Christmas is Coming

On the baby boards I'm a part of there has been a long running debate for as long as I've been posting there...which would be very nearly 6 years. Is it a horrible thing to teach your child to believe in Santa Clause?

There are mothers who insisted that they were so traumatized when they found out Santa wasn't real that they would never ever do that to their child...Traumatized really? I can see being traumatized over a car wreck, house fire, death of a pet or loved one but....Santa?

Anyway I think that Santa is a wonderful part of the magic of this time of year. My girls believe. My oldest just got a phone call from Santa a few days ago as a matter of fact.

If you teach your kid that Santa doesn't exist and he comes to school and ruins it for MY kids...you better watch out.LOL

Everyone Else's Needs

So this evening my husband and I were getting you know close before he had to go to work, the girls were in the dining room eating and we were making out. Well then there was the pitter patter of little feets running around in the kitchen. As mom I had to go deal with it. So I did, I cleaned her up and she started screaming, then the other child wanted to be cleaned up , then they wanted juice cups, then they wanted night night, so I went and stripped off the beds that needed to be cleaned started a load of laundry so that I could get that bedding washed and then dealt with putting their beds together and putting them down to sleep.
Afterward I looked into my room and saw my furious husband getting dressed. When I asked why he was angry I got told that he wasn't ummmm bull, so finally I pulled it out of him that I got him all turned on and left.
Apparently every one else comes before me, my feelings don't matter, the fact that I have a raging headache doesn't matter, the fact that HELLO I was turned on and didn't get it doesn't matter, only he matters to him, only the girls matter to themselves and I don't matter to anyone.

NO!

I belong to a community called BabyCenter, or BBC for those in the know. Today while reading threads I was stunned by the number of people who can't say NO. I will admit I'm among them. What is one of the first words your child learns? "No"...do you want juice? No. Do you want to go to bed? No. Etc. It's one of the first words out of our mouths as a child and one of the last words out of some of our mouths as adults. Why is that? Are we just people pleasers who are afraid of the reaction we'll get? I think that it's likely the case with many of us.

So, what are we going to do about it? I'll tell you what, we're going to practice saying no. Hey can you do A, B and C for me? NO! I have a full plate already and you can take the trash out yourself damn it! Mommy can I have a cookie? No you can't. Turn away and ignore the sulky face.

I've decided that I need to be more firm about it. When I wasn't properly medicated and I was just so tired of everything I gave in, a lot. I know it. So I'm going to learn that simple two letter word again.

Day Two Completely Gluten Free

I have Gluten issues I've never technically been diagnosed with anything but the fact that 7 years ago (when I was single) when I went on a carb free diet, that my ulcers and stomach issues disappeared and I lost 25 pounds in the first 2 weeks (doctor said it was probably bloat related to allergies). That all makes me figure that I'm allergic to gluten. SO here I am working on eating no gluten, jeez it's hard. Especially now that I have a family who would never in a million years give up wheat. So I have to eat only some of what I make. But I've decided that I want to feel better. So lets see how this goes.

My New Coat

Yes I'm writing a post about my new coat. It was a 54 dollar coat...how much do you think I spent on it? Mind you this is a coat that a week ago I didn't buy because it was 54 dollars. It was THIRTEEN DOLLARS today when I went to Target! I almost swooned. Seriously, God is watching out for me because I really needed a coat. Like really badly. They don't have a picture of the exact coat on the site but its basically this but not wool lol. It would have been cool if it was wool but I'm really happy with what I got.

Anyway, also today I was able to finish my Humanities paper about human trafficking, I figure since I was in a good mood from the coat and all I might as well tackle a depressing subject. I think Im almost ready for Christmas. I'm so proud of myself I've gotten some really good deals on some great gifts. I got my sister a leather jacket for....wait for it........9 bucks lol, she loves jackets and such so yeah I think it will be a big hit lol. Got my little brothers flasks, they're the kinda guys who will think it's cool. Oh and my little sister told me that her guy is pretty into clothes and cooking soooooo. I got him a couple of nice polo shirts, formerly 40 dollars for only 7 dollars each at Tuesday Morning. I LOVE buying gifts like that because it's something that's obviously high quality and expensive but you didn't have to spend a buttload on it.

Black Friday

Today is "Black Friday" aka the day we're doing Thanksgiving. The husband had to work his 12 hour shift (double time bonus woo) and we decided that since it's just Thanksgiving not Christmas or something that he would work and we would do Turkey Day the next day since he has a 3 day weekend. My parents are coming up for it and I'm stressed. Our vacuum isn't working for crap so the floors look terrible. I can't find my recipe for stuffing and can't get ahold of my mom to get the recipe, I haven't put the damn turkey in the oven and it's noon. Luckily it's only 15 lbs and completely thawed but WTF am I supposed to do? Hubby is sleeping, the 2 year old is horrible lately, she screams at EVERYTHING. I have a 6 page end of term paper due for the Humanities class that I HATE like poison on Wednesday, the class doesn't end till the 8th of December but the dumb biznatch is so lazy we have to have it in on the 3rd.....I'm just pissed about that. I don't understand what she wants, she writes out a bunch of gibberish and expects us to get it. Whatever I'm writing the paper my way with the appropriate number of references and that's it. I never ever have had so much trouble writing essays and such as I do for this moron. Seriously I've never gotten less than an A- on a paper or essay since 6th grade. Bleh, one good thing though is that instead of having to go try to get a TAG on sale at Target for my darling daughter I got it on sale for the same price on Amazon. Yay. My mom wants to do a little shopping so hopefully we'll get the chance.

Pretty Good Day Today

Today was actually pretty good, the husband got his beta key for DC Universe Online. Oh he almost peed his pants it was pretty funny. I had to run out to the store because it snowed and was icy for a couple days and we needed a few things. No I have the most adorable boots, they have a cute zipper that goes round the top and they scrunch and they're black and they have high spike-ish heels. Non snow and ice appropriate. So while I'm picking my way across the parking lot the husband tells me to get some new boots with no heels. Now I'm really not a shoe person but  I think I could come to fall in love with boots. They finally make them for us ladies with oddly muscular calves. I'm overweight right now but even when I was underweight those suckers never shrank. Here they are I got both colors cuz...you know he didn't say A pair of boots and they were BOGO.

