PPD. Post Partum Depression. They warn you that it can happen. They tell you that you should seek help. My husband was gone and I was so terrified that if I told people what I was feeling that they would take my baby from me. So I holed up in my house, other than going out to shop (the one thing I could do without having panic attacks) I stayed home.
I stayed in my house and I played World of Warcraft and I ate. I took care of my baby of course. I spent 6 hours every evening rocking, walking, shushing, applying warming pads, bicycling her legs, rubbing her tummy and more. She screamed bloody murder for SIX HOURS every night. Every.Single.Night.
I researched PPD on the internet. I had most of the symptoms. Intrusive thoughts. I saw myself slashing my wrists and leaving my daughter to a better life without such a failure for a mom. I never saw myself hurting her. Even at the peak of her screaming periods I never wanted to harm her. I wanted so much for her. I wanted her to have an awesome mom and I knew that would never be me. I gained back all the weight I had lost. Plus some.
My husband came back from patrol and was a bit surprised. The house wasn't all neat and spiffy like it had been last time. The baby was dressed up all cute, but I was fat and looked like crap. Sure I had put on my cutest outfit and makeup. Yeah I was really glad he was home but I knew he was disappointed.
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