Rediscovering Makeup and Skincare

Before I was a mommy I was a cosmetic addict.

I loved makeup. I loved trying the new products, lip gloss, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara all of it. I liked trying the new fads, I liked making my face look different. I loved dying my hair, perming it, cutting it, trying new things.

I had many cosmetic bags stuffed with makeup, shoebox size bins filled with hair accessories and all kinds of trendy fun jewelry.

My ears were triple pierced and I took great care to look good.

I liked myself and I liked making myself look good.


Once I had the baby I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped doing my hair (ponytails don't count), hell I stopped washing my face most days if we're going to be perfectly honest.

So here I was 4 years past this and all my stuff was old, drying out and I'm sure breeding stuff. I knew the brands I liked. Clinique, Lancome, Estee Lauder. LOL I couldn't afford those anymore. So I went to Target and started wandering. I had made a few half hearted attempts at jump starting my beauty routine before and had talked to the representative for Boots. So I went and talked to her again.

We tried out foundations, powders, colors, different cleansers, serums etc. She's super sweet and any time I go to Target I stop and chat with her. It took me a while to get my stash built up but I've done it. I can now put on a face lol. It's much more natural than I used to do but I like the way it looks. It evens out my skin tone. I got a few funkier colors for my eyes from the HIP collection from Mabeline I think it is. Not really sure on that one. They've got some fun colors.

Of course I'm sure I'll continue to pick up make up here and there. I don't really have colors for a night look.

So my friends if you need to update try Boots. They have several lines. My favorite is the Botanics line. That's where all my skincare comes from. They also have Botanic Organic, No7 and a line that's even less expensive called Expert Skincare. That stuff is great as well. It's all non scented and formulated for sensitive skin I believe.

The Beginning of a Long Climb

In the middle of October I discovered that Effexor was available in a generic form. Not the extended release but the original that has to be taken a couple times a day. I called and made a doctors apointment that day. The nurse told me that my doctor was on vaction but would I mind seeing a different doctor? Of course not I hate my doctor anyway. The man seemed so hesitant to put me on the medication that I know I need. She told me that they had an open appointment in just 2 days. "Thank you so much" I told her, "I'm really starting to feel desperate."

I went into the appointment. I sat down. I told the doctor this is what I want, this is what I need and this is why. He said okay let's figure out a dosage. It was so easy. So simple. He didn't jerk me around. He didn't hem and haw over it. He just did what I told him I needed.

I went to fill my prescription. I would have to take 2 tabs twice a day so it was 120 pills every month. I was a little afraid to hear how much this was going to cost. $5.00. That was it. Five measly dollars. I could have been happy and healthy for only $5.00 a month had someone only told me the information I needed. I was overjoyed and also a little pissed.

So I started building up to the full dosage. Bam my appetite was normal again. Yes I got hungry but I didn't feel like always eating. Within a month I started feeling like a new woman.

The Descent Continues

So he went, it was hellish. I was pregnant, with a young child. Stressing about getting out of the Navy, moving, finding him a job. Sure I was still on my meds but really life was just overwhelming. The next few months were a blur. He finally got out of the Navy December 26th 2006. His MOS, the one everyone said it would make it so easy to find a new job when he got out? Yeah it really wasn't the best.

I had my second little girl on Febuary 17th 2007. Of course I didn't have any insurance. My DSHS application was still pending. The nurses and doctors treated me like garbage it was great for my self esteem.

My husband finally got a job that started April first. We had like 2 weeks to find a new home. So we found a place in Tacoma, put in for a move and loaded up a few things to stay for a week with no furniture. It actually wasn't too bad, my Dizzy loved running around the wide open spaces of our new apartment...6 weeks after having my second daughter I felt those familiar symptoms. I went into Target with my 17 month old and newborn baby and bought a pregnancy test. Yes I felt like a freak.

I was pregnant. Again. We freaked. My husband asked me to get an abortion. We fought about it, talked about it, cried about it and finally I convinced him I couldn't do it.

The next year went by in a blur of pain and exhaustion and ended in a c-section and a 9lb baby girl. I asked them to tie my tubes when they were in there. They did.

It took me forever to heal from my c-section. I couldn't take it easy like they recommended. I couldn't not drive, or walk up a bunch of stairs or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I had three kids damnit.