They are super comfy almost like slippers plus real leather so they smell divine. Anyway for any ladies with wide calves go to Avenue or Payless Shoes I know for a fact they have boots that will fit you.

Now on to My Little Posies. I've been working on a couple new flower designs and here they are. They're not 100% perfect but I'm in love.

Christmas Shopping

Someone stop me, I am way overboard for Christmas already. It's just too fun to pick the perfect gifts for people, to wrap them nicely, fill stockings and watch how excited people are when I give them the gift I've chosen for them. It's not fake excitement either, my mom is totally honest with me and she always tells me what people say about the gifts I get them. I do stockings for kids and adults alike, lots of fun stuff!
This year it looks like God willing my entire family will be getting together for the first time in about 5 years. My sister is an officer in the Salvation Army and is stationed in Arizona. She never can get away as well you know Christmas is a big time deal for the Salvation Army. My older little brother is in the Air Force we usually don't get to see him either. My little little brother we do get to see far more often but we're excited to see him too. PLUS everyone is going to be bringing a significant other. I haven't met my sister's boyfriend (they are serious) and I've only briefly met my brother's girlfriend (the one in the AF). So what the hell am I supposed to do? Do I get them small gifts? I mean we're going to be doing the whole gift thing so how awkward if no one gets them anything right? Boys are always hard to shop for but a guy I don't know? I mean if all else fails I can always get my dad or brothers a couple of pairs of goofy pajama pants but I can't give PJs to a guy I don't know that's just weird. Plus I don't know how girly my brother's girlfriend is. I know my littlest brother's girlfriend loves pink and girly just as much as me so she's easy, but the new girl? No clue. My mom doesn't really know her either. Blah. Advice? Pointers? ANYONE?

Just Discovered a Very Fun Craft

OMG covering your own buttons is the coolest thing EVER how did I not know about this before? Seriously I've been a serious crafter for a good 14 years now and I never knew about this? I love picking the fabrics, deciding where on the fabric to center it...oh so fun.... I'll have to take pics of what I did tonight. I love them. Plus if you go ahead and get them when Joanns has the buy one get one free notions deal they're an awesome deal 8 buttons for 2.79 which is cheaper than you can get most buttons for and they're exactly what you want instead of having to settle for something half the time. Can you tell I love them? I know I'm a total dork lol.

My next post will include samples. I love them.

SO Overweight

I'm sick of being fat. I was becoming less fat but then I started Seroquel and stopped becoming less fat and became quite possibly more fat. I say quite possibly because you couldn't pay me to step on a scale right now. I know I'm fat. I can see myself in the storefront windows as I walk by I'm not blind.

I hate it. I feel ugly and unhealthy.

No matter how futile though I'm still working on it.

I have an allergist appointment on the 30th. I'm kind of excited. For one I'll finally find out what all I'm allergic to. For two (lol I know so grammatically incorrect.) it's a 4 to 5 hour appointment with NO KIDS. Lot's of testing and waiting for results so I'm thinking I can bring a book and relax lol.

The children and I went to the Oregon Coast to visit the parental units. It was alright. They're both so tense over estate stuff that I kind of regretted going. My mom had a talk with me about "going forward" with the girls and having a schedule and a routine...um HELLO!!!! Schedules and routines go out the damn window when on vacation. Why do you think they're being such maniacs. God I have a schedule and a routine. It's not rigid but things get done in a certain order and at just about the same time every day. If someone is sick the routine gets screwed with a bit. I was kind of offended because I remember my childhood. We didn't have anything resembling normalcy till I was about ooooh 8 or 9. My dad was drunk and or high most of the time when I was younger. My mom was high sometimes. I had two younger siblings 3 and 4 years after I was born. My mom admittedly didn't want kids. So she didn't have much fun with us. So she can bite me for that.

Girl number two is having fun potty training finally. I'm doing the padded underwear and plastic pants thing with her. Pull ups are too comfortable.

Uhhhhh yeah I'm sure there is more but it'll give me a reason to write tomorrow.

Swagbucks

So I have a new addiction lol. Swagbucks if you decide to sign up please please use my button to do so.

http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/notjustamommy

Awesome Blog, Awesome Giveaway!

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Is beautiful, the owner is holding an awesome giveaway right now. So if you're a fabric fanatic like me. Check it out!

The Spirit of My Grandma

Hi! So yesterday I had to go to court. It was for something stupid done when I was hypo-manic. SO out of character for me. Anyhow that's not really the story. There were a billion people there (well 75 cases) and they went alphabetically. Lets just say I'm one of the last 8 or so numbers in the alphabet.

So I'm sitting there anxious out of my mind, twisting my fingers, scratching my neck, biting my nails. All the normal freak out things for me. This older woman she was probably about 65 reached over and patted my hand. "It'll be alright sweetie" she said. She then rubbed her hand across my back a couple times and patted my shoulder. It reminded me so much of my grandma. I got tears in my eyes and thats when I realized she was wearing my grandma's perfume.

My grandmother and I were SUPER close. I was the first grandchild. I was her shopping buddy, her laying around watching tv buddy. I lived with her a couple of times during my early adult years. Both for her and me to be honest. She was the one who convinced me to see a doctor about depression and anxiety when I was 18. She understood me and I understood her. She was so kind hearted. She gave people almost unlimited chances and forgiveness for their mistakes. I loved her so much. I was there with her when she died. I laid on her hospital bed and held her while her body gave out on her. I told her I loved her and I know she loved me.

