meds and off my meds.
This fall I went back on them again. They helped with the deep depressions. I felt great for a couple months then the panics started. I went and got Ativan. It sort of helped but not really. So I logged on my trusty computer and started searching.
Turns out there isn't only one type of Bi Polar. There are a few. Bi Polar II sounds just like me. I have low low low lows but my highs aren't manic really. It's more tense. Irritable, anxious, twitchy, mood swingy. Like me.
My PCP is a physicians assistant. Great for general stuff but when I try to talk to him about mental health type things...he's lost you can tell. I don't blame him I mean if it was so easy why would they have an entire field devoted to it? They wouldn't SOOOO I'm going to see a psychiatrist. I'm nervous. I'm afraid to go in there and say look I think this is what's wrong with me. I'm hoping he'll listen and help me.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Rediscovering Makeup and Skincare
Before I was a mommy I was a cosmetic addict.
I loved makeup. I loved trying the new products, lip gloss, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara all of it. I liked trying the new fads, I liked making my face look different. I loved dying my hair, perming it, cutting it, trying new things.
I had many cosmetic bags stuffed with makeup, shoebox size bins filled with hair accessories and all kinds of trendy fun jewelry.
My ears were triple pierced and I took great care to look good.
I liked myself and I liked making myself look good.
Once I had the baby I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped doing my hair (ponytails don't count), hell I stopped washing my face most days if we're going to be perfectly honest.
So here I was 4 years past this and all my stuff was old, drying out and I'm sure breeding stuff. I knew the brands I liked. Clinique, Lancome, Estee Lauder. LOL I couldn't afford those anymore. So I went to Target and started wandering. I had made a few half hearted attempts at jump starting my beauty routine before and had talked to the representative for Boots. So I went and talked to her again.
We tried out foundations, powders, colors, different cleansers, serums etc. She's super sweet and any time I go to Target I stop and chat with her. It took me a while to get my stash built up but I've done it. I can now put on a face lol. It's much more natural than I used to do but I like the way it looks. It evens out my skin tone. I got a few funkier colors for my eyes from the HIP collection from Mabeline I think it is. Not really sure on that one. They've got some fun colors.
Of course I'm sure I'll continue to pick up make up here and there. I don't really have colors for a night look.
So my friends if you need to update try Boots. They have several lines. My favorite is the Botanics line. That's where all my skincare comes from. They also have Botanic Organic, No7 and a line that's even less expensive called Expert Skincare. That stuff is great as well. It's all non scented and formulated for sensitive skin I believe.
I loved makeup. I loved trying the new products, lip gloss, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara all of it. I liked trying the new fads, I liked making my face look different. I loved dying my hair, perming it, cutting it, trying new things.
I had many cosmetic bags stuffed with makeup, shoebox size bins filled with hair accessories and all kinds of trendy fun jewelry.
My ears were triple pierced and I took great care to look good.
I liked myself and I liked making myself look good.
Once I had the baby I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped doing my hair (ponytails don't count), hell I stopped washing my face most days if we're going to be perfectly honest.
So here I was 4 years past this and all my stuff was old, drying out and I'm sure breeding stuff. I knew the brands I liked. Clinique, Lancome, Estee Lauder. LOL I couldn't afford those anymore. So I went to Target and started wandering. I had made a few half hearted attempts at jump starting my beauty routine before and had talked to the representative for Boots. So I went and talked to her again.
We tried out foundations, powders, colors, different cleansers, serums etc. She's super sweet and any time I go to Target I stop and chat with her. It took me a while to get my stash built up but I've done it. I can now put on a face lol. It's much more natural than I used to do but I like the way it looks. It evens out my skin tone. I got a few funkier colors for my eyes from the HIP collection from Mabeline I think it is. Not really sure on that one. They've got some fun colors.
Of course I'm sure I'll continue to pick up make up here and there. I don't really have colors for a night look.
So my friends if you need to update try Boots. They have several lines. My favorite is the Botanics line. That's where all my skincare comes from. They also have Botanic Organic, No7 and a line that's even less expensive called Expert Skincare. That stuff is great as well. It's all non scented and formulated for sensitive skin I believe.