Honestly a lot of the last 2 years have blurred by. I had periods where I was deeply depressed and off my meds due to cost. Periods where I was on my meds but still depressed and totally sleep deprived. I was off my meds for just about a year because my insurance raised the price. $50 for a prescription of Effexor XR. I had to have two. So $100 per month. We just couldn't swing it. Of course when I told my dr. that I had to go off due to cost did the moron mention that regular Effexor was now a generic? No of course not. So I went through a long long long period of depression. By the time I finally went into the doctor to demand some help I hated everything, I was 100lbs overweight, I couldn't stand my husband, my kids, my cat, my house I pretty much just couldn't stand my life.

The Descent Part III

It got worse and worse and worse etc. I just kept sliding down hill. I tried to kill myself a few times. My husband finally got me into the doctor. (one of my problems when in a deep depression is massive panic attacks when faced with going to the dr.)

The doctor talked to me and put me on a couple of medications. I started slowly returning to at least a semi normal state. Quite honestly I'm not a hundred percent sure when this was. It was mid spring I believe. I started really getting better just in time for my husband to go back out to sea.

I'm sure he was glad but I'm betting that he was wishing I had been normal while he was home. I mean I warned him while we were dating that I had clinical depression and General Anxiety Disorder. He said he understood. But I'm sure he didn't.

About 2 weeks after my husband left I found out I was pregnant again. It was not good timing. The baby was due 2 months after he was due to be discharged. I told him. He wasn't super happy which meant I wasn't either. He finally got back from patrol at the beginning of August. We were looking forward to coasting through his last few months of service and using all the free time to find him a high paying civilian job.

That wasn't going to happen he got told that he was needed on another boomer. They were short crew members so yay for you shipmate you get to fill in. He had only been home a week and they were sending him back out. We were NOT happy to say the very least.

The Descent Part II

PPD. Post Partum Depression. They warn you that it can happen. They tell you that you should seek help. My husband was gone and I was so terrified that if I told people what I was feeling that they would take my baby from me. So I holed up in my house, other than going out to shop (the one thing I could do without having panic attacks) I stayed home.

I stayed in my house and I played World of Warcraft and I ate. I took care of my baby of course. I spent 6 hours every evening rocking, walking, shushing, applying warming pads, bicycling her legs, rubbing her tummy and more. She screamed bloody murder for SIX HOURS every night. Every.Single.Night.

I researched PPD on the internet. I had most of the symptoms. Intrusive thoughts. I saw myself slashing my wrists and leaving my daughter to a better life without such a failure for a mom. I never saw myself hurting her. Even at the peak of her screaming periods I never wanted to harm her. I wanted so much for her. I wanted her to have an awesome mom and I knew that would never be me. I gained back all the weight I had lost. Plus some.

My husband came back from patrol and was a bit surprised. The house wasn't all neat and spiffy like it had been last time. The baby was dressed up all cute, but I was fat and looked like crap. Sure I had put on my cutest outfit and makeup. Yeah I was really glad he was home but I knew he was disappointed.

The Descent

I'm 28 years old. I had three children right in a row. I had my oldest Dizzy at 24, Bee at 25 and Beffy at 26.

Right before I got pregnant I had just lost 80 lbs. It was honestly the first time in my life I had pride in the way I looked. I wasn't super thin but I looked good. I had a hairstyle I liked, I could afford to buy the products I wanted to make my hair, skin and face look better. I could choose not to eat anything but plain chicken breasts for a week and use my food money to buy hot new panties or jeans.

It was the best time in my life. I had made it to 23 as a virgin and was thinking about possibly at least getting past kissing. I felt like I could get a guy to look at me. I did. I met my husband we dated intensely and 5 months later I was pregant. He was in the Navy and about to ship out for a 3 month patrol so we threw together a wedding and got married. He left 2 days later.

I spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy commuting from Bremerton to Downtown Seattle daily to work. This includes a 20 minute bus trip on the Bremerton side, an hour long ferry trip and a 30 minute bus ride on the Seattle side. Each way. I started gaining weight quicker than I should have due to the ridiculous hours and my enormous appetite.

By the time my husband was back I had already gained 25 lbs. I put on weight quickly. My doctors took me off of the antidepressant I had been on for years and the weight piled on even faster. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm depressed I eat.

A lot.

It makes me feel better. I think by the time I had my daughter I had gained 60 lbs.

My husband left for another patrol a week after I gave birth. In about a month after he left I had taken off about 40 of those pregnancy pounds. I looked squishy but better. That didn't last long.