So back to court. This woman was so sweet. It was like God sent me my grandma for that afternoon. Everytime I would start to tense up and get really anxious she would reach over and rub/scratch my back (just like my grandma always did) and whisper "it will all turn out fine." Their name must have been after mine because she was still there when they called me up and gave me a deal that basically made it so the record of the crime wouldn't exist as long as I behaved myself for 2 years (which of course I will.) When I turned around after dealing with all that she was beaming. I leaned over as I walked out of the courtroom and whispered "thank you so much for your kindness and support you will never know how much it meant to me." She said "no thanks needed and I'm glad everything turned out so well for you sweetie." I went and dealt with everything that needed to be done paperwork wise and just marvaled at the wonderful gift I had been given.

On a day with so much potential for bad sucky things...I got a little bit of my grandma. I know the woman wasn't my grandma but I could feel my grandma's presence there.

I know I'm horrible

Yep I have been horrible at keeping up here. FORTUNATELY I now have motivation, drive and determination to do things. Yay right?

So my parents came to visit today. Normally this would be a stressful panic inducing situation. No my parents aren't terrible we all get along quite nicely. It more had to do with ... I don't know invasion of my safe bubble? So usually when they came to visit it required a xanax or an ativan after the first hour of trying to calmly have a nice time. It also required many cigarette breaks (yes I know BAAAAAAAAD). Today not only did I not need any meds I also didn't have a cigarette the whole time they were here which was just about 5 hours. I didn't realize it till after they left. I knew my mom would be excited. To my surprise my dad was even more excited lol. I never knew if he completely understood what I was dealing with. My mom of course did she's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. So anyway yeah today was pretty good.

Things with the husband haven't been great lately. He's been a douche. Yes my BiPolar is pretty much under control. I feel like a walking pill with all the meds I'm on but hey I feel great mentally. Now we're dealing with my allergies. I never realized how much of my lack of energy was actually because my allergies were out of control. Of course when you're depressed you don't really give a flying rat's rear and when I'm hypo the thought of drs. appts sends me into a day long panic attack. So step one was getting my year long sinus infection dealt with. I went on hard core antibiotics...like 200mg of ummm yeah can't remember the name but it did a number on my digestive system. Then a CT scan...then and ENT visit to find out YAY my sinuses are now clear and the reason I'm having so much facial pain is...ready for this? I grind my teeth in my sleep. So I went and bought a night guard...I've chewed through that puppy just about in a month. I think I can get another week out of it but holy cow! I had NO idea.

Anyhow back to the douchey husband. He seems to think that I'm a bother at this point. No I didn't have quite this many issues when we met and dated etc but hey pregnancy changes things in your body and remember I was pregnant for just about 2 years straight so I'm not surprised things change. Soooo end of September I'll be seeing an allergist. Hopefully he can help me. I can't say I'm excited about the skin and blood tests but this guy seems top notch. A new patient appointment takes three to four hours because he meets with you asks all the questions etc. Then you do the tests. THEN he meets with you THAT DAY with the results of everything and figures out what to do with you lol. I love it.

Um I've been crafting like a mad woman. I think I almost have enough done for my testers and then to open my shop. I really hope I haven't been doing all of this for nothing. I really do.

I don't know if I've laid it all out yet but this is the medication that's working for me. Effexor XR (generic), Lamictal (generic), Xanax once a day, and Seroquel XR. Serouquel is AWESOME. It was like the final puzzle piece that brought all my meds together to form a working team. SO happy. The side effect with me seems to be that my weight just won't budge. Sooo I'm still a fatty BUT I've decided to embrace it. Like I've said before I would rather be fat and a happy good mommy and wife and person that thin and completely miserable to be and to be around.

So I've found a style that works for me. That makes me feel pretty and that gives me confidence...I'll be honest a lot of it is the amount of clevage I show hehe. I've got big ol boobs always have and well. They're one of my best features those and my legs so I use them to my full advantage. Empire waisted dresses and leggings. They make my bust and legs look great and kind of hide my flawed mid section.

Yeah that's pretty much it for today but I've got to say things are going great. I can't promise I'll update every single day but I'll try for once a week and the very least.

Walking...it's a good thing.

Well Dr. A add Seroquel to my regimin and it actually seems to be helping already. With my sleep anyway. I took the girls out 3 days in a row and walked at least 3 miles each times pushing a triple stroller. I'm sure I burned a billion calories. Friday we went to the mall to play and I got a few things from the uber sale at Bath and Body works. Then Saturday I got a body butter and lip butters from Body Shop. Today we went on a walk to Joann fabrics to get a project for the girls to make for their daddy for fathers day.

I've been hard at work on my new hobby and Joann's made me very happy by having fat quarters for 99 cents. Things are going decently but MAN hormonal stuff does not make this bipolar thing any easier.

Take two steps forward, get pushed back three, then get a nice kick in the teeth

So the husband is going back to school. Good for you say the people at his work. His boss is all excited about it and they say they're going to work with him on a schedule. Unfortunately Spring quarter we kind of mis-timed it and he didn't get in. We told them. He's definitely going to summer quater. The told us okay just let us know and we'll work with you....

So we get him admitted, registered, GI bill bennies started. He goes to his bosses and tells them that he's all ready to go. Their response? "Well since it's such short notice we're going to have to put you on night shift..." Now night shift at this plant is 12 hour night shifts, 2 days on 2 days off, 3 days on 2 days off 2 days on 3 days off. Then you start again. It's complete and utter BS. TOTAL bs.

They lied. Or it feels like they did. This is going to be hard on him AND on me.

It means almost zero time together. It means LOTS of cranky husband. Lot's of kids acting up because they aren't seeing enough of daddy and it means me with my kids alone for almost 24 hours a day every day because he's going to need extra sleep time.

Is it worth the extra 1500 a month? I guess we'll have to see. What a bunch of douche canoes he works with.

So I've Totally Slacked on This

Yeah I know. But hey it's been chaos in the extreme.

I'm up to 300 mg of Lamictal. I'm now forgetting things like, words, how to turn on my washing machine, how to fasten a diaper etc. The dr said this isn't a good sign SO tomorrow at our appointment we'll be discussing new medication options.

