I'm sick of being fat. I was becoming less fat but then I started Seroquel and stopped becoming less fat and became quite possibly more fat. I say quite possibly because you couldn't pay me to step on a scale right now. I know I'm fat. I can see myself in the storefront windows as I walk by I'm not blind.
I hate it. I feel ugly and unhealthy.
No matter how futile though I'm still working on it.
I have an allergist appointment on the 30th. I'm kind of excited. For one I'll finally find out what all I'm allergic to. For two (lol I know so grammatically incorrect.) it's a 4 to 5 hour appointment with NO KIDS. Lot's of testing and waiting for results so I'm thinking I can bring a book and relax lol.
The children and I went to the Oregon Coast to visit the parental units. It was alright. They're both so tense over estate stuff that I kind of regretted going. My mom had a talk with me about "going forward" with the girls and having a schedule and a routine...um HELLO!!!! Schedules and routines go out the damn window when on vacation. Why do you think they're being such maniacs. God I have a schedule and a routine. It's not rigid but things get done in a certain order and at just about the same time every day. If someone is sick the routine gets screwed with a bit. I was kind of offended because I remember my childhood. We didn't have anything resembling normalcy till I was about ooooh 8 or 9. My dad was drunk and or high most of the time when I was younger. My mom was high sometimes. I had two younger siblings 3 and 4 years after I was born. My mom admittedly didn't want kids. So she didn't have much fun with us. So she can bite me for that.
Girl number two is having fun potty training finally. I'm doing the padded underwear and plastic pants thing with her. Pull ups are too comfortable.
Uhhhhh yeah I'm sure there is more but it'll give me a reason to write tomorrow.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Swagbucks
So I have a new addiction lol. Swagbucks if you decide to sign up please please use my button to do so.
http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/notjustamommy
http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/notjustamommy
Monday, September 6, 2010
Awesome Blog, Awesome Giveaway!
This blog
http://thequiltedfish.typepad.com/the-quilted-fish/2010/08/its-the-huge-giant-youre-gonna-want-to-get-in-on-this-one-give-away.html#comment-form
Is beautiful, the owner is holding an awesome giveaway right now. So if you're a fabric fanatic like me. Check it out!
http://thequiltedfish.typepad.com/the-quilted-fish/2010/08/its-the-huge-giant-youre-gonna-want-to-get-in-on-this-one-give-away.html#comment-form
Is beautiful, the owner is holding an awesome giveaway right now. So if you're a fabric fanatic like me. Check it out!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Spirit of My Grandma
Hi! So yesterday I had to go to court. It was for something stupid done when I was hypo-manic. SO out of character for me. Anyhow that's not really the story. There were a billion people there (well 75 cases) and they went alphabetically. Lets just say I'm one of the last 8 or so numbers in the alphabet.
So I'm sitting there anxious out of my mind, twisting my fingers, scratching my neck, biting my nails. All the normal freak out things for me. This older woman she was probably about 65 reached over and patted my hand. "It'll be alright sweetie" she said. She then rubbed her hand across my back a couple times and patted my shoulder. It reminded me so much of my grandma. I got tears in my eyes and thats when I realized she was wearing my grandma's perfume.
My grandmother and I were SUPER close. I was the first grandchild. I was her shopping buddy, her laying around watching tv buddy. I lived with her a couple of times during my early adult years. Both for her and me to be honest. She was the one who convinced me to see a doctor about depression and anxiety when I was 18. She understood me and I understood her. She was so kind hearted. She gave people almost unlimited chances and forgiveness for their mistakes. I loved her so much. I was there with her when she died. I laid on her hospital bed and held her while her body gave out on her. I told her I loved her and I know she loved me.
So back to court. This woman was so sweet. It was like God sent me my grandma for that afternoon. Everytime I would start to tense up and get really anxious she would reach over and rub/scratch my back (just like my grandma always did) and whisper "it will all turn out fine." Their name must have been after mine because she was still there when they called me up and gave me a deal that basically made it so the record of the crime wouldn't exist as long as I behaved myself for 2 years (which of course I will.) When I turned around after dealing with all that she was beaming. I leaned over as I walked out of the courtroom and whispered "thank you so much for your kindness and support you will never know how much it meant to me." She said "no thanks needed and I'm glad everything turned out so well for you sweetie." I went and dealt with everything that needed to be done paperwork wise and just marvaled at the wonderful gift I had been given.
On a day with so much potential for bad sucky things...I got a little bit of my grandma. I know the woman wasn't my grandma but I could feel my grandma's presence there.
So I'm sitting there anxious out of my mind, twisting my fingers, scratching my neck, biting my nails. All the normal freak out things for me. This older woman she was probably about 65 reached over and patted my hand. "It'll be alright sweetie" she said. She then rubbed her hand across my back a couple times and patted my shoulder. It reminded me so much of my grandma. I got tears in my eyes and thats when I realized she was wearing my grandma's perfume.