Doing Things for Myself
It's so hard to get into the habit of spending time on yourself again. It's hard to get back into the habit of spending money on yourself. When you become a mom you want to do all these things for the precious little creations that you made. You want to give them everything. You become wrapped up in being the "best mom ever." It's easy to forget you're not just a mom. You're a wife. You're a lover. You're YOU.
I found it easier to spend money on new clothes if I found deals. I mean I could feel good about buying new clothes if I could get 15 pieces for 45 bucks. So I scoured clearance racks at Lane Bryant and the clearance section online at Old Navy. I bought all my shirts new but for new pants I went to Goodwill. I found lots of pants. Seriously like 5 pairs of slacks and 2 pairs of jeans for 30 bucks. They all looked like new. My theory for this is us overweight women don't like going into the store and trying things on, so we'll go in and grab things we think will fit. We then take them home and if they're too big or too small we're too ashamed usually (especially if they're too small) to take them back to the store. So we'll suffer through wearing them two or three times. With the waist band cutting into our flesh or hiking them up all damn day long. They then get pushed to the back of the closet and dug out and donated. Practically new.
Right after Christmas we sold a piece of electronics that was wasting space and my husband told me to take half the money and get whatever I wanted. I went over to Lane Bryant and OMG they had their bras buy two get two for free so of course I got some more bras. I had never had more than 2 or 3 bras that kinda fit at one time. So now I had 8, they were pretty colors, two were lace and they all fit and made me feel beautiful. Oh and I got to go down a band size yay me.
I found it easier to spend money on new clothes if I found deals. I mean I could feel good about buying new clothes if I could get 15 pieces for 45 bucks. So I scoured clearance racks at Lane Bryant and the clearance section online at Old Navy. I bought all my shirts new but for new pants I went to Goodwill. I found lots of pants. Seriously like 5 pairs of slacks and 2 pairs of jeans for 30 bucks. They all looked like new. My theory for this is us overweight women don't like going into the store and trying things on, so we'll go in and grab things we think will fit. We then take them home and if they're too big or too small we're too ashamed usually (especially if they're too small) to take them back to the store. So we'll suffer through wearing them two or three times. With the waist band cutting into our flesh or hiking them up all damn day long. They then get pushed to the back of the closet and dug out and donated. Practically new.
Right after Christmas we sold a piece of electronics that was wasting space and my husband told me to take half the money and get whatever I wanted. I went over to Lane Bryant and OMG they had their bras buy two get two for free so of course I got some more bras. I had never had more than 2 or 3 bras that kinda fit at one time. So now I had 8, they were pretty colors, two were lace and they all fit and made me feel beautiful. Oh and I got to go down a band size yay me.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
What Depression is NOT.
Depression is not just something one can snap out of.
Depression is not just a bad attitude.
Depression is not someone just being lazy.
Depression is not someone just "feeling a little sad."
Depression is not hypochondria.
Depression is not fake.
Depression is not imagined.
Let me tell you what depression means for me. I'll then tell you what some medical type people say it is.
Depression to me means I'm exhausted. All the time. No matter how much sleep I did or did not get. It means I almost always have that achey flu feel. My joints are always sore. It means I lay down at night to sleep and take 3 hours to fall asleep because my head cannot stop hashing out things that could go wrong over and over and over again. It means loving my children but not wanting to spend any time with them. Doing things for them but not enjoying them. It means sex with my husband becomes an un enjoyable experience that I just do out of duty. It means mood swings, rage, sobbing, anxiety attacks and on and on.
It's not the same for everyone. But I can tell you this much. It's not fun for anyone.
The Mayo Clinic Defines "Depression"
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175
Depression Symptoms:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=symptoms
Different types of depression and other mental illnesses that can seem like depression:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=tests-and-diagnosis
Depression Self Assessment:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/MH00103_D
Depression is not just a bad attitude.
Depression is not someone just being lazy.
Depression is not someone just "feeling a little sad."
Depression is not hypochondria.
Depression is not fake.
Depression is not imagined.
Let me tell you what depression means for me. I'll then tell you what some medical type people say it is.
Depression to me means I'm exhausted. All the time. No matter how much sleep I did or did not get. It means I almost always have that achey flu feel. My joints are always sore. It means I lay down at night to sleep and take 3 hours to fall asleep because my head cannot stop hashing out things that could go wrong over and over and over again. It means loving my children but not wanting to spend any time with them. Doing things for them but not enjoying them. It means sex with my husband becomes an un enjoyable experience that I just do out of duty. It means mood swings, rage, sobbing, anxiety attacks and on and on.