My hair has fallen out quite a bit. I finally cut it to about an inch short, slowly going from mid-back to shoulder length, to a choppy bob to just getting rid of the damn stuff. We were sick of pulling long hairs out of everything. I've got bald spots but I think when I quit the Lamictal those will grow back in the loss will stop and my hair will grow.

The youngest and I had a hospital stay each. Both infinantly complicated and ridiculous.

I've finally gotten motivated to start crafting. I think I'm getting pretty good at what I've decided to do and may even try to sell it. Maybe it will make me feel more useful.

My husband asked the other day what I've been thinking about and what's been going on with me...I realized that I really had nothing to say. I mean my days are filled with dealing with stuff for him, making meals, doing chores, taking care of the kids and maybe screwing around on Facebook for a while.

Oh the doctor decided to switch me from Ativan which wasn't working for crap and gave me Xanax....OMG it's the wonder drug. I'm on 1mg 2 times a day. My sister informed me that it's quite a high dosage. I didn't realize that lol.

I'll have to post up some pictures of my craftiness pretty soon. We'll see how they turn out.

My only disappointment is that I'm running out of fabric scraps.

Reconnecting with friends

Since having children I've become a virtual recluse. I see my family occasionally. I talk with people online and I go out to the stores but all my friends fell by the wayside. It was a combination of moving and really just not caring in the midst of my depression.

I'm having my friend over tonight with her two little girls. We've been friends since elementary school. She introduced me to my husband. We've always been super close and I'm nervous as hell. I'm scared. Seriously.

I know I need friends and that I need a support system but what if we've both changed so much that we're no longer compatible as friends? What if she's totally turned off by my "crazy" stuff.

I hope this goes well because I'm meeting up with another old friend next week and this one is going to blow my confidence if it doesn't go well.

LOL I feel like I'm going on a blind date.

I think I need a hobby.

I need something to do. It's too late to start school. I get some exercise and I'm still working on my looks....I need something fun and challenging. I used to love crafting but I can't decide what I want to do. I've thought about trying to make jewelry and hair stuff for children out of fabric but I'm not sure exactly what to do. Any suggestions? I already have a TON of fabric but don't want to do a ton of sewing.

Deep Breath....Deeeeeeeeep Breath

Since adding Lamictal to my medication line up a lot of things have happened. My hair has been falling out at an alarming rate, I've stopped yelling as much. I've stopped obsessing as much....and my children have begun testing me.

"How many times can I ignore mommy before she gets really pissed."
"How many times can I smack my sister before I get in trouble."
"Hmmm no yelling, what are the new consequences?"

It's been hard. I'm much calmer but I swear they are trying to drive me out of my mind. They are pushing the boundries every damn day. I end just about every day so tense my neck and head hurt. My toe nails are gone (nervous habit when I'm stressed.) No I don't get mad or rageful as quickly or easily as before but my GOD. They have to stop this soon. It's driving me insane.

My four year old never stops talking. Asking for the same things over and over and over again. Following me into the kitchen, the bathroom, my bedroom. All places she knows are off limits. I just don't know what to do with her. With the other two it's mostly physical stuff. A little extra screaming. A little extra running into walls, you know the normal toddler crap. That I can deal with. The constant "why" "why not" "I want" "Give me" on and on. It's wearing.

I taught the child manners. She used to say please, thank you, no thank you, excuse me all of that. She was great. Now she says it to everyone else. Just not me. With me she demands. I ask her to repeat herself. I ask her if she said it right. I have tried just saying no and walking away. None of them have been effective.

I want her to understand. Yes I'm mommy. But mommy has feelings. Mommy needs to go to the bathroom ALONE. Mommy isn't a servant that you order around like that.

I'm proud of myself though. Today may have been the worst day yet. She slapped her sister, cut her hair (the scissors were hidden I swear), she wouldn't eat breakfast or dinner then demanded brownies, she screamed every time I asked her to do something.... and I didn't yell.

Complete Ignorance in Regards to Mental Illness

I was reading a post on a debate board which is part of a large community I'm a part of. It was about a woman who suffers from Schizophrenia and likely PPP (post partum psychosis.) Who commited a truly heinous act.

I heard some truly disturing points of view. I saw that if the woman was able to do what she did the way she did it then she obviously was in her right mind enough to deserve the death penalty. I saw that mentally ill people should realize they are mentally ill and ask for help. That they are adults and should therefore be expected to just automatically take their medication and if they can't do that they should go to a mental hospital and ask to be kept there until they CAN take their medications when they should.

I saw someone saying they have a mental illness and have never commited this act. Okay seriously do people not understand that different mental illnesses are well....different? They have different names and diganosises for a reason. It's not just a game that doctors play for the hell of it. There are big differences between SAD, Bipolar and Schizophrenia. Having SAD doesn't make you an expert on what someone with bipolar goes through. Nor does having bipolar make you an expert on what someone with schizophrenia goes through.

Maybe beginning psych should be a required science class in schools. I don't know. Something needs to be done about the complete ignorance about mental illnesses.

Sleep, Gotta get it.

It's so hard for me to sleep. Not to actually sleep but to get to sleep. It's crazy. When I'm in a major depressive episode I'm always tired but have a hard time falling to sleep. When I'm hypo manic, I seem like I have plenty of energy and I run myself ragged and still have problems falling asleep.

My psych doctor seems to think it may be a chronic insomnia. That when I'm in a depressed state I should have no issues falling asleep. He explained it as my brain possibly having issues switching from awake mode to sleep mode. That perhaps part of the reason I always feel fatigued is that even when I'm sleeping that switch isn't always made.

I find that interesting. It certainly sounds like me. I mean jeez even when I'm dead tired it takes me a good 45 minutes to 2 hours to fall asleep without some kind of medical aid.

I think I may start meditating or something to help calm myself for bed.

Hair loss? SERIOUSLY????

