So I've Totally Slacked on This

Yeah I know. But hey it's been chaos in the extreme.

I'm up to 300 mg of Lamictal. I'm now forgetting things like, words, how to turn on my washing machine, how to fasten a diaper etc. The dr said this isn't a good sign SO tomorrow at our appointment we'll be discussing new medication options.

My hair has fallen out quite a bit. I finally cut it to about an inch short, slowly going from mid-back to shoulder length, to a choppy bob to just getting rid of the damn stuff. We were sick of pulling long hairs out of everything. I've got bald spots but I think when I quit the Lamictal those will grow back in the loss will stop and my hair will grow.

The youngest and I had a hospital stay each. Both infinantly complicated and ridiculous.

I've finally gotten motivated to start crafting. I think I'm getting pretty good at what I've decided to do and may even try to sell it. Maybe it will make me feel more useful.

My husband asked the other day what I've been thinking about and what's been going on with me...I realized that I really had nothing to say. I mean my days are filled with dealing with stuff for him, making meals, doing chores, taking care of the kids and maybe screwing around on Facebook for a while.

Oh the doctor decided to switch me from Ativan which wasn't working for crap and gave me Xanax....OMG it's the wonder drug. I'm on 1mg 2 times a day. My sister informed me that it's quite a high dosage. I didn't realize that lol.

I'll have to post up some pictures of my craftiness pretty soon. We'll see how they turn out.

My only disappointment is that I'm running out of fabric scraps.

Reconnecting with friends

Since having children I've become a virtual recluse. I see my family occasionally. I talk with people online and I go out to the stores but all my friends fell by the wayside. It was a combination of moving and really just not caring in the midst of my depression.

I'm having my friend over tonight with her two little girls. We've been friends since elementary school. She introduced me to my husband. We've always been super close and I'm nervous as hell. I'm scared. Seriously.

I know I need friends and that I need a support system but what if we've both changed so much that we're no longer compatible as friends? What if she's totally turned off by my "crazy" stuff.

I hope this goes well because I'm meeting up with another old friend next week and this one is going to blow my confidence if it doesn't go well.

LOL I feel like I'm going on a blind date.

I think I need a hobby.

I need something to do. It's too late to start school. I get some exercise and I'm still working on my looks....I need something fun and challenging. I used to love crafting but I can't decide what I want to do. I've thought about trying to make jewelry and hair stuff for children out of fabric but I'm not sure exactly what to do. Any suggestions? I already have a TON of fabric but don't want to do a ton of sewing.

Deep Breath....Deeeeeeeeep Breath

Since adding Lamictal to my medication line up a lot of things have happened. My hair has been falling out at an alarming rate, I've stopped yelling as much. I've stopped obsessing as much....and my children have begun testing me.

"How many times can I ignore mommy before she gets really pissed."
"How many times can I smack my sister before I get in trouble."
"Hmmm no yelling, what are the new consequences?"

It's been hard. I'm much calmer but I swear they are trying to drive me out of my mind. They are pushing the boundries every damn day. I end just about every day so tense my neck and head hurt. My toe nails are gone (nervous habit when I'm stressed.) No I don't get mad or rageful as quickly or easily as before but my GOD. They have to stop this soon. It's driving me insane.

My four year old never stops talking. Asking for the same things over and over and over again. Following me into the kitchen, the bathroom, my bedroom. All places she knows are off limits. I just don't know what to do with her. With the other two it's mostly physical stuff. A little extra screaming. A little extra running into walls, you know the normal toddler crap. That I can deal with. The constant "why" "why not" "I want" "Give me" on and on. It's wearing.

I taught the child manners. She used to say please, thank you, no thank you, excuse me all of that. She was great. Now she says it to everyone else. Just not me. With me she demands. I ask her to repeat herself. I ask her if she said it right. I have tried just saying no and walking away. None of them have been effective.

I want her to understand. Yes I'm mommy. But mommy has feelings. Mommy needs to go to the bathroom ALONE. Mommy isn't a servant that you order around like that.

I'm proud of myself though. Today may have been the worst day yet. She slapped her sister, cut her hair (the scissors were hidden I swear), she wouldn't eat breakfast or dinner then demanded brownies, she screamed every time I asked her to do something.... and I didn't yell.