It's not the same for everyone. But I can tell you this much. It's not fun for anyone.
The Mayo Clinic Defines "Depression"
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175
Depression Symptoms:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=symptoms
Different types of depression and other mental illnesses that can seem like depression:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=tests-and-diagnosis
Depression Self Assessment:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/MH00103_D
Monday, January 18, 2010
You're never fully dressed without a ... BRA!!!
The first purchase that I made for myself was bras. My man sold his WoW (World of Warcraft) account for $400 dollars. Woohoo. He got home and promptly gave me $100 and told me to go buy some bras. I was pretty darn excited. But where should I go? I mean obviously I'm too fat for Victorias Secret and even when I'm not fat I can't wear their itty bitty bras. Tatas like mine LAUGH at cutsy little Victoria's Secret bras. I didn't really want to go to Nordstrom. Yes I have heard that they have fantastic fitters. Wonderful bras. Blah Blah Blah but to be quite honest ... they're kinda snobby in that place and I just wasn't emotionally ready to have someone looking down her nose at me while measuring my fat butt for a new bra.
So where??? I decided to just go over to the mall and look. Then as I was walking up the mall along my usual route it struck me. Lane Bryant.
Lane Bryant??? Fat girls shop there!
Hello chubby you ARE a fat girl!
Oh hehe yeah. So I went in. You know what I figured out? They aren't just for overweight people. They sell bras with a 34 band for crying outloud. Their bras are just good bras in a HUGE variety of sizes.
So I walked in. I started looking around. About half their store is dedicated to bras. I think LB understands that some women only shop for their bras there. After wandering and wandering someone came over to help me. She measured me and told me that I would be a 46 H. I was skeptical. Extremely so. She told me that in sizes like that I could try on the store model and order any color or style I want to be shipped to the store free. Of course I'm standing there having a total panic attack sweating like a pig. I was embarrassed. 46 band wow. I knew I had gained weight but...jeez.
So I took the model bra in and tried it on. Then laughed my butt off. My boobs actually looked small in this thing. I took it off handed it to the clerk and told her I would look for myself. I ended up grabbing a 46 DDD off the rack. Two different styles noting while I did that they had all kinds of fun colors. I was used to white, beige, black and MAYBE light pink as far as bras went.
Took them into the fitting room and was just absolutely thrilled. A bra that actually held my boobs up not only made my tits look good but honestly made my whole torso look better. I picked out two plunge style bras and two balconette and for only 8 dollars over the 100 dollars my loving husband had given me I got my fancy new bras. I also got some kind of woman dollars. You know what I mean the fake money they give you that says hey come spend $50 we'll give you $25 off. So I could go spend $100 and get $50 off. I would ponder that.
Turns out that while plunge bras are super sexy they aren't the best when you're bending over to deal with munchkins every 2 seconds. So two of the bras would have to go back... maybe I could do some shopping while I was there?
So where??? I decided to just go over to the mall and look. Then as I was walking up the mall along my usual route it struck me. Lane Bryant.
Lane Bryant??? Fat girls shop there!
Hello chubby you ARE a fat girl!
Oh hehe yeah. So I went in. You know what I figured out? They aren't just for overweight people. They sell bras with a 34 band for crying outloud. Their bras are just good bras in a HUGE variety of sizes.
So I walked in. I started looking around. About half their store is dedicated to bras. I think LB understands that some women only shop for their bras there. After wandering and wandering someone came over to help me. She measured me and told me that I would be a 46 H. I was skeptical. Extremely so. She told me that in sizes like that I could try on the store model and order any color or style I want to be shipped to the store free. Of course I'm standing there having a total panic attack sweating like a pig. I was embarrassed. 46 band wow. I knew I had gained weight but...jeez.
So I took the model bra in and tried it on. Then laughed my butt off. My boobs actually looked small in this thing. I took it off handed it to the clerk and told her I would look for myself. I ended up grabbing a 46 DDD off the rack. Two different styles noting while I did that they had all kinds of fun colors. I was used to white, beige, black and MAYBE light pink as far as bras went.