So I'm on Lamictal which is used for seziures and is also prescribed for bipolar spectrum disorders. Well I started February 1st. About a week or so later I noticed I was shedding more. I've always had SUPER thick hair. It's always been something that people comment on. Hairdressers, doctors, my family anyone who touches it says it's super thick.
So as those who have thick hair know sometimes you shed a lot. It's a normal thing. It's expected. Weather changes, diet changes all kinds of things can cause hair loss. Post pregnancy I lost hair like crazy but it never felt thinner.
Well my damn hair is falling out at an alarming rate. When I brush it, when I wash it, while I'm sleeping, when I'm just freaking standing still. It's just falling out and out and out. When I pull it back it feels thinner. My elastics wrap around my ponytail and extra time.
I looked it up. It's a pretty fraking rare side effect but hey of course it's one that I get. I'm not dizzy, no rashes, nothing you would think is horrible. One of the main reasons I chose this drug to try was to avoid weight gain.
Now I have to decide. Is my mental health worth losing my hair and feeling ugly? I've always loved my hair. LOVED it. I could thin it if I was too hot. It just looked nice and thick and luxurious. My husband loves it and now it's falling out.
The rational answer is if it's working to control my moods and mood swings then YES it's worth losing some hair. Logically I know that is the correct answer.
However as a woman. It's a hard question to look at the logical answer. It's horrible. I doubt I'll go bald but I will most definitely lose hair. Some of it may grow back within a year or so (based on information I've gotten from other people online) or it may never grow back. I could have thin hair forever. Or until I try a different drug therapy.
I'm sure this sounds like a stupid thing to some people to be so bothered by...but damnit it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like less of a woman. It makes me feel a little sick every time I run my hand through my hair and 20 or 30 hairs come out in my hand. The average hair loss per day is about 100 hairs. I know darn well I'm losing a whole heck of a lot more than that.
I guess it's just another step in my journey. Maybe I'll just have to learn to be a woman with less hair. Hey maybe now I can get a perm and have it look right. Or maybe I'll start shaving my head and wearing wigs. Or hey maybe I'll just start covering my head. Who knows.

Sickness, Resting and Meds

Last Monday my parents picked up my two oldest daughters for just about a week. They took them down to the Oregon Coast where they live and it was just Husband and the youngest home with me.

Of course the day after they left I woke up with a head and chest full of snot. I was sick pretty much the whole time as was little bean. She got something different than I did though, she had GI issues like crazy. We both spent a lot of time sleeping.

However I got to go out. ALONE. Every day by myself. Husband was glad for me lol.

Last Saturday my parents brought the girls home and we did a joint birthday party for my mom, my middle daughter and husband. It was great. My aunt and cousin came. Everyone loved their gifts. I went a little crazy I'll admit. I spoiled my mom like crazy. She's had a hard year and with the family issues she's been having I wanted to make her day special.

My medication is working. I can think more clearly. I have motivation. Less panic attacks. I still need my Ativan at times but not every day. I also don't need my sleeping pills to sleep. YAY.

Oh and our new matress is awesome. We got a memory foam mattress and topper. I will NEVER buy a regular matress again. EVER.

I've been trying so hard not to shop too much. It makes me feel so good though. To get things and look at them and use them. Sigh. It's going to be a battle. But I'm doing better. I need to find a different coping technique.

On Saturday the 20th husband and I will have been married for 5 years. I can hardly believe it. FIVE years we made it. He's put up with so much from me. I've put up with a lot from him too. I think we may make it for the long haul.

I'm still losing weight. Hubs said when asked to be honest that I looked less wide lol. I did get this really weird band of fat around my middle. So I can understand that. I feel like I look better in my clothes and I can move a little easier. I love it.

I feel like I'm really on the road to regaining myself. I've decided to apply for classes this spring. I got my FAFSA filled out and approved. I think I'm going to start out very very easy.

Spending Problems

So I've always loved to shop. It makes me feel good, when I'm depressive it cheers me up when I'm hypomanic it calms me down.

I have always shopped too much. I haven't driven us into debt with it but I've definitely made it so that things are a bit hard financially with it. Like we're a bit short on money, we don't have a savings etc.

I'm now realizing that this is a problem. I'm also realizing that it's probably tied to my bipolar. I think I need to talk to my psych dr about it.

Intrusive thoughts

I'm scared to death right now. Every time I drive I get the compulsion to unbuckle my seatbelt and slam into a tree. Every time I'm at the top of a flight of stairs I feel like throwing myself down them. I HATE intrusive thoughts. I hate the way they make me feel. I've been in a massive panic for the last few days because they are getting bad.

What is Bipolar II Disorder?

Bipolar II is very similar to bipolar I. The main difference is that while you get the low, lows your highs don't go as high. You don't have a manic episode you have a hypo-manic episode.

My doctor started me on a mood stabilizer to go along with my Effexor. We chose one that doesn't cause weight gain. I'm hoping it works. Not just as a vanity thing but as a health thing.

I'm waiting for it to kick in and praying I don't get the severe skin reaction that 1 in evey 3000 people gets. I'm on Lamictal. Let's see how it works shall we? I've now been on it for 3 days.


http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-2-disorder

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_bp2.htm

http://www.psycheducation.org/

Did I Give it to My Babies?

So on Monday while talking with my psychiatrist he mentioned that Bi Polar is hereditary. I had already been worried about passing along depression and/or anxiety along to my daughters. Now I have this incredible guilt. If I had known I had bi polar would I have had my girls? I love them so much, I love them too much to want them to suffer with this the way I have.



I don't regret having them, but I regret that I am the one that had them, that I may have passed along some mutant genes.



I don't know if I'm making sense. It's something I've been struggling with for a couple days now. I mean I guess I do know what to watch for right? I know to include it in our family history, I know that if my daughters start having problems to take them to a psych dr. rather than a PCP.


I guess it is something I'll have to come to terms with.

I Think My Husband Hates Me

Well yesterday at the psychiatrist I got the official diagnosis. Bi Polar Disorder II.