Complete Ignorance in Regards to Mental Illness

I was reading a post on a debate board which is part of a large community I'm a part of. It was about a woman who suffers from Schizophrenia and likely PPP (post partum psychosis.) Who commited a truly heinous act.

I heard some truly disturing points of view. I saw that if the woman was able to do what she did the way she did it then she obviously was in her right mind enough to deserve the death penalty. I saw that mentally ill people should realize they are mentally ill and ask for help. That they are adults and should therefore be expected to just automatically take their medication and if they can't do that they should go to a mental hospital and ask to be kept there until they CAN take their medications when they should.

I saw someone saying they have a mental illness and have never commited this act. Okay seriously do people not understand that different mental illnesses are well....different? They have different names and diganosises for a reason. It's not just a game that doctors play for the hell of it. There are big differences between SAD, Bipolar and Schizophrenia. Having SAD doesn't make you an expert on what someone with bipolar goes through. Nor does having bipolar make you an expert on what someone with schizophrenia goes through.

Maybe beginning psych should be a required science class in schools. I don't know. Something needs to be done about the complete ignorance about mental illnesses.

Sleep, Gotta get it.

It's so hard for me to sleep. Not to actually sleep but to get to sleep. It's crazy. When I'm in a major depressive episode I'm always tired but have a hard time falling to sleep. When I'm hypo manic, I seem like I have plenty of energy and I run myself ragged and still have problems falling asleep.

My psych doctor seems to think it may be a chronic insomnia. That when I'm in a depressed state I should have no issues falling asleep. He explained it as my brain possibly having issues switching from awake mode to sleep mode. That perhaps part of the reason I always feel fatigued is that even when I'm sleeping that switch isn't always made.

I find that interesting. It certainly sounds like me. I mean jeez even when I'm dead tired it takes me a good 45 minutes to 2 hours to fall asleep without some kind of medical aid.

I think I may start meditating or something to help calm myself for bed.

Hair loss? SERIOUSLY????

So I'm on Lamictal which is used for seziures and is also prescribed for bipolar spectrum disorders. Well I started February 1st. About a week or so later I noticed I was shedding more. I've always had SUPER thick hair. It's always been something that people comment on. Hairdressers, doctors, my family anyone who touches it says it's super thick.
So as those who have thick hair know sometimes you shed a lot. It's a normal thing. It's expected. Weather changes, diet changes all kinds of things can cause hair loss. Post pregnancy I lost hair like crazy but it never felt thinner.
Well my damn hair is falling out at an alarming rate. When I brush it, when I wash it, while I'm sleeping, when I'm just freaking standing still. It's just falling out and out and out. When I pull it back it feels thinner. My elastics wrap around my ponytail and extra time.
I looked it up. It's a pretty fraking rare side effect but hey of course it's one that I get. I'm not dizzy, no rashes, nothing you would think is horrible. One of the main reasons I chose this drug to try was to avoid weight gain.
Now I have to decide. Is my mental health worth losing my hair and feeling ugly? I've always loved my hair. LOVED it. I could thin it if I was too hot. It just looked nice and thick and luxurious. My husband loves it and now it's falling out.
The rational answer is if it's working to control my moods and mood swings then YES it's worth losing some hair. Logically I know that is the correct answer.
However as a woman. It's a hard question to look at the logical answer. It's horrible. I doubt I'll go bald but I will most definitely lose hair. Some of it may grow back within a year or so (based on information I've gotten from other people online) or it may never grow back. I could have thin hair forever. Or until I try a different drug therapy.
I'm sure this sounds like a stupid thing to some people to be so bothered by...but damnit it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like less of a woman. It makes me feel a little sick every time I run my hand through my hair and 20 or 30 hairs come out in my hand. The average hair loss per day is about 100 hairs. I know darn well I'm losing a whole heck of a lot more than that.
I guess it's just another step in my journey. Maybe I'll just have to learn to be a woman with less hair. Hey maybe now I can get a perm and have it look right. Or maybe I'll start shaving my head and wearing wigs. Or hey maybe I'll just start covering my head. Who knows.