My grandmother and I were SUPER close. I was the first grandchild. I was her shopping buddy, her laying around watching tv buddy. I lived with her a couple of times during my early adult years. Both for her and me to be honest. She was the one who convinced me to see a doctor about depression and anxiety when I was 18. She understood me and I understood her. She was so kind hearted. She gave people almost unlimited chances and forgiveness for their mistakes. I loved her so much. I was there with her when she died. I laid on her hospital bed and held her while her body gave out on her. I told her I loved her and I know she loved me.
So back to court. This woman was so sweet. It was like God sent me my grandma for that afternoon. Everytime I would start to tense up and get really anxious she would reach over and rub/scratch my back (just like my grandma always did) and whisper "it will all turn out fine." Their name must have been after mine because she was still there when they called me up and gave me a deal that basically made it so the record of the crime wouldn't exist as long as I behaved myself for 2 years (which of course I will.) When I turned around after dealing with all that she was beaming. I leaned over as I walked out of the courtroom and whispered "thank you so much for your kindness and support you will never know how much it meant to me." She said "no thanks needed and I'm glad everything turned out so well for you sweetie." I went and dealt with everything that needed to be done paperwork wise and just marvaled at the wonderful gift I had been given.
On a day with so much potential for bad sucky things...I got a little bit of my grandma. I know the woman wasn't my grandma but I could feel my grandma's presence there.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I know I'm horrible
Yep I have been horrible at keeping up here. FORTUNATELY I now have motivation, drive and determination to do things. Yay right?
So my parents came to visit today. Normally this would be a stressful panic inducing situation. No my parents aren't terrible we all get along quite nicely. It more had to do with ... I don't know invasion of my safe bubble? So usually when they came to visit it required a xanax or an ativan after the first hour of trying to calmly have a nice time. It also required many cigarette breaks (yes I know BAAAAAAAAD). Today not only did I not need any meds I also didn't have a cigarette the whole time they were here which was just about 5 hours. I didn't realize it till after they left. I knew my mom would be excited. To my surprise my dad was even more excited lol. I never knew if he completely understood what I was dealing with. My mom of course did she's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. So anyway yeah today was pretty good.
Things with the husband haven't been great lately. He's been a douche. Yes my BiPolar is pretty much under control. I feel like a walking pill with all the meds I'm on but hey I feel great mentally. Now we're dealing with my allergies. I never realized how much of my lack of energy was actually because my allergies were out of control. Of course when you're depressed you don't really give a flying rat's rear and when I'm hypo the thought of drs. appts sends me into a day long panic attack. So step one was getting my year long sinus infection dealt with. I went on hard core antibiotics...like 200mg of ummm yeah can't remember the name but it did a number on my digestive system. Then a CT scan...then and ENT visit to find out YAY my sinuses are now clear and the reason I'm having so much facial pain is...ready for this? I grind my teeth in my sleep. So I went and bought a night guard...I've chewed through that puppy just about in a month. I think I can get another week out of it but holy cow! I had NO idea.
Anyhow back to the douchey husband. He seems to think that I'm a bother at this point. No I didn't have quite this many issues when we met and dated etc but hey pregnancy changes things in your body and remember I was pregnant for just about 2 years straight so I'm not surprised things change. Soooo end of September I'll be seeing an allergist. Hopefully he can help me. I can't say I'm excited about the skin and blood tests but this guy seems top notch. A new patient appointment takes three to four hours because he meets with you asks all the questions etc. Then you do the tests. THEN he meets with you THAT DAY with the results of everything and figures out what to do with you lol. I love it.
Um I've been crafting like a mad woman. I think I almost have enough done for my testers and then to open my shop. I really hope I haven't been doing all of this for nothing. I really do.
I don't know if I've laid it all out yet but this is the medication that's working for me. Effexor XR (generic), Lamictal (generic), Xanax once a day, and Seroquel XR. Serouquel is AWESOME. It was like the final puzzle piece that brought all my meds together to form a working team. SO happy. The side effect with me seems to be that my weight just won't budge. Sooo I'm still a fatty BUT I've decided to embrace it. Like I've said before I would rather be fat and a happy good mommy and wife and person that thin and completely miserable to be and to be around.
So I've found a style that works for me. That makes me feel pretty and that gives me confidence...I'll be honest a lot of it is the amount of clevage I show hehe. I've got big ol boobs always have and well. They're one of my best features those and my legs so I use them to my full advantage. Empire waisted dresses and leggings. They make my bust and legs look great and kind of hide my flawed mid section.
Yeah that's pretty much it for today but I've got to say things are going great. I can't promise I'll update every single day but I'll try for once a week and the very least.
So my parents came to visit today. Normally this would be a stressful panic inducing situation. No my parents aren't terrible we all get along quite nicely. It more had to do with ... I don't know invasion of my safe bubble? So usually when they came to visit it required a xanax or an ativan after the first hour of trying to calmly have a nice time. It also required many cigarette breaks (yes I know BAAAAAAAAD). Today not only did I not need any meds I also didn't have a cigarette the whole time they were here which was just about 5 hours. I didn't realize it till after they left. I knew my mom would be excited. To my surprise my dad was even more excited lol. I never knew if he completely understood what I was dealing with. My mom of course did she's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. So anyway yeah today was pretty good.