I think my husband hates me for it. I told him before we got married I had some problems with depression and anxiety and tried to explain. He didn't listen very well. The last 5 years have been me struggling to get him to understand me. It's going to be even worse now. He refuses to look up any information on it. He doesn't want to hear about it. I don't even want to talk to him about the genetics of it because that's all I'll hear about is how I gave something to our daughters.

Taking Another Look at My Diagnosis

I've always had very extreme moods. Very sudden shifts. Storms of tears or being so happy people thought I was a loon. It's always been me. I always thought I was just a freak. In fact that's what people told me I was. A freak, a spaz, hyper, loud, sensitive. Blah I grew up hearing those things.

When I was 18 I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression, something my grandmother had been convinced I had for years. It's not something they'll generally diagnose in a teenager. At least it wasn't back then. Then when I was 20 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in addition to the depression. I tried Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro and a few others. After we tried all those my doctor put me on Effexor XR. It seemed to work pretty well. The massive depressive times were gone, I still had some anxiety but I dealt with it. I could do that. I didn't have kids or a busy life. I did what I wanted when I wanted pretty much as many single people do.

While I was pregnant with my first child my midwife who really had no clue at all about mental illness suggested I see a psychiatrist. She wanted him to oversee my meds during pregnancy. I didn't really understand why I couldn't stay with what I was on but hey whatever I'm not a doctor right?

I went to see him. My God he turned me off psychiatrists for years. That man was disgusting, he peered down my shirt the entire time I was there. He prescribed me Pexiva which is apparently similar to Paxil but not the same. I never went back. I also reported him to TriCare. I was disgusted and felt horrible about the whole situation.

Changing medications was dreadful I don't know if any of you have ever gone off of Effexor. Withdrawl from hell I'm telling you. It lasts for months really and you have to be off that medication to switch to another. It was terrible. The new medication didn't work for crap. You may as well have given me a sugar pill. I prayed for it to work but it didn't.

After pregnancy my PCP told me she wanted me to see a counselor. I wasn't really thrilled and it took me a good 3 months to schedule but I finally did. She was a sweet older woman. I talked with her. We discussed my symptoms etc. She wasn't a doctor so she couldn't officially diagnose but after seeing her for a while she had me take a little test I guess you could call it. It told me that I have a mood disorder. She said the scary words Bi Polar. It freaked me out. I'm not Bi Polar. My drug addicted, drunk uncle is but not me hell no. I saw her a few more times and stopped.

I chugged along on my meds and off my meds.

This fall I went back on them again. They helped with the deep depressions. I felt great for a couple months then the panics started. I went and got Ativan. It sort of helped but not really. So I logged on my trusty computer and started searching.

Turns out there isn't only one type of Bi Polar. There are a few. Bi Polar II sounds just like me. I have low low low lows but my highs aren't manic really. It's more tense. Irritable, anxious, twitchy, mood swingy. Like me.

My PCP is a physicians assistant. Great for general stuff but when I try to talk to him about mental health type things...he's lost you can tell. I don't blame him I mean if it was so easy why would they have an entire field devoted to it? They wouldn't SOOOO I'm going to see a psychiatrist. I'm nervous. I'm afraid to go in there and say look I think this is what's wrong with me. I'm hoping he'll listen and help me.

Rediscovering Makeup and Skincare

Before I was a mommy I was a cosmetic addict.

I loved makeup. I loved trying the new products, lip gloss, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara all of it. I liked trying the new fads, I liked making my face look different. I loved dying my hair, perming it, cutting it, trying new things.

I had many cosmetic bags stuffed with makeup, shoebox size bins filled with hair accessories and all kinds of trendy fun jewelry.

My ears were triple pierced and I took great care to look good.

I liked myself and I liked making myself look good.


Once I had the baby I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped doing my hair (ponytails don't count), hell I stopped washing my face most days if we're going to be perfectly honest.

So here I was 4 years past this and all my stuff was old, drying out and I'm sure breeding stuff. I knew the brands I liked. Clinique, Lancome, Estee Lauder. LOL I couldn't afford those anymore. So I went to Target and started wandering. I had made a few half hearted attempts at jump starting my beauty routine before and had talked to the representative for Boots. So I went and talked to her again.

We tried out foundations, powders, colors, different cleansers, serums etc. She's super sweet and any time I go to Target I stop and chat with her. It took me a while to get my stash built up but I've done it. I can now put on a face lol. It's much more natural than I used to do but I like the way it looks. It evens out my skin tone. I got a few funkier colors for my eyes from the HIP collection from Mabeline I think it is. Not really sure on that one. They've got some fun colors.

Of course I'm sure I'll continue to pick up make up here and there. I don't really have colors for a night look.

So my friends if you need to update try Boots. They have several lines. My favorite is the Botanics line. That's where all my skincare comes from. They also have Botanic Organic, No7 and a line that's even less expensive called Expert Skincare. That stuff is great as well. It's all non scented and formulated for sensitive skin I believe.

Doing Things for Myself

It's so hard to get into the habit of spending time on yourself again. It's hard to get back into the habit of spending money on yourself. When you become a mom you want to do all these things for the precious little creations that you made. You want to give them everything. You become wrapped up in being the "best mom ever." It's easy to forget you're not just a mom. You're a wife. You're a lover. You're YOU.

I found it easier to spend money on new clothes if I found deals. I mean I could feel good about buying new clothes if I could get 15 pieces for 45 bucks. So I scoured clearance racks at Lane Bryant and the clearance section online at Old Navy. I bought all my shirts new but for new pants I went to Goodwill. I found lots of pants. Seriously like 5 pairs of slacks and 2 pairs of jeans for 30 bucks. They all looked like new. My theory for this is us overweight women don't like going into the store and trying things on, so we'll go in and grab things we think will fit. We then take them home and if they're too big or too small we're too ashamed usually (especially if they're too small) to take them back to the store. So we'll suffer through wearing them two or three times. With the waist band cutting into our flesh or hiking them up all damn day long. They then get pushed to the back of the closet and dug out and donated. Practically new.

Right after Christmas we sold a piece of electronics that was wasting space and my husband told me to take half the money and get whatever I wanted. I went over to Lane Bryant and OMG they had their bras buy two get two for free so of course I got some more bras. I had never had more than 2 or 3 bras that kinda fit at one time. So now I had 8, they were pretty colors, two were lace and they all fit and made me feel beautiful. Oh and I got to go down a band size yay me.

What Depression is NOT.

Depression is not just something one can snap out of.
Depression is not just a bad attitude.
Depression is not someone just being lazy.
Depression is not someone just "feeling a little sad."
Depression is not hypochondria.
Depression is not fake.
Depression is not imagined.

Let me tell you what depression means for me. I'll then tell you what some medical type people say it is.

Depression to me means I'm exhausted. All the time. No matter how much sleep I did or did not get. It means I almost always have that achey flu feel. My joints are always sore. It means I lay down at night to sleep and take 3 hours to fall asleep because my head cannot stop hashing out things that could go wrong over and over and over again. It means loving my children but not wanting to spend any time with them. Doing things for them but not enjoying them. It means sex with my husband becomes an un enjoyable experience that I just do out of duty. It means mood swings, rage, sobbing, anxiety attacks and on and on.

It's not the same for everyone. But I can tell you this much. It's not fun for anyone.

The Mayo Clinic Defines "Depression"
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175

Depression Symptoms:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=symptoms

Different types of depression and other mental illnesses that can seem like depression:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=tests-and-diagnosis

Depression Self Assessment:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/MH00103_D

You're never fully dressed without a ... BRA!!!

The first purchase that I made for myself was bras. My man sold his WoW (World of Warcraft) account for $400 dollars. Woohoo. He got home and promptly gave me $100 and told me to go buy some bras. I was pretty darn excited. But where should I go? I mean obviously I'm too fat for Victorias Secret and even when I'm not fat I can't wear their itty bitty bras. Tatas like mine LAUGH at cutsy little Victoria's Secret bras. I didn't really want to go to Nordstrom. Yes I have heard that they have fantastic fitters. Wonderful bras. Blah Blah Blah but to be quite honest ... they're kinda snobby in that place and I just wasn't emotionally ready to have someone looking down her nose at me while measuring my fat butt for a new bra.

So where??? I decided to just go over to the mall and look. Then as I was walking up the mall along my usual route it struck me. Lane Bryant.
Lane Bryant??? Fat girls shop there!
Hello chubby you ARE a fat girl!

Oh hehe yeah. So I went in. You know what I figured out? They aren't just for overweight people. They sell bras with a 34 band for crying outloud. Their bras are just good bras in a HUGE variety of sizes.

So I walked in. I started looking around. About half their store is dedicated to bras. I think LB understands that some women only shop for their bras there. After wandering and wandering someone came over to help me. She measured me and told me that I would be a 46 H. I was skeptical. Extremely so. She told me that in sizes like that I could try on the store model and order any color or style I want to be shipped to the store free. Of course I'm standing there having a total panic attack sweating like a pig. I was embarrassed. 46 band wow. I knew I had gained weight but...jeez.

So I took the model bra in and tried it on. Then laughed my butt off. My boobs actually looked small in this thing. I took it off handed it to the clerk and told her I would look for myself. I ended up grabbing a 46 DDD off the rack. Two different styles noting while I did that they had all kinds of fun colors. I was used to white, beige, black and MAYBE light pink as far as bras went.

Took them into the fitting room and was just absolutely thrilled. A bra that actually held my boobs up not only made my tits look good but honestly made my whole torso look better. I picked out two plunge style bras and two balconette and for only 8 dollars over the 100 dollars my loving husband had given me I got my fancy new bras. I also got some kind of woman dollars. You know what I mean the fake money they give you that says hey come spend $50 we'll give you $25 off. So I could go spend $100 and get $50 off. I would ponder that.

Turns out that while plunge bras are super sexy they aren't the best when you're bending over to deal with munchkins every 2 seconds. So two of the bras would have to go back... maybe I could do some shopping while I was there?

It's A Climb

Getting out of the hole I had sunk down into has been a climb. I know I'm not even near the top of it yet but I'm starting to see glimmers of hope.

I've lost 25 -30lbs (depending on the day and time of month it is) since the middle of October. I'm pretty proud of that considering all the food that happens that time of year.

I've updated my wardrobe. I used any and all Christmas money that was to be spent on me, the money my lovely husband gave me from selling his WoW account, money I budgeted out of the household money. Basically any little extra bit of money that I could use.

I didn't do it dishonestly. I talked to my husband. He was all for it. He was tired of seeing me in yoga pants that were falling down around my butt that I had worn through two pregnancies, tank tops with stretched out necklines and torn out hems, bras that were woefully undersupportive for the DDD honkers I've got perched upon my chest.

I mean yeah he still told me how beautiful, sexy and desirable I was to him but he had also started making little hints about what a nice butt I would have if only I wasn't wearing pants that bagged over it. Stuff like that.

The Beginning of a Long Climb

In the middle of October I discovered that Effexor was available in a generic form. Not the extended release but the original that has to be taken a couple times a day. I called and made a doctors apointment that day. The nurse told me that my doctor was on vaction but would I mind seeing a different doctor? Of course not I hate my doctor anyway. The man seemed so hesitant to put me on the medication that I know I need. She told me that they had an open appointment in just 2 days. "Thank you so much" I told her, "I'm really starting to feel desperate."

I went into the appointment. I sat down. I told the doctor this is what I want, this is what I need and this is why. He said okay let's figure out a dosage. It was so easy. So simple. He didn't jerk me around. He didn't hem and haw over it. He just did what I told him I needed.

I went to fill my prescription. I would have to take 2 tabs twice a day so it was 120 pills every month. I was a little afraid to hear how much this was going to cost. $5.00. That was it. Five measly dollars. I could have been happy and healthy for only $5.00 a month had someone only told me the information I needed. I was overjoyed and also a little pissed.

So I started building up to the full dosage. Bam my appetite was normal again. Yes I got hungry but I didn't feel like always eating. Within a month I started feeling like a new woman.