Took them into the fitting room and was just absolutely thrilled. A bra that actually held my boobs up not only made my tits look good but honestly made my whole torso look better. I picked out two plunge style bras and two balconette and for only 8 dollars over the 100 dollars my loving husband had given me I got my fancy new bras. I also got some kind of woman dollars. You know what I mean the fake money they give you that says hey come spend $50 we'll give you $25 off. So I could go spend $100 and get $50 off. I would ponder that.
Turns out that while plunge bras are super sexy they aren't the best when you're bending over to deal with munchkins every 2 seconds. So two of the bras would have to go back... maybe I could do some shopping while I was there?
It's A Climb
Getting out of the hole I had sunk down into has been a climb. I know I'm not even near the top of it yet but I'm starting to see glimmers of hope.
I've lost 25 -30lbs (depending on the day and time of month it is) since the middle of October. I'm pretty proud of that considering all the food that happens that time of year.
I've updated my wardrobe. I used any and all Christmas money that was to be spent on me, the money my lovely husband gave me from selling his WoW account, money I budgeted out of the household money. Basically any little extra bit of money that I could use.
I didn't do it dishonestly. I talked to my husband. He was all for it. He was tired of seeing me in yoga pants that were falling down around my butt that I had worn through two pregnancies, tank tops with stretched out necklines and torn out hems, bras that were woefully undersupportive for the DDD honkers I've got perched upon my chest.
I mean yeah he still told me how beautiful, sexy and desirable I was to him but he had also started making little hints about what a nice butt I would have if only I wasn't wearing pants that bagged over it. Stuff like that.
I've lost 25 -30lbs (depending on the day and time of month it is) since the middle of October. I'm pretty proud of that considering all the food that happens that time of year.
I've updated my wardrobe. I used any and all Christmas money that was to be spent on me, the money my lovely husband gave me from selling his WoW account, money I budgeted out of the household money. Basically any little extra bit of money that I could use.
I didn't do it dishonestly. I talked to my husband. He was all for it. He was tired of seeing me in yoga pants that were falling down around my butt that I had worn through two pregnancies, tank tops with stretched out necklines and torn out hems, bras that were woefully undersupportive for the DDD honkers I've got perched upon my chest.
I mean yeah he still told me how beautiful, sexy and desirable I was to him but he had also started making little hints about what a nice butt I would have if only I wasn't wearing pants that bagged over it. Stuff like that.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The Beginning of a Long Climb
In the middle of October I discovered that Effexor was available in a generic form. Not the extended release but the original that has to be taken a couple times a day. I called and made a doctors apointment that day. The nurse told me that my doctor was on vaction but would I mind seeing a different doctor? Of course not I hate my doctor anyway. The man seemed so hesitant to put me on the medication that I know I need. She told me that they had an open appointment in just 2 days. "Thank you so much" I told her, "I'm really starting to feel desperate."
I went into the appointment. I sat down. I told the doctor this is what I want, this is what I need and this is why. He said okay let's figure out a dosage. It was so easy. So simple. He didn't jerk me around. He didn't hem and haw over it. He just did what I told him I needed.
I went to fill my prescription. I would have to take 2 tabs twice a day so it was 120 pills every month. I was a little afraid to hear how much this was going to cost. $5.00. That was it. Five measly dollars. I could have been happy and healthy for only $5.00 a month had someone only told me the information I needed. I was overjoyed and also a little pissed.
So I started building up to the full dosage. Bam my appetite was normal again. Yes I got hungry but I didn't feel like always eating. Within a month I started feeling like a new woman.
I went into the appointment. I sat down. I told the doctor this is what I want, this is what I need and this is why. He said okay let's figure out a dosage. It was so easy. So simple. He didn't jerk me around. He didn't hem and haw over it. He just did what I told him I needed.
I went to fill my prescription. I would have to take 2 tabs twice a day so it was 120 pills every month. I was a little afraid to hear how much this was going to cost. $5.00. That was it. Five measly dollars. I could have been happy and healthy for only $5.00 a month had someone only told me the information I needed. I was overjoyed and also a little pissed.
So I started building up to the full dosage. Bam my appetite was normal again. Yes I got hungry but I didn't feel like always eating. Within a month I started feeling like a new woman.
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