Things with the husband haven't been great lately. He's been a douche. Yes my BiPolar is pretty much under control. I feel like a walking pill with all the meds I'm on but hey I feel great mentally. Now we're dealing with my allergies. I never realized how much of my lack of energy was actually because my allergies were out of control. Of course when you're depressed you don't really give a flying rat's rear and when I'm hypo the thought of drs. appts sends me into a day long panic attack. So step one was getting my year long sinus infection dealt with. I went on hard core antibiotics...like 200mg of ummm yeah can't remember the name but it did a number on my digestive system. Then a CT scan...then and ENT visit to find out YAY my sinuses are now clear and the reason I'm having so much facial pain is...ready for this? I grind my teeth in my sleep. So I went and bought a night guard...I've chewed through that puppy just about in a month. I think I can get another week out of it but holy cow! I had NO idea.
Anyhow back to the douchey husband. He seems to think that I'm a bother at this point. No I didn't have quite this many issues when we met and dated etc but hey pregnancy changes things in your body and remember I was pregnant for just about 2 years straight so I'm not surprised things change. Soooo end of September I'll be seeing an allergist. Hopefully he can help me. I can't say I'm excited about the skin and blood tests but this guy seems top notch. A new patient appointment takes three to four hours because he meets with you asks all the questions etc. Then you do the tests. THEN he meets with you THAT DAY with the results of everything and figures out what to do with you lol. I love it.
Um I've been crafting like a mad woman. I think I almost have enough done for my testers and then to open my shop. I really hope I haven't been doing all of this for nothing. I really do.
I don't know if I've laid it all out yet but this is the medication that's working for me. Effexor XR (generic), Lamictal (generic), Xanax once a day, and Seroquel XR. Serouquel is AWESOME. It was like the final puzzle piece that brought all my meds together to form a working team. SO happy. The side effect with me seems to be that my weight just won't budge. Sooo I'm still a fatty BUT I've decided to embrace it. Like I've said before I would rather be fat and a happy good mommy and wife and person that thin and completely miserable to be and to be around.
So I've found a style that works for me. That makes me feel pretty and that gives me confidence...I'll be honest a lot of it is the amount of clevage I show hehe. I've got big ol boobs always have and well. They're one of my best features those and my legs so I use them to my full advantage. Empire waisted dresses and leggings. They make my bust and legs look great and kind of hide my flawed mid section.
Yeah that's pretty much it for today but I've got to say things are going great. I can't promise I'll update every single day but I'll try for once a week and the very least.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Walking...it's a good thing.
Well Dr. A add Seroquel to my regimin and it actually seems to be helping already. With my sleep anyway. I took the girls out 3 days in a row and walked at least 3 miles each times pushing a triple stroller. I'm sure I burned a billion calories. Friday we went to the mall to play and I got a few things from the uber sale at Bath and Body works. Then Saturday I got a body butter and lip butters from Body Shop. Today we went on a walk to Joann fabrics to get a project for the girls to make for their daddy for fathers day.
I've been hard at work on my new hobby and Joann's made me very happy by having fat quarters for 99 cents. Things are going decently but MAN hormonal stuff does not make this bipolar thing any easier.
I've been hard at work on my new hobby and Joann's made me very happy by having fat quarters for 99 cents. Things are going decently but MAN hormonal stuff does not make this bipolar thing any easier.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Take two steps forward, get pushed back three, then get a nice kick in the teeth
So the husband is going back to school. Good for you say the people at his work. His boss is all excited about it and they say they're going to work with him on a schedule. Unfortunately Spring quarter we kind of mis-timed it and he didn't get in. We told them. He's definitely going to summer quater. The told us okay just let us know and we'll work with you....
So we get him admitted, registered, GI bill bennies started. He goes to his bosses and tells them that he's all ready to go. Their response? "Well since it's such short notice we're going to have to put you on night shift..." Now night shift at this plant is 12 hour night shifts, 2 days on 2 days off, 3 days on 2 days off 2 days on 3 days off. Then you start again. It's complete and utter BS. TOTAL bs.
They lied. Or it feels like they did. This is going to be hard on him AND on me.
It means almost zero time together. It means LOTS of cranky husband. Lot's of kids acting up because they aren't seeing enough of daddy and it means me with my kids alone for almost 24 hours a day every day because he's going to need extra sleep time.
Is it worth the extra 1500 a month? I guess we'll have to see. What a bunch of douche canoes he works with.
So we get him admitted, registered, GI bill bennies started. He goes to his bosses and tells them that he's all ready to go. Their response? "Well since it's such short notice we're going to have to put you on night shift..." Now night shift at this plant is 12 hour night shifts, 2 days on 2 days off, 3 days on 2 days off 2 days on 3 days off. Then you start again. It's complete and utter BS. TOTAL bs.
They lied. Or it feels like they did. This is going to be hard on him AND on me.
It means almost zero time together. It means LOTS of cranky husband. Lot's of kids acting up because they aren't seeing enough of daddy and it means me with my kids alone for almost 24 hours a day every day because he's going to need extra sleep time.
Is it worth the extra 1500 a month? I guess we'll have to see. What a bunch of douche canoes he works with.
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