The Descent Continues

So he went, it was hellish. I was pregnant, with a young child. Stressing about getting out of the Navy, moving, finding him a job. Sure I was still on my meds but really life was just overwhelming. The next few months were a blur. He finally got out of the Navy December 26th 2006. His MOS, the one everyone said it would make it so easy to find a new job when he got out? Yeah it really wasn't the best.

I had my second little girl on Febuary 17th 2007. Of course I didn't have any insurance. My DSHS application was still pending. The nurses and doctors treated me like garbage it was great for my self esteem.

My husband finally got a job that started April first. We had like 2 weeks to find a new home. So we found a place in Tacoma, put in for a move and loaded up a few things to stay for a week with no furniture. It actually wasn't too bad, my Dizzy loved running around the wide open spaces of our new apartment...6 weeks after having my second daughter I felt those familiar symptoms. I went into Target with my 17 month old and newborn baby and bought a pregnancy test. Yes I felt like a freak.

I was pregnant. Again. We freaked. My husband asked me to get an abortion. We fought about it, talked about it, cried about it and finally I convinced him I couldn't do it.

The next year went by in a blur of pain and exhaustion and ended in a c-section and a 9lb baby girl. I asked them to tie my tubes when they were in there. They did.

It took me forever to heal from my c-section. I couldn't take it easy like they recommended. I couldn't not drive, or walk up a bunch of stairs or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I had three kids damnit.

Honestly a lot of the last 2 years have blurred by. I had periods where I was deeply depressed and off my meds due to cost. Periods where I was on my meds but still depressed and totally sleep deprived. I was off my meds for just about a year because my insurance raised the price. $50 for a prescription of Effexor XR. I had to have two. So $100 per month. We just couldn't swing it. Of course when I told my dr. that I had to go off due to cost did the moron mention that regular Effexor was now a generic? No of course not. So I went through a long long long period of depression. By the time I finally went into the doctor to demand some help I hated everything, I was 100lbs overweight, I couldn't stand my husband, my kids, my cat, my house I pretty much just couldn't stand my life.

The Descent Part III

It got worse and worse and worse etc. I just kept sliding down hill. I tried to kill myself a few times. My husband finally got me into the doctor. (one of my problems when in a deep depression is massive panic attacks when faced with going to the dr.)

The doctor talked to me and put me on a couple of medications. I started slowly returning to at least a semi normal state. Quite honestly I'm not a hundred percent sure when this was. It was mid spring I believe. I started really getting better just in time for my husband to go back out to sea.

I'm sure he was glad but I'm betting that he was wishing I had been normal while he was home. I mean I warned him while we were dating that I had clinical depression and General Anxiety Disorder. He said he understood. But I'm sure he didn't.

About 2 weeks after my husband left I found out I was pregnant again. It was not good timing. The baby was due 2 months after he was due to be discharged. I told him. He wasn't super happy which meant I wasn't either. He finally got back from patrol at the beginning of August. We were looking forward to coasting through his last few months of service and using all the free time to find him a high paying civilian job.

That wasn't going to happen he got told that he was needed on another boomer. They were short crew members so yay for you shipmate you get to fill in. He had only been home a week and they were sending him back out. We were NOT happy to say the very least.

The Descent Part II

PPD. Post Partum Depression. They warn you that it can happen. They tell you that you should seek help. My husband was gone and I was so terrified that if I told people what I was feeling that they would take my baby from me. So I holed up in my house, other than going out to shop (the one thing I could do without having panic attacks) I stayed home.

I stayed in my house and I played World of Warcraft and I ate. I took care of my baby of course. I spent 6 hours every evening rocking, walking, shushing, applying warming pads, bicycling her legs, rubbing her tummy and more. She screamed bloody murder for SIX HOURS every night. Every.Single.Night.

I researched PPD on the internet. I had most of the symptoms. Intrusive thoughts. I saw myself slashing my wrists and leaving my daughter to a better life without such a failure for a mom. I never saw myself hurting her. Even at the peak of her screaming periods I never wanted to harm her. I wanted so much for her. I wanted her to have an awesome mom and I knew that would never be me. I gained back all the weight I had lost. Plus some.

My husband came back from patrol and was a bit surprised. The house wasn't all neat and spiffy like it had been last time. The baby was dressed up all cute, but I was fat and looked like crap. Sure I had put on my cutest outfit and makeup. Yeah I was really glad he was home but I knew he was disappointed.

The Descent

I'm 28 years old. I had three children right in a row. I had my oldest Dizzy at 24, Bee at 25 and Beffy at 26.

Right before I got pregnant I had just lost 80 lbs. It was honestly the first time in my life I had pride in the way I looked. I wasn't super thin but I looked good. I had a hairstyle I liked, I could afford to buy the products I wanted to make my hair, skin and face look better. I could choose not to eat anything but plain chicken breasts for a week and use my food money to buy hot new panties or jeans.

It was the best time in my life. I had made it to 23 as a virgin and was thinking about possibly at least getting past kissing. I felt like I could get a guy to look at me. I did. I met my husband we dated intensely and 5 months later I was pregant. He was in the Navy and about to ship out for a 3 month patrol so we threw together a wedding and got married. He left 2 days later.

I spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy commuting from Bremerton to Downtown Seattle daily to work. This includes a 20 minute bus trip on the Bremerton side, an hour long ferry trip and a 30 minute bus ride on the Seattle side. Each way. I started gaining weight quicker than I should have due to the ridiculous hours and my enormous appetite.

By the time my husband was back I had already gained 25 lbs. I put on weight quickly. My doctors took me off of the antidepressant I had been on for years and the weight piled on even faster. I'm an emotional eater. When I'm depressed I eat.

A lot.

It makes me feel better. I think by the time I had my daughter I had gained 60 lbs.

My husband left for another patrol a week after I gave birth. In about a month after he left I had taken off about 40 of those pregnancy pounds. I looked squishy but better. That didn